Should I demand anything from my husband?

[parklife83]

My husband and I can't/don't communicate. Recently he has been snappy and short tempered, he gets like this at times when everything seems to be on top of him. I ask/encourage/suggest chatting until it gets to the stage where he has steam coming out his ears constantly and I demand that we chat to resolve the issues but he never will sit down and speak with me he just says things will blow over and his mood usually does subside but then we go through this again in a few weeks/months time as clearly he has things he hasn't been able to let go of.

Today it happened again. He thinks I blame him for everything - this is partly true I won't lie. He doesn't tend to take much initiative and doesn't see himself as being equally responsible for the kids. I found a bottle of breast milk in the baby bag that was now out of date, I just looked at him as I was so upset it was ruined and he launched into a tirade of not being responsible for it and I blame him for everything. It was from Saturday and I was out when he came home with the bag and the milk. He put the baby to bed so he was responsible. It upsets me as it takes me hours to pump a full bottle of milk for her and any waste is shameful.

I told him he was responsible for it and all he had to do was say sorry when I found it and that would have been it. He never takes responsibility for his (lack of) actions. He wouldn't let me speak and instead walked away from me. Then shouted that from now on he would be doing what he wants when he wants as apparently I do this - no idea where this has came from. He then said that he 'allows' me to do what I want but I don't 'allow' him. This is not how I want my relationship to be and had no idea he felt this way. I don't want to 'allow' him anything he's his own man. I have a feeling this is due to his playing golf yesterday and wanting to play at 4pm over dinner time when I told him I'd rather he went first thing. That didn't suit his golf partner tho who I think moaned about it being early.

He was due to drop me off at a baby class after this and as I got in his car I hit the door off the wall. He cracked up, told me to get out the f*cking car as I wasn't going anywhere today. Then took the baby back in the house.

My car is in the garage being fixed. He demanded the money to pay for it after this. I'm on maternity pay.

He's working from home and I didn't know what to do at this point as he was seriously acting so aggressively so I left the house and left the baby at home. His anger is always directed at me and never the kids but he is supposed to be working.

Iv told him to go back to the office as I don't think he works well at home and always seems to be in some sort of mood. It's ruined my maternity leave to be honest.

Aibu? Should I left the baby at home? I just needed out but now I'm dreading going home.

Should I be demanding he has a conversation with me when he has these issues? I don't think I'm controlling but he seems to think I am when it comes to him going out. I want to know more about it.

I shouldn't blame him for everything but I do feel responsible for him as if he's another child as opposed to my partner.

I spent months trying to get him to talk to me the last time and he just wouldn't do it. It was toxic. I would get the baby to bed and sit at the kitchen table with no phone, book, tv on just so he knew I wasn't busy and there was no excuse not to talk then everything came to a head and there was silence for a month before I finally cracked

I have no family in this country they live in another part of the uk. There's no one I could stay with for a while and I couldn't take kids out of school to go to family.

Well you both sound pretty toxic and awful and like neither of you can communicate. If you want to save your marriage I'd say you need couples counselling, but it sounds like there's A LOT to unpick, so you may be better off calling it a day.

Would you be able to elaborate more on why you find me toxic, awful and unable to communicate? Thanks

You sound hard work.

Ignore PP, you're clearly in an awful situation and trying..could you get council housing? Could your family lend you money to put a deposit down elsewhere?

You DEMAND he talks to resolve things when he hass made clear he doesn't want to (perhaps because of the way you speak to him?). You admit you blame him for everything. You get furious over a mistake he makes. You TELL him what to do with work and his friends. Your attempt at trying to communicate with him is to sit yourself at a table and wait for him to come to you and this goes on for A MONTH?!

I am not saying this is just you. But you definitely play your part.

Everything you've said has been what Iv went to as a last resort. I didn't sit at a table for months I tried to ask him to speak to me I asked him to let me know a convenient time if it didn't suit when I suggested it. I tried to speak to him when he was calm to find a suitable time either then or in the future to discuss things. In the end I made myself available each day so the ball was in court as it obviously didn't suit when I tried to initiate things. I explained that to him and said I'm free every night and made that the case. I haven't demanded anything of him from work either, I thought it went without saying that I discussed him being at home while working and suggested we would get on better with him back in the office. He has complained about me every day since Iv been on mat leave and I have not found it fun looking after a baby and cleaning up his constant mess he leaves in the kitchen as he tells me he is too busy to tidy it until the end of the day. My husband wants to live life like a single man but remain married with two kids and live in this house where he doesn't pull his weight and also doesn't like it when I point this out.

You're each as bad as the other. A toxic mess and totally unsuited for each other. End this before it damages your kids.

Its not an excuse for the aggression, however being infantilised and micromanaged does wear you down eventually.

You both just sound very unhappy. This is obviously not a clear cut bad guy situation. It is unacceptable to not communicate with you properly. But, to be honest you have described some of your own behaviours as not okay either. If I made a mistake of leaving a bottle out (we're only human after all and all make mistakes) and my partner started demanding apologies- I would not accept this at all. If this happened repeatedly when I was just tryinf to do my best - I would be considering leaving. Also, if I couldn't meet a friend for a few hours because of 'dinner time', I would feel stifled and controlled. That was plain unreasonable (unless there is a big back story that this is every day). And if in an argument my partner stormed out and left me with the baby with no discussion about what the plan is E.g. child care for that day. I would be seriously angry.
I think if you flipped the genders and imagined your we're complaining about the things your husband might be complaining about, you'd probably be getting some LTBs
It sounds like some joint admission of wrong doing and maybe counselling is necessary

@parklife83

He don't want to sit down and discuss the issues in your relationship. He is avoiding it as he sees it as him being attacked.

No its not right him or you snapping at each other. But all I see here is you trying. A see a constant cycle.

I am not saying this for lay any blame either side.

Where is the time you and him. The fun?
Just a meal, general chat.

Sounds like you resent him and he is annoyed at you and feels belittled.

If you want to stay together is there a way you can get some time just the both of you. Maybe from there you could find a resolve together.

To remember why you are together.

My partner communicates different to me. I changed my approach as realised that all it did was make him feel attacked and shut down. Where's as I am a want to sort things out and move on person.

He needs more time than I do to see it. Not bad just different people.

So now if something annoys me I tell him and leave it up to him. I then get on with my own things. Because life's to short.

I'm really not sure why you're being accused of being toxic. I assume it's because you told him you didn't want him to play golf over dinner. Which, by itself, of course WOULD be a controlling and annoying thing. But even from your OP it was clear that the problem is that he doesn't seem to feel he needs to take responsibility so I wasn't in the slightest bit surprised to hear that he'd been out friday AND saturday and still wanted to be out golfing all day Sunday. Nor was I surprised to hear that when he feeds the DC it's all pancakes and toast.

OP - lots of people are going to come on here and tell you that YOU have to communicate better. And that may or may not be true. But the key point is that you're living with a man who not only does not want you to tell him what to do... he has no desire to do things in a manner that is at least barely competent. So sure, you being upset about the milk if it was just the one mistake he made would be unfair. But if you've spent all week reminding him and begging him to do things, then no wonder you're exhausted.

I bet he tells you' you're nagging too?

I have a good friend who was in a similar situation to you - she felt like she was doing anything and he never stopped to THINK or take responsibility for anything. And it was getting really quite ugly.

But in their case, they'd sort of sleep walked into it and he was being a dick because he didn't think at all but, to be fair to her, she was doing lots of thinking and planning and compromising and making it so easy that he genuinely had no idea. They've spent a few months really working through it with her being clearer about why she's decided on x or y and him being far more engaged in the process and it's so nice to see the progress. I spent an afternoon with him at our DC's joint activity the other day and the difference in the way he was talking about her/the DC was just amazing.

But the key point is that he was willing to be part of the process of fixing things and they have BOTH done the work.

I am an everlasting optimist but I think this is solvable. As others have said and you really have pointed out yourself you each cannot communicate effectively with the other.

He takes a clearly still breastfed baby out and about which is good so he isn’t completely useless but he makes thoughtless mistakes. You sound pretty worn down and anxious to the extent that you have started controlling things to head off future problems. That is pretty common and wearing and eventually resentment builds up. The reality is though he needs to be allowed to fail, to try again and to learn by fixing his own mistakes. You need to stop saving him from his mistakes, let him deal with them.

My DH is a total ditz too. Eventually I learned to stop trying to stop that part of him and now he clears up his own messes. It costs him time and energy and money but it is his problem. Perfectionism is beyond irritating too and that is your flaw that your DH has to deal with. It is anxiety based and it is annoying as hell. I’m more like you in that regard but I’m self aware enough to know it is no picnic to deal with either.

Just to be clear I didn't tell him he couldn't golf at dinner time. He asked what time suited and mentioned 4pm I said I'd rather first thing. He is out golfing over dinner and bath time frequently and is only really present at those times twice a week. I don't find that fair for our kids and I don't find voicing my opinion on a suitable time to be controlling. I didn't demand he went at the time I said.

He does seem to find me controlling and alludes to that with his comments however today when I'd bashed his car door I was told I wasn't going anywhere and he took the baby back in the house, I didn't get to go to the class I'd booked and paid for because he told me I wasn't going. He then started stomping round the house shouting at me and never allowing me to speak so I literally fled the house and walked for 5 miles. Yes perhaps not the most considerate thing to do but at this point Iv given up being considerate as there is no consideration for me on his part whatsoever and my only thought was to get out the house and away from him before it escalated further

If we flipped genders all these points would have stood out when the post was first read but many of you have glossed over the fact I was told I was not allowed to go anywhere and to get out of 'the fucking car'.

I 100% could be such a better wife and I think about it every day when I see Iv pissed him off again but other than retreating in to myself and keeping my mouth shut when he leaves a mess, gives the children 6 hours of screen time after school, doesn't do homework and feeds them toast and pancakes for dinner what else am I supposed to do? Keep quiet and smile about it, let it happen or do it all myself so either way he is happy?

I know I have been guilty in the past of micro managing and infantilising him, this was due to him not pulling his weight and me trying to pick up the slack whilst trying to be a 'cool girlfriend' because when we first met and I was 19 and he was 26 he told me I was being a nag for asking him to help round the house because it was my job. Fast forward a few years and we're in the position where I have matured and can see that I now micro manage what he does because he has failed to learn what needs to be done and how to do it.

If I stop micro managing him then he loses it and tells me I'm being awkward by not helping him.

I know I'm ranting and I'm sorry but I just want to know how you think I ended up like this? I didn't come in to this relationship with being a ball buster in mind but that's what I'm told I am because I expect my house not to be filthy every day

Right, well I am simply reflecting what you yourself described. If you think you have done nothing at all wrong and this is all him why are you with him?

This is why I suggested counselling. It's a good forum to get help communicating, and perhaps address ones own behaviours as well. I doubt you will resolve it otherwise as, based on your own description, this sounds pretty toxic on both sides.

I couldn't live with him, I don't know how you manage it.
You've got yourself into a horrible cycle and to be honest if he is not willing to work with you then I don't se what there is to do. You could try marriage counseling if he is willing, but honestly the example your setting to your dc is not a good one, especially regarding how men treat women. That would prompt me to figure this out one way or another.

Thanks for responding, I of course don't think I'm not in the wrong or to blame at all. I know I am also but I feel like I'm the only one trying to change it some something about it.

Counselling has been booked in the past and he point blank refused to go.

He gets like this every so often when he can't deal with things. He doesn't communicate well at all, he gets angry then let's it blow over but it never fully blows over as he will drag up the past all the time.

I know I need to work on not being a perfectionist and I have been for years. I have changed a lot and am nowhere near as bad as I used to be. I don't see much change on his part and at these times I feel lost, broken and so unsure of myself.

I hate that the kids witness this too

Also, the fact that he completely refused to talk to you for weeks is totally unacceptable and 100% abusive behaviour.

Ultimately it seems like he is stonewalling you and it's either his way or not at all.

Refuses to speak to you for a month, refused counselling, refuses to accept responsibility for clearing up after himself like an adult, refuses to properly parent, puts his hobbies before his family.

What is your line in the sand at which point you say "enough"

Just wanted to say that I completely sympathise with your reaction on the breast milk - I also use to get upset when DH left it out and it spoiled because it does take a lot of effort to pump and it's even more stressful when you are trying to establish your supply or are worried about your supply drying up (my midwife and I use to refer to it as liquid gold )

This set by up isn't healthy I would suggest you get divorced to be honest.

It probably is so irrational but I exclusively pump as she can't/won't feed directly and it's taken me so long to get to the point I have just enough without formula top ups. It's been a rough ride on the feeding/pumping front

Jesus, in no way are you being unreasonable or controlling or whatever OP, you sound like a woman worn down and on her last nerve. Get rid of him, he will never get any better.

OP, I'm totally on your side, please ignore the posters making you the problem, you've clearly tried, tried and tried.. Could you get some support and think about leaving/asking for a break/temporary separation to see what might work?