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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH using his gf as childcare on his weekends

39 replies

Timetosleep21 · 20/09/2022 23:29

So my exH has always been a nightmare to co parent with. Constant arguing, withholding information etc etc. Even when we were together he was a cock lodger who left the bulk of the childcare to me.

since he met his most recent gf he’s been wanting to take DC on more weekends. I’d viewed this as a positive step. ( even if it’s pretending to be Disney dad In front of new gf). He’d previously refused to take them on weekends as I’m sure he thought it would ruin my social life. As long as it was a way of punishing me, he was happy.

when he realised I was happy with the arrangement his tactic changed and he was demanding them every weekend. It took some push back to get it to 50/50 weekends.

anyway, I’ve since found out that on some of these weekends, he’s been going to work and getting the gf to look after the kids.

in an ideal world, I’d have the kids all weekends, but realise that’s not feasible
as we’re co- parenting.

However, this feel unfair. I’d happily have the kids those weekends.

my ex is very spiteful and I know it’s more about denying me time with them.

however, AIBU to feel annoyed at this? Or should I just let him parent as he sees fit on the days he has them?

OP posts:
FarmerRefuted · 20/09/2022 23:33

So long as they're not in any danger or at risk of harm then its up to him how he parents on his days. This works both ways though and means he also doesn't get a say in how you parent on your days.

I'm.sure your DC are lovely but more fool the new gf for letting him use her like this.

CakeIsNotAvailable · 20/09/2022 23:33

YABVU, sorry. Even if he is at work during the daytime, the children will get the benefit of seeing him in the evenings. Parents have to work sometimes. It's part of life and it's OK for kids to be looked after by other people sometimes. You wouldn't like it if he tried to interfere with your time with the children because you use a babysitter or an after-school club or whatever.

JanglyBeads · 20/09/2022 23:33

How old are the kids? How do they get on with the GF? What do you think of her? Is she a mum herself?

All relevant questions.

Original poster
Timetosleep21 · 20/09/2022 23:37

kids 7 and 10.

They like her. She doesn’t have her own kids but seems nice enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
Timetosleep21 · 20/09/2022 23:38

He’s working 12 hour shifts in a warehouse though!

OP posts:
Original poster
Timetosleep21 · 20/09/2022 23:46

@CakeIsNotAvailable @FarmerRefuted

I totally see your point. And if he was a more reasonable person I’d accept it.

but he is at work ALL day. Given that weekends are something that all working parents cherish, it seems churlish to do this.

he was such an emotionally abusive scumbag that I find it hard to give him the benefit of the doubt. But realise I need to treat him fairly

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 20/09/2022 23:49

What do the children think? How do they feel about being left with a complete stranger?

Jalepenojello · 20/09/2022 23:53

It’s shit but leave him to it. Up to him how to sort them on his weekends, but sad for the kids… if they like her and there’s no concerns 🤷🏼‍♀️Is it not him aiming to pay less maintenance?

SomePosters · 20/09/2022 23:53

Make the most of the weekends you’ve got until the dc are old enough to vote with their feet

youre right it’s a control tactic so don’t let him see it bother you

Isaidnoalready · 20/09/2022 23:55

Be guided by your children of they are happy then it's a bonus if they are not happy give them a phone and they can call you to collect them

If I was his girlfriend I would get pissed off quick at being used like this

MintJulia · 20/09/2022 23:59

GrazingSheep · 20/09/2022 23:49

What do the children think? How do they feel about being left with a complete stranger?

This.

My ex did that for a while because his new woman wanted to play at being mummy. Ds thought she was a bit weird but didn't mind because she had a dog he liked.
It all went horribly wrong when ex went to work, one of new woman's family had a medical emergency and she abandoned ds who was only 8 at the time. Ds rang me, scared and I had to go and rescue him.

Now ds refuses to go there or rings me if his df goes to work.

Boxowine · 21/09/2022 00:17

What kind of magic dick does he have that the new GF is willing to watch two kids all weekend? I wouldn't even do that for my own family members. And I definitely wouldn't have done it for a new BF.

Boxowine · 21/09/2022 00:17

What kind of magic dick does he have that the new GF is willing to watch two kids all weekend? I wouldn't even do that for my own family members. And I definitely wouldn't have done it for a new BF.

Pallisers · 21/09/2022 00:33

Next time you hand them over smile and say that much as you love them it is lovely to have a whole weekend free to meet whoever you want and do whatever you want and isn't this 50/50 thing is just great for all of you.

If he thinks you'll get any benefit from him taking them and dumping them on his girlfriend, he'll soon change his mind

I pity the girlfriend.

Banana2079 · 21/09/2022 00:39

He comes home to them , And it’s only sometimes - or maybe suggest to him that he takes them on days in which he’s not working if that’s easier for him and his GF .
does she even want to be looking after your kids
Maybe a wider discussion with everyone needs to be had

Ponderingwindow · 21/09/2022 00:45

You could always ask to add ‘right of first refusal’ to your agreement. It would mean he has to offer you any significant blocks of child care during his parenting time. The catch is that you have to reciprocate. If he isn’t reliable, he could make your life very difficult with this system.

Original poster
Timetosleep21 · 21/09/2022 07:36

thanks for your views. Think I needed an objective view.

He’s a nasty piece of work, but doesn’t mean he does t have a point some of the time.

OP posts:
ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 21/09/2022 07:38

My kids are with me 99% of the time and a lot of that is spent in school or childcare, not with me. Its normal life. I do understand where you are coming from but realistically, this is what happens. What are his shift patterns like? Would it work for him to have them in the week?

Trainham · 21/09/2022 07:47

If in UK contact police and ask about Claires law. They can check if she has a record .they will let you know if she is 'safe ' to be around your children. Maybe this will help you feel better about them being with her.
Take the opportunity to enjoy yourself then he may reconsider having them .

Angelinflipflops · 21/09/2022 07:55

New gf sounds like a right muppet

KangarooKenny · 21/09/2022 07:55

Is he doing it so that he pays you less ?

HandbagsnGladrags · 21/09/2022 08:08

Boxowine · 21/09/2022 00:17

What kind of magic dick does he have that the new GF is willing to watch two kids all weekend? I wouldn't even do that for my own family members. And I definitely wouldn't have done it for a new BF.

100% this.

Original poster
Timetosleep21 · 21/09/2022 16:02

Angelinflipflops · 21/09/2022 07:55

New gf sounds like a right muppet

I know…she’s a nice person, but very naive. Also 15 years younger than him. Wish I could confirm he had a magic dick @Boxowine but sadly it’s mediocre at best!

She’s been told I’m a complete bitch. Ive been told by friends of his that he’s been spreading a whole lot of shit about me (and he’s lost friends as a result of it). She obviously believes it, so she’s helping him against the psycho ex 🤷‍♀️

@KangarooKenny sadly can’t pay less than nothing. Hasn’t paid any childcare in 6 years or any contribution ( I was the main breadwinner).

I truly believe this is an attempt to punish me for kicking him out. He’s also talking about the kids ‘new family’. Basically wants to airbrush me out! It’s so ridiculous, I can’t even get irritated by it. He’s trying to play happy families with the new gf. Obviously, my kids adore me ( I am their mother after all) so I’m generally quite secure about it.

it’s just sad that he’s stopping me seeing my kids as much as possible

OP posts:
LemonSqueezy0 · 21/09/2022 16:09

You sound really reasonable, and clued in to what he is doing and why... I'd continue being "fair", as you say you have little choice. But don't let him see you are bothered, and do all the household chores and admin you can on 'his' weekend eg shopping, tidying, etc and see your friends etc so that on the weekends they are with you, you can make the most of it. And make sure the children know you appreciate the girlfriend taking such good care etc, so if anything is fed back, it's positive... Which will confuse her, and maybe make her think twice... That you are more appreciative than he is...
Chances are the girlfriend will soon realise what a dick he is, and the arrangements will change....

properdoughnut · 21/09/2022 16:11

It will all fall apart when she gets fed up of being unpaid childcare.

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