Should I demand anything from my husband?

[parklife83]

My husband and I can't/don't communicate. Recently he has been snappy and short tempered, he gets like this at times when everything seems to be on top of him. I ask/encourage/suggest chatting until it gets to the stage where he has steam coming out his ears constantly and I demand that we chat to resolve the issues but he never will sit down and speak with me he just says things will blow over and his mood usually does subside but then we go through this again in a few weeks/months time as clearly he has things he hasn't been able to let go of.

Today it happened again. He thinks I blame him for everything - this is partly true I won't lie. He doesn't tend to take much initiative and doesn't see himself as being equally responsible for the kids. I found a bottle of breast milk in the baby bag that was now out of date, I just looked at him as I was so upset it was ruined and he launched into a tirade of not being responsible for it and I blame him for everything. It was from Saturday and I was out when he came home with the bag and the milk. He put the baby to bed so he was responsible. It upsets me as it takes me hours to pump a full bottle of milk for her and any waste is shameful.

I told him he was responsible for it and all he had to do was say sorry when I found it and that would have been it. He never takes responsibility for his (lack of) actions. He wouldn't let me speak and instead walked away from me. Then shouted that from now on he would be doing what he wants when he wants as apparently I do this - no idea where this has came from. He then said that he 'allows' me to do what I want but I don't 'allow' him. This is not how I want my relationship to be and had no idea he felt this way. I don't want to 'allow' him anything he's his own man. I have a feeling this is due to his playing golf yesterday and wanting to play at 4pm over dinner time when I told him I'd rather he went first thing. That didn't suit his golf partner tho who I think moaned about it being early.

He was due to drop me off at a baby class after this and as I got in his car I hit the door off the wall. He cracked up, told me to get out the f*cking car as I wasn't going anywhere today. Then took the baby back in the house.

My car is in the garage being fixed. He demanded the money to pay for it after this. I'm on maternity pay.

He's working from home and I didn't know what to do at this point as he was seriously acting so aggressively so I left the house and left the baby at home. His anger is always directed at me and never the kids but he is supposed to be working.

Iv told him to go back to the office as I don't think he works well at home and always seems to be in some sort of mood. It's ruined my maternity leave to be honest.

Aibu? Should I left the baby at home? I just needed out but now I'm dreading going home.

Should I be demanding he has a conversation with me when he has these issues? I don't think I'm controlling but he seems to think I am when it comes to him going out. I want to know more about it.

I shouldn't blame him for everything but I do feel responsible for him as if he's another child as opposed to my partner.

Just wanted to add that he told me last night I was gaslighting him and I asked him to explain how but he wouldn't. He just kept walking away from me while saying I was gaslighting.

He should not be behaving with aggression towards you.

However, I do think it's interesting that when he accidentally made a mistake (leaving the milk in the baby bag) you were upset and wanted him to take responsibility and apologise, and yet when you accidentally made a mistake (bashing his car door against the wall) you don't seem able to accept responsibility for that yourself.

I also think it's interesting that you wanted him to play golf at a time when it was inconvenient for his golf partner simply because playing at 4pm would have meant he was playing 'over dinner'. I mean, so what if he's not there for dinner? It's one meal.

You also 'told him' to go back to the office and 'demand' that he talks to you. If someone demanded that I talk to them when I really didn't want talk, I would absolutely hate it.

So while you might not be controlling in a coercive sense, I do think you sound quite domineering in some ways.

That doesn't excuse him being so aggressive that you are scared to go home, of course - that kind of aggression isn't OK - but when you say you 'feel responsible for him as he is another child' I think that perhaps you have cast yourself in that role, rather than him actually making it necessary, and that he is fed up with you treating like him like one.

Demand a divorce that’s the only sensible option here

This is a very balanced response.

This is a great reply

Thank you for the response.

I feel as well that we have fell in to this role of me being responsible for him and it being a vicious cycle. I have purposely taken a step back recently to allow him space to look after the kids without me standing over him making sure he does it my way. This has led to him feeding the kids only pancakes. For every meal. Iv made some frozen meals and bought some micro meals for them but still he will give toast and pancakes. No fruit or veg. Iv discussed the importance of nutrition for young kids but it feels patronising and ultimately he doesn't listen anyway.

You make really good points. I got very upset about the milk as it takes so long to pump and also isn't the first time he's done that - he does it often.

He doesn't have a great memory for things like this - his memory only seems to serve him well when it comes to sports so I do think it's selective - so I tend to remind him of things that need done but he doesn't like it. I stop reminding him and things don't get done. So I can't win as then I'm fully responsible for everything in the house and I'm not a single parent and he is oblivious to how much stress I'm under doing everything for everyone.

Just before the milk issue he couldn't find the baby's jacket and this was my fault. He was getting angry and frustrated about where it was and I said it's usually in her bag but he came shouting at me that it wasn't there and I should know where it is so I'd better find it.

I don't demand he chats to me first off, this builds up for days and I tell him we should chat, then when things are toxic and the kids are being affected I do demand that we sit down to discuss what is bothering him as it's about me and the way I'm supposedly treating him. My behaviour doesn't change in the same every day but this clearly doesn't sit well with him so I ask him to choose a time to chat when it suits him. As it stands we don't have these chats as he doesn't sit down with me. He just mellows for a few weeks then we get back here again but it's worse every time as he's obviously not chatting about the issues he has.

I don't know what to do. I can't force him to speak but he clearly doesn't like me most of the time and I can't change until I know what the issue is.

Cant add anymore than 10hailmarys has already said afraid

Definitely the only thing you should be ‘demanding’.

Some men don’t want be held accountable for their bad moods or accept blame when they make mistakes, so they turn it back on you. That moves the attention from them (left the breast milk in bag) to “you are being controlling”. You then spend time trying to explain why you are not controlling. This will never work, because they actually know you aren’t controlling but they just want to move the conversation away from their mistake/bad behaviour.

I think this is called DARVO? I have learned late in life that this is what my STBXH was doing to me. When I’m in an argument I just want to say what I think is true, or what feels to me is the truth. Unfortunately other people don’t work this way, the just want to “win”. They will say whatever they think will win the argument, forestall blame or make you feel bad. Honesty and truthfulness get forgotten by them.

Solutions: Not sure, I only tried to act too late when the power balance in the marriage was too entrenched in his favour. I guess look it up online/read books, take notes and see if it’s the same thing happening time and time again, then write a calm letter to him at a good time. Failing that, then relationship counselling?

The problem I have discovered ref my H, is that he has a giant need for EVERYONE to think well of him. That includes me, but of course if you are married you see your partner warts and all, and still love them. But that just doesn’t compute for him. In his eyes he is perfect and that is how I must see him. I actually feel sorry for him, he turns himself inside out so that perfect strangers think he’s a great guy, but he can’t even extend that courtesy to me.

Can you change your whole way of interacting with him so he feels like an equal?
For example, planning meals for the children - ask for his input - if he doesn't mention fruit or veg gently say 'perfect, we'll do that and what fruit or veg will I add?'
On some subconscious level you might be reminding him of his mother/a teacher from youth and he's tired of being made to feel like a child who isn't capable...
Praise him when he does good in front of the children (isn't Daddy so kind for doing that etc) - be careful not to patronise.

The shouting/aggression/abuse is not okay - I'm wondering is it a child/teenage self acting up in him because he's feeling controlled...

Was he only this way after the second child? Were things fine after the first?

I agree that at least you are domineering and belittling. He made an honest mistake, he shouldn't have to grovel forgiveness. You criticise his parenting yet walk out leaving the children with him while he is in an agitated state. I think that you were out of order over the golf. He's working and doing his bit with the kids. He can't even have time off without you wanting to control it.

I think this is true that he is acting out like a teenager as he feels controlled. Iv felt this for a while and have tried to ensure that I'm not controlling. I never set out to be but I'm a perfectionist in the house and he is the exact opposite, he would live in filth if I didn't clean.

I think this is a big part of the issue as for so long Iv done all the cleaning and tidying and he's acted like a child. We now have children and I expect him to step up and help but we're still in that cycle of him acting like a child and not wanting to help - I don't know how to deal with that so I tell him put your plate in the dishwasher, lift those 6 pairs of boxers from beside your bed, can you clean your skid marks off the toilet and flush the dirty paper that's still there (I wish I was joking). On Saturday night he blocked the toilet with a poo and paper and just left it to deal with the next day. I don't know how else to deal with that without losing my calm.

It's got to the stage where if I say anything he will say the opposite or not do it so I do think he has some issues and is maybe confused about what I'm asking for versus demanding. I know I can be short tempered when it's all left to me so I do bark orders at him the same as the kids when I'm in a rush to do something. If we're mall rushing out the door the kids get told get your shoes, brush your teeth and if he's just standing there watching I bark orders at him too. I don't have unlimited patience and I find it so hard to treat him with calm and respect when he's watching me rush about and not even think he should be helping or get involved.

On that note I have stopped being as much of a perfectionist over the years as i know he isn't and will never be one so Iv had to realise that when he does jobs they will be done his way and not what I think is the right way. That doesn't work for everything tho such as eating and cleanliness

He didn't have to grovel but he jumped straight down my throat about it and then blamed me.

He golfed the day before at a time convenient to him and was out the whole of Friday night so I wanted him home for dinner and bed time with his kids.

No they weren't fine after the first. He admitted he acted out of order with the first. He tried to make out I had a mental illness and was using it as a way to offend me, not out of concern. I didn't have any mental
Health issues and did speak to someone about this at the time as I was so unsure of myself. I didn't know anything about gaslighting back then and believe this is what he was doing. He suggested seeing a marriage counsellor then as he thought I would be affronted at the idea but I tried to pursue it and get him to go and he wouldn't. I arranged it vía work but he wouldn't go. Things got better after many months but I am worrying now that we're back at that place. I thought we were past it tho as baby is 9 months now

Have you ever just sat down and said 'I'm not happy, are you, what do you want/not want, would you just prefer to leave?'

No more trying, no more confusion, just end of the road, bottom line?

If he's not happy surely he wants something to change - can you find out what it is?

Yes back then we did. I spend a month trying to get him to chat and eventually just spoke at him one day after him not speaking to me for an entire month. I told him I wasn't happy asked if he was, he didn't want to get divorced or move out as he had nowhere to go but that wasn't a reason to stay together. He was the one who said he wanted to stay and work on the marriage. I agreed as I still loved him but we're going back down this route again. I told him that if he's not happy then he needs to leave or work on it. I don't have chronic mood swings like this but he tends to every few weeks/months and I don't know what to say anymore

He didnt speak to you for a whole month? That is not OK

So sorry OP for what you are going through. It sounds awful. Please read, and get him to read if you can, "Fair Play", a book about exactly your situation with your DH, and ideas about how to rebalance the responsibilities in a marriage. Not the whole answer as he clearly has problems which he won't address, but maybe it would open his eyes to the child/parent dynamic you have got into. Good luck.

Thank you hot wash I'll go an order this now.

Yes the whole month of September, I just stopped speaking as well as it was pretty pointless. Iv never felt more worthless in my life. My family live in another country so had no where to go

That is such a toxic environment, so toxic. Can you leave?

I think you need to stop blaming yourself.

He's lazy, selfish and is abusing you.

And you're being gaslit into thinking it's you.

You poor thing, he sounds horrible playing the moody teen while you do all the work. Ask him to leave for a while so you can both have a think about what you want.

I spend a month trying to get him to chat and eventually just spoke at him one day after him not speaking to me for an entire month.

Is this the silent treatment for a month or not talking about the relationship for a month? If it's the former then he is being abusive and it may be better to split up.

divorce.