Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To not invite this child

39 replies

baxtersm · 21/09/2022 09:55

So my little boy is turning 8 soon. We are having a party at a local trampoline park, costs £25 per head so obviously we have to really limit numbers. (Previously we have had his parties at home or in the parish hall with a bouncy castle and invited the whole class, some kids from other classes he plays with) As we're limited to numbers there's one kid who previously would have been invited (not in his class but in his year group) but is being left off the list. DS says they don't play together anymore. The problem is his Mum is quite friendly with me and her nose will be totally out of joint, especially as this is going to be quite a cool party for them all that no kid has done before. Is it awful of me to leave the child out and then risk the Mum being mad about it? To be honest the kid himself probably won't mind being left out as they genuinely don't play together.

OP posts:

Luana1 · 21/09/2022 09:57

Put your son’s wishes above a random mum’s of course!

kiwiandcherries · 21/09/2022 09:57

It's absolutely fine for your child to invite who they choose. There should never be expectations for invitations. Just stick with who you have on the list and don't feel the need to apologise!

TeenDivided · 21/09/2022 10:00

I'd be up front if she is a friend of yours.
Just a heads up, we are limiting the numbers for Tim's party this year because of the cost and James won't be invited this time as Tim says they don't really play together anymore

Flammkuchen · 21/09/2022 10:00

Up to you. It will almost certainly affect your friendship with the mum, so you have to decide if that’s worth £25.

This always happens once parties get smaller. Some friction is unavoidable but I would minimise it as much as possible and avoid being actively mean such as inviting all the boys bar one or two. As he’s not in your class, it doesn’t sound so bad, but may lose you a friend.

Raul57 · 21/09/2022 10:01

Explain to the mum that it was your DS that wanted to chose/invite and when you asked your DS why not X and xx he said they did not play together which you felt was fair enough and apologise- I'm sure she will understand

Never hurts to be honest. polite and civil and I'm 99.9% cert the other parent will understand

Dacadactyl · 21/09/2022 10:02

I think it's fine to do this, but I would mention it to the mum first.

SkankingWombat · 21/09/2022 10:06

It's fine to prioritise just his closest friends. Presumably he won't be the only child not invited by a long stretch? It's not ok when they are the only child (or boy/girl if you are only inviting children of the same sex) not to receive an invite, but that isn't happening here.
Personally we have done parties that are either the whole class, just the girls, or 5 close friends. That way it is either totally inclusive or clearly defined without leaving one or two children out. There has been no issue with this.

Original poster

baxtersm · 21/09/2022 10:08

He's definitely not the only child not invited! I couldn't do that to a child, there are other kids that usually would have been there not invited this year too. But I don't see their Mums as much so it won't be awkward!

OP posts:

TrashyPanda · 21/09/2022 10:10

You are only inviting a few kids.

absolutely no reason to contact other mother. That’s just a recipe for disaster. “but James says your DS is his best friend in the whole entire world and is going to be broken hearted”

Ozgirl75 · 21/09/2022 10:11

As children get older, the chances that the parents you’re friendly with will also be the parents of kids your children are friends with are pretty small.
Im friends with quite a few parents from kids who started in Kindy with my son, who’s now in year 6 - he’s only friends with a couple of them now, they’ve all moved on in the last 6 years.

ProbablyNotMad · 21/09/2022 10:11

Let your son have who he wants at his party. If they don't play together any more then your son probably won't be invited to the other boy's birthday either.

2bazookas · 21/09/2022 10:20

The party is for your son and his friends.

It's not a performance-parenting championship challenge so it really doesn't matter what other mothers think of his.

MikeWozniaksMoustache · 21/09/2022 10:23

Put your son’s wishes above a random mum’s of course!
This basically. She will be very aware the boys don’t play together anymore, and if she does ask “why is my son not invited to Timmy’s party?” and she kicks off at the perfectly normal reasoning then is she really someone you want to be friends with?

Nottodaty · 21/09/2022 10:26

I’m friends with a Mum, our children met when they at primary and for a year or two they where friends but then drifted apart - secondary school at one point hated each other! They still don’t talk at 19!

But her Mum & I have always got on we have a laugh - our friendship is independent of the fact we have the same age children! If you friend is upset then it’s not really a true friendship. Don’t lie mention that he’s invited his close mates and move on.

Arenanewbie · 21/09/2022 10:31

I don’t think you should message her. If they are not close friends anymore and your son doesn’t want him at the party you shouldn’t invite him unless you consider them family friends and want to encourage the friendship.
Anyway prepare that his mum will look at it differently but your message won’t change anything.

Lindy2 · 21/09/2022 10:32

Wow £25 per child for an 8 year olds party! I hope they all enjoy it.

LaaDeeDaaa · 21/09/2022 10:43

Wow £25 per child for an 8 year olds party! I hope they all enjoy it.

I'm sure they will. Seven and eight year olds at a trampoline park with their mates. Sounds pretty enjoyable to me.

I think most of us have had to push through this stage. It's just the natural way of things. You start with inviting everyone when they are little and have more expensive parties with their actual friends when they are in KS2.

Original poster

baxtersm · 21/09/2022 10:46

Lindy2 · 21/09/2022 10:32

Wow £25 per child for an 8 year olds party! I hope they all enjoy it.

Much cheaper than inviting the whole class at £10 a head! Or even hiring a bouncy castle at home and feeding them all! 6 kids = £150 and all kids fed, party bags included and my house will be tidy when I get home

OP posts:

Kissingfrogs25 · 21/09/2022 10:46

How much do you value the friendship?
How many parties has your child been invited to by her child?

If she has been inviting your child to their parties and play dates, I would seriously reconsider not inviting him. If your ds does not get invited very often, and they are not friends anymore (this could change next month op so be aware of the speed of the change) then I would tell her in advance

'DS is having a tiny birthday get together this year, so he just inviting a handful of his core friends in his class, we would obviously love to invite {her child} if the party were bigger'

Then you can flush out any concerns, and she won't find out some other way.

UnagiForLife · 21/09/2022 10:50

Oh this happens all the time with my group of friends, no drama. If their kid doesn’t want my kid at their party we’re not going to fall out about it. It’s about who the children want to invite to their party not the parents at that age. Anyone whose nose gets out of joint about this needs to grow up frankly.

Branleuse · 21/09/2022 10:52

If it was a friend of mine that might be hurt by it, then id invite her kid. I dont think £25 is worth potentially upsetting a friend for.
Or maybe ask her what she thinks.

KoalaCape · 21/09/2022 10:55

I'd ask her first. You can say your DS can only pick X number of children for his party and you were surprised he didn't pick her DS. Your DS explained it's because they don't play together anymore- is she aware of this too? (She may be fully aware that her DS no longer talks about your DS). Then say you didn't want to leave her DS out but the party is limited. Will her DS be upset? Make it very clear you don't want her DS to be feeling left out but you were totally unaware they didn't play together anymore at school (even if you were aware)

I think doing it this way she can turn around and say, no her DS will be ok about it or she thinks he will feel left out and then you can make an informed decision.

The last thing you need is your name being passed around the playground at the start of a school year 😬

britneyisfree · 21/09/2022 10:55

It'a not about the money though. Their sons don't play together so there's no need to invite the other boy

StClare101 · 21/09/2022 11:06

Non-issue. DS just had his party with 5 friends. Yes that means he didn’t invite back kids who had bigger parties and didn’t invite the kids whose mums I get along with better but it’s his party and small enough that no one can get offended.

Kissingfrogs25 · 21/09/2022 11:08

britneyisfree · 21/09/2022 10:55

It'a not about the money though. Their sons don't play together so there's no need to invite the other boy

This is a very simplistic view.
Children often move on to other friends, then come back together.
If op's child has been invited and attending her friends' parties, it IS poor form to not return the invite, unless the friend is in full agreement that the children have gone off in their own directions socially and it will cause no issue for her.

Most people care about their friend's feelings, and wish to avoid school fall out, full stop. Reading your post I can see why they happen so regularly.

Flip

1 2