Not to move house…

[Mrsblueshoes]

We live in a small 1 bed flat in London which we love. And is half an hour from work. But we have an 8 month DS. We found a small house in the town I grew up in near my mum. It means a long commute-2 hours -+ unreliable trains.
I don’t really want to move back to my old town, the idea makes me a bit depressed, although it’s fine & people love living there. I’m sure we’d make friends & settle in.
It seems to make sense to be near my mum for childcare support, although she is often very busy with her own things too so he’d have to tag along with her ..
we’ve decided we’d stay put in London in our flat until I go back to work & we know what it’ll be like. And the thought of moving feels a bit much right now.
but my mum is making me feel very selfish in this decision, that the pollution will harm our DS, that we won’t have any support & we should do what s best for him. I know she’s disappointed, but I feel awful now and so confused! Should we jump into the unknown and long (expensive) commute for the sake of our baby? Or stay with our decision to stick it out in London & the small flat a bit longer?…

Agree with others, 2 hour commute for you will not be good for your DS.

Can you make a two bed flat and childcare work in London? Because it’s a great place to bring up kids. So much for them to do. So many services when they’re small. Schools tend to be good. If they develop a passion then there are almost certainly top tier clubs/coaches around. And when they get to teen years it’s fantastic.

That's still 12 unnecessary hours away from DS a week.
You have made the right decision.

Definitely stay put for now. My kids hate the days when their dad works a two hour train ride away as he leaves before they wake up and gets back after they're in bed. The little one cried himself to sleep last night because of it. We do it because we have to but it's so incredibly far from ideal. I'm sure your little one would benefit more from more time with you than more time with a grandparent anyway, if there has to be a choice. Also, once your little one starts school (I realise that's quite a while off!) you'd never be able to do drop offs or pick ups with that kind of commute. Again, it's fine if it's something you have to do. But if you can avoid it, I would!

It doesn't sound like either are ideal and probably you will need to look to move somewhere else in the end.

Do you have a nursery lined up where you live? Not sure post covid how long the lists are but when we had ours they were extremely long in the area of London we live in. That might sway your decision making now.

In the next couple of years school will start to come into your thoughts, are there local schools of interest for your child?

Start to think about those and you may find the answer to your question in practicalities outside of what type of place you live in.

Having no commute (DH and I both WFH) is HANDS DOWN the biggest thing that’s made our lives easier with a small child (4yo). I would do anything you can to keep commute short.

DD is 4 and sleeps roughly 7:30-6:30. I get to see her until 8am when daddy walks her to school. I pick her up at 4:30 and we have until bedtime. If I had to commute, I’d be rushing to get out the door just as she was up, so wouldn’t see her and then likely she’d have to stay at nursery until 5:30/6, rush home, dinner, bath bed. I would likely get maybe 1.5-2 hours at most with her a day, any time I commute comes directly out of the time I get to spend with her. If I was commuting and seeing her less every day, I’d also find it a lot harder to take time to do hobbies and see friends and miss out more time with her but then my quality of life would be much lower.

You can’t buy time. Don’t give 12 hours a week because your mum is making you feel guilty!!

If your dm is worried she won't see her gc could she come to London one day a week to child mind. Long commute for her but only once a week. I have a few friends who are GPS and they commute to the city one day a week for this. Builds a relationship while hopefully saving you money.
But absolutely not to a two hour commute three times a week. You will be wrecked and never see baby .

A complete contrast to everyone else: I do a 2 hour commute, 4 hour round trip. I work 3 days a week currently and it is tiring but I actually don't mind it. My children are a little older, 2 and 3.5 and personally I've found I need the complete break, and I get so much done on the journey. I'm a much happier parent not having to rush home to do the pick up/bedtime routine, and I get so much full on time with them the other four days a week. Wouldn't be everyone's workable life and I do have reasonably reliable travel. I'd say the bigger issue is moving somewhere that makes you feel depressed. We're contemplating moving back to my childhood suburban area from a buzzy bit of London, to expand from a flat to a small house, and I can only think of advantages. It sounds like it isn't the right time for you and if you sit on it for another couple of years something better will present it self.

I would say things will likely change as your child gets older but for now, stay where you are. But start thinking about plans when you need a second bedroom (...which won't be long)

Your mother’s the selfish one.

Your child won't be "tagging along" when he is a toddler! Your DM will then stop doing childcare and you'll be stuck trying to find something that works.

I think the long commute thing only works when one half of the couple works locally or not at all, when both are trying to commute, it's a disaster.

But you will need more than a one bedroom flat - are there options to move to the side of London closer to your mum and then she could do a day a week and weekends would be easier

Where do your in laws live?

yes we’re thinking that too many life changes at once will be too stressful. Good to hear you’re settled now

@Coyoacan yes that’s what I worry about- being so far if I needed to get back

@Holidaying7 this is very true- we actually have a great little school at the end of our street!
we’ve not seen any 2 beds nearby we can afford, or they’re tiny, but perhaps something will turn up if we keep looking..

😆Very true, he’s already quite strong willed and very curious. I’m pretty sure he’s going to be a very busy little boy.
my mum runs a small holding so it seems all idilic him running around with sheep etc but I think it could be mayhem!

yes that is a good point we could look at moving to a side of London it’s easier for her to get up too…

It's a shame your mother is resorting to manipulation to prompt the move, pressuring you with the implication you're damaging your own DS because she wants more time with her family(presumably) organs her own opinion is hardly a necessary way to handle it.

If the thought of the move makes you feel depressed and you'd dread the extra commute then that tells you all you need to know. DS is only 8 months OP, you have his whole life to consider a move slowly and carefully. There will always be cheaper houses outside of London and who knows what job you may be doing in a few years or what the size and needs of your family will be. That's for you to decide what seems best, not a family member.

Don't let your mum make you feel selfish for doing what's right for your family. The pros should vastly outweigh the cons for moving house, conveyancing is expensive and very stressful. If the place you were moving to was fantastic, had all you needed work-wise, leisure-wise, childcare-wise, then it would be worth it. But this place - you don't remotely love it, you can't tell whether your mum would take on childcare reliably, and the commute to work is horrific. All of those are game changers imo.

When you do move, if you do, it should be to somewhere that ticks YOUR boxes, not your mum's.

Don't make any big decisions till DC is over two and you've got your life back a bit, then you'll know where you need to be. Although it's fairly clear you want to stay in London and not default to that town at all. Forge your own path.

If I were you I’d move to a bigger place halfway between your home town and where you are now? So just an hour commute. Is this an option? It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

Honestly I wouldn’t move and I hated living in London. 2 hrs is murder with little ones and I do 1.5 three days a week but my dc are older and DH is a SAHP. I remember the absolute stress of trying to peg it home in time for some semblance of family life.

id look to go into a two bed even if small just to give the baby some space of their own but other than that wouldn’t change what sounds a rather perfect little set up.

I was coming on to say exactly this, yes I think the 2 hour hometown plan sounds mad but frankly you are going to start to feel quite cramped in a 1 bed with a toddler in the next year or two so I wouldn't delay where you are too long considering the house buying process will take at least 3-6 months.

I'm def not one of those people that thinks you need a 5 bed executive home with a huge garden to raise DC, flats can work really well for families esp if you are near a nice park, but unless you have one of those big separate lounges that can double up as a bedroom he is going to need his own room at some point, and if you want another that's going to be very challenging. I know a lot of people on here are very skeptical about London suburbs and have this vision of dreary miles of houses with nothing in between, but honestly I think that's not at all true for large parts of outer London, they can be the best of both worlds, an urban/busy vibe but with more of a community feel than the centre, good schools (if you choose correctly), fast train or tube links to central and good road links out of the city too. If you're currently zone 1 or 2 I would have thought you can trade up to a 2 or 3 bed flat in zone 4ish - I'd look at what side of London your mum is and pick somewhere that's within an hour's commute to central for work but also where you can be on the appropriate motorway within 10 mins or so, (avoiding M25 if you can), then it's totally feasible that you can run your DS 1 hour ish up the motorway for emergency childcare or easily pop there and back for lunch or whatever on the weekends. If you can post which side of London/which motorway you need for your hometown and which station you need for work people might have good ideas?

Which zone are you in? Moving out a bit further into zones 4 + will give you more for your money. Depending on which side of the UK your mum lives, you could move out to zone 4. Usually you'll get better schools and more greenery for your money than Central London.

2 hour commute! Is that each way? That's 4 hours a day you could be spending with your baby. The days you work you will hardly see him btwn dropping of for day care and bed time. That certainly wont be better for him.

God no

I could live in my parents depressing town but I would never see my DD and I would live somewhere really depressing.

Having a small London home and a short commute - walking distance to nursery / school / childminders is the best.

Thank you everyone for your posts it’s really helped me feel a lot better about our decision. I had a tricky conversation with my mum yesterday morning and felt pretty shit, but we cleared the air today.
thank you for all the suggestions we feel like we’ve got a lot more options to consider now.
i think I just panicked about what we were going to. But we need take our time to consider the move and just enjoy ourselves in our little flat & see how things pan out. And we’re still adjusting to life with our LO really!

Is there no middle ground? Do you have to live either right in the middle of London in a tiny flat or move 2 hrs away?

But this is your choice, not your mum's.