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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

where has this attitude come from that it is *terrible* for another parent to touch your child?

45 replies

Twiglett · 24/01/2008 13:22

either to lift them up

or to gently admonish them

we used to live in a society where we all helped each other out

I am lucky that I have had my children in an area where we all help each other out and have no qualms in gently admonishing behaviour that is unacceptable if the parent does not seem to be around

if another adult was talking gently to my child, or correcting my child or moving them out of the way .. I wouldn't take umbrage ..I'd be rather grateful

(and no I am not talking about situations where mad people swing in .. but other parents)

you see it on here a lot the 'I'd be livid how dare they touch / talk to your child'

I don't get it

and it saddens me

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 24/01/2008 13:24

I hate it when i see a baby/toddler get hurt at playfroup and noone goes to comfort it they look around and wait for the mum to notice.
I can't do this..I have to go and at least talk to the poor child..often it takes a mum 2-3 mins to realise that the screaming is coming from their child

Fimbo · 24/01/2008 13:25

I don't get it either.

kerryk · 24/01/2008 13:25

i take it you are reffering to another thread about p&t groups. i think the reason it has been said in that thread is because the other parent lifted that child of a toy it was happily playing on. had the child fallen over and been picked and and comferted by another mum i dont think anyone would have a problem with that.

fingerwoman · 24/01/2008 13:25

i would have no qualms in touching another child, lifting it or whatever, neither would I be bothered if someone did it to mine if they were keeping him out of danger, telling him off whatever.

I think the thread today though is different. I'd be cross if someone took my child off a toy just so theirs could have it. wouldn't be cross they'd touched him, just that they'd taken the toy in that way iyswim?

SmartArse · 24/01/2008 13:26

Probably one of the reasons everyone is so selfish now. People daren't help in case they get an earful.

Dropdeadfred · 24/01/2008 13:26

I agree tis is not the same as the other post...that would make me angry.

DoodleToYou · 24/01/2008 13:26

Message withdrawn

NoseCheese · 24/01/2008 13:26

agree with Kerry if this thread is in relation to the p*t group thread.

fingerwoman · 24/01/2008 13:27

ddf I hate that too. was at soft polay a while ago and there was a boy going round pushing other kids, no mum in sight.
he repeatedly pushed a small baby over, must have been under a year old who was screaming and eveyone ignored it ntil I picked her up and went to find the mum.
was a bit shocked that mum hadn't noticed tbh, but hey

hunkermunker · 24/01/2008 13:27

It's the "A MAD OLD LADY TOUCHED MY BABY TODAY ON THE CHEEK FFS AND I AM LIVID PLEASE HELP ME TO CALM DOWN" threads that get me.

The toddler on toy one - the woman shouldn't have lifted him off the toy.

Original poster
Twiglett · 24/01/2008 13:29

no, wasn't in relation to other thread (which I've now read)

although if my child was on a toy for an extended period in a play situation and another parent lifted them off I would, I think, assume this was after a lot of 'can you let someone else have a go please' and countdowns to someone else's turn

and I wouldn't really be livid I don't think

OP posts:
MamaGloriousSunshine · 24/01/2008 13:30

agree hunker.

An old man tickled my 3 year old in the queue in a bakery the other day - I didn't give a monkeys! DS was laughing, teh old man seemed kind, its not like he poked him in the eye, but woman behind him (with pushchair)looked horrified

fingerwoman · 24/01/2008 13:31

hehe yes what's with people who hate their babies being coo'd over and cheeks stroked etc?????

I love squishing babies faces.
but maybe that's just me

ellehcim · 24/01/2008 13:32

There is uproar at our nursery at the moment following a bad ofstead report and at the parents meeting the other night one of the mums complained that she had witnessed another parent touch a child that wasn't hers(just to move him out of the way). I then felt like I'd done something wrong this morning when without thinking I said "excuse me sweetheart" to a toddler and moved her gently out of the way of my pushchair. Its just ridiculous that we should feel paranoid about these things.

Absolutely don't agree with a parent taking a toy from a child to give to their own though (although haven't seen the thread).

UniversallyChallenged · 24/01/2008 13:34

I dont get it either. my ds-3- wandered off in playgroud a while ago and we couldnt find him for about 5 mins seemed like far more, till another mum saw him by the outside gate and comforted him and held onto him while finding me - i didnt know her. I was so relieved that she had got involved in a crying child situation and couldnt thank her enough.

I was going to start a thread as I get fed up with people not standing up for their kids, not in an aggressive way, just asking other parents why they did something. What is the point in pretending trying not to get annoyed then moaning about things after? Are we sooo scared of getting ourselves disliked that we allow our dc not to be treated nicely? Sorry to hijack a prefectly good thread tho Twiglett!!

libEL · 24/01/2008 13:35

Same here Ddf

Same the other way round though, I was at a group with ds 15mths and an older child came and snatched a toy off of him. I ignored it, but he then came back over when my son had found the ride-on car toy and pushed him off of it. My ds started crying and older child tried to push the car away. I took hold of the toy and explained that it wasnt nice to push my ds, explained he had the car first and when ds had finished he could play with it. Mum came over and told me she was more than capable of 'telling her own son off' I was shocked that she had taken so much offence, I dont think I was being OTT, just talking calmly too him. I'm not entirely sure if she witnessed what had happened but makes me wonder if I was wrong to say something, maybe I should have approached her and asked her to deal with it? I know if it was my ds who had done similar I would not have been offended that someone had spoken to him and explained that he should have done that.

Chequers · 24/01/2008 13:37

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Twiglett · 24/01/2008 13:37

it's preciousness gone awry .. and it's the precursor to this 'helicopter parenting' that's all over the media

I have never experienced this .. maybe I'm thick-skinned

OP posts:
Blu · 24/01/2008 13:39

I agree.

If my child has fallen flat on his face on asphalt and is howling, I am happy for the nearest adult to help him while I race over.

Likewise if he is doing something he shouldn't I am happy for the nearest adult to take 'holding action' - 'let's not do that', or physically preventing upset to another child if necessary, until I get there to deal with the situation more fully ('do anything like that again and we go straight home'!).

I think many many of the problems with teenagers are that they do not expect adults in the community to oversee them or take any responsibility for their behaviour - they operate in a supervisory vacuum.

After that Guardian article about the mother who was reported to SS for alowing her child to walk to school, I thought 'funny - my mother was able to allow me to walk to school because she knew that everyone in the neighbourhood who knew me would be there to watch out, and help in the event of anything unhappy or dodgy happening. Now, the reason people can't let children walk to school alone is because they also know that the community will be watching - not helping, but standing back and reporting. All part of the same trend, imo.

OrmIrian · 24/01/2008 13:39

Precisely hunker. In the context of the other thread I'd have been a little miffed, but not in general.

I was once yelled at for grabbing a little girl's arm as she was about to run over the A38. Mother was very cross and told me that 'of course she wasn't! She knows better than that!' Well....of course she does but I think she might have momentarily forgotten.
Clearly she had had a fright but even so I was a little taken aback at the reaction.

Oliveoil · 24/01/2008 13:41

I think I have posted in the past saying that anyone who can resist squidging a fat babies thigh is obviously dead

I love cooing over babies and loved having my cooed over, it is a human response surely?

same as if I see a child upset at a toddler group, I pick them up and comfort them

whether some people like it or not, I have no idea, it is just instinct

I wouldn't like anyone telling my child off though, hmmmm, I would rather they point it out to me

as sometimes what I see as NORMAL feisty loud 3yr old behaviour, someone else woudl see as 'naughty'. And I don't want my child told they are naughty if I don't think they are, iyswim

not really sure on that one tbh

libEL · 24/01/2008 13:57

So was I wrong to say to him that is wasnt nice to push ds and that he could have the car once ds had finished (that was exactly what I said, albeit whilst holding onto the car)?

Maybe she wasnt over-reacting but I know if my dd had pushed a baby off a toy I would be straight over to tell her the same thing. I'm pretty sure that it is NORMAL behaviour for a three year old to do this, but its not acceptable and he should be told. I honestly think that if I hadnt said anything to him then neither would she have.

mrsruffallo · 24/01/2008 13:57

I don't mind people interacting with my dc at all.
A slightly different take on your post though. I had a friend with a dc the same age as mine. But whenever we got together her dc would slap or punch my dc quite aggressively. I waited and waited but the mother never seemed to see it. In the end I told her daughter off and grabbed her hand as she went to strike and the mother laid into me for chastising her child!!
She said all kids hit and we haven't really got on since then-sorry if that was a bit hijack-y

OrmIrian · 24/01/2008 13:59

O-oh... I think yours might have been a different thread libel. I was talking about the one where the mum took the OPs little boy off the toy.

UniversallyChallenged · 24/01/2008 14:04

mrsruffallo - am not having a go at you, but why did you "wait and wait", no doubt your poor LO having to put up with being hit, until you acted?I can understand letting things go the first time but why did you not have it out with the mother before it got to the stage where you grabbed the child's arm?

Am genuinely interested.