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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ExH using his gf as childcare on his weekends

39 replies

Timetosleep21 · 20/09/2022 23:29

So my exH has always been a nightmare to co parent with. Constant arguing, withholding information etc etc. Even when we were together he was a cock lodger who left the bulk of the childcare to me.

since he met his most recent gf he’s been wanting to take DC on more weekends. I’d viewed this as a positive step. ( even if it’s pretending to be Disney dad In front of new gf). He’d previously refused to take them on weekends as I’m sure he thought it would ruin my social life. As long as it was a way of punishing me, he was happy.

when he realised I was happy with the arrangement his tactic changed and he was demanding them every weekend. It took some push back to get it to 50/50 weekends.

anyway, I’ve since found out that on some of these weekends, he’s been going to work and getting the gf to look after the kids.

in an ideal world, I’d have the kids all weekends, but realise that’s not feasible
as we’re co- parenting.

However, this feel unfair. I’d happily have the kids those weekends.

my ex is very spiteful and I know it’s more about denying me time with them.

however, AIBU to feel annoyed at this? Or should I just let him parent as he sees fit on the days he has them?

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 21/09/2022 16:14

Do you think she actually wants to look after the kids for that long or is he bullying her into it?

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 21/09/2022 16:19

Why aren’t you claiming via cms?

ColouringPencils · 21/09/2022 16:28

So he is insisting on having them extra weekends, while being out of the house for 12 hours at a time on those days? I agree that YANBU to be pissed off about that. Of course we all have to work, but why does he want to have them there more when he isn't going to see them anyway. This seems really unfair on the kids, you, and the girlfriend! Presumably he gets at least one day off in the week if he's working weekends, maybe you could suggest he have them one of those evenings instead? Or is he just too difficult to reason with?

LittleOwl153 · 21/09/2022 16:34

I'm assuming you are going to take the opportunity if these 12hr warehouse shifts to put your claim in through the child maintenence service to actually get some money for the kids from him though....

If he then tries for 50/50 tell him you'll see him in court.

SpringMum30 · 21/09/2022 16:53

My exH is similar. Dragged me through the courts for more and more contact that he can’t commit to whilst relying on a new gf to pick up the slack and do a huge amount of childcare/housework. Didn’t last long for one reason or another!

Flittingaboutagain · 21/09/2022 16:58

I'd be really upset by this OP. Who would choose to drop their kids off with a stranger for the weekend? But somehow because it's "his weekend" he can dump them (to punish you) and it's apparently fine.

I would also let it be known you have plans to get some action this weekend and be super positive about her to the children if she ever comes up.

gumball37 · 21/09/2022 17:34

Not sure this is an option but in my state (USA), there is something called right of first refusal...which means if he can't personally have the kids, he is to ask you if you want them before finding alternate childcare.

JanglyBeads · 21/09/2022 17:55

Definitely doesn't exist in the UK. Which state? Is it common in US, have never heard of it.

Shelby2010 · 21/09/2022 18:03

Just ask him for confirmation that he’s taking them next weekend as you have plans. Bet you they’ll be back with you as long as you’re reasonably subtle.

Definitely put in child maintenance claim - and even better if you can imply you need the money for going out…

Pumpkinsnearlyready · 21/09/2022 18:06

When my dc were with exh's gf I made a point of being lovely to her! She certainly looked puzzled! Exh hated the fact we got on. I was kept up to date on the dc and any events. Like when they got nits off her dd!! Made it easier knowing she was nice and we could talk.

In a short time she ran off and married his best mate!
Sure I helped her see the Real Him.

Original poster

Timetosleep21 · 23/09/2022 08:47

@gumball37 Ive looked in the ‘right of first refusal’ and it’s something that can be agreed here too. Thanks! I’d be happy to do it the other way. He’s more than welcome to ‘babysit’ his kids for me if he wants.

OP posts:

Original poster

Timetosleep21 · 23/09/2022 08:54

@pinkyredrose no she’s fully signed up. I think she think she’s helping him against his psycho ex.

Ive had a think about this and I’m going to vote IANBU! 😁.

if my ex was a respectful, collaborative co-parent, I’d have no issue with him occasionally getting his gf to help out with childcare. But that isn’t what this is.

the bottom line is that his decisions aren’t based on what’s best for our kids. They are missing out on their usual weekend clubs and play dates to sit in front of telly at gf’s house. ( she lives too far to take them to their sports)

OP posts:

HandbagsnGladrags · 23/09/2022 09:25

My ex used to take our daughter on a Friday night and then dump her at his parents overnight (who were very elderly, no internet or sky TV etc so she was bored shitless) so that he could bugger off out with his mates on the piss. When she was old enough to decide what she wanted to do, she just stopped going. What goes around, comes around.

GetThatHelmetOn · 22/12/2022 22:12

I would say that if the children are happy, let it be. Sometimes it is a blessing for the kids to have that extra person in their life when their dad/mum does not make the effort that much.

And don’t worry about him trying to put an act in front of her taking the kids everywhere when she is around. My partner’s ex throw it at my face that he only did nice things with the kids when I was around, not realising it was I who was organising the outings despite her kids being rude and ungrateful with both their parents!

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