Parents Bank Rolling Brother all his life. (48 Years Old) - Inheritance Q's

[Jaydubya]

My parents have financially supported my brother his entire life. He is 48 years old. From the age of 7 he went to private school (I remained at state school). Their reasoning for this was that he was a male who would eventually be the bread winner for his family and would need a better education for this, whereas I was going to marry someone who would be the main breadwinner and would support me. He got expelled from private school just before his GCSE's but still got some average grades. He got into drink and drugs around this age and would con my parents into giving him money, saying he needed a car for job interviews, and money for cigarettes etc. If they refused, he said he would steal money from them or other peoples houses etc and if he got caught and put in prison, it would be on them for not providing him with what he wants. My mum has an issue with authorities as her childhood was in institutions, and she wanted to keep him out of prison.

His drug taking got worse throughout the following years and we lived in hell. Mum used to sleep with her purse under her pillow. He would come home in the small hours and put really loud techno music on and eat everything in the kitchen and then fall asleep at 3-4am with the music still blaring. If we challenged him about this he was violent and agressive and would smash things up and hit us.

I continued with my education, taking the first opportunity I had to leave home to go to Uni, got a degree and had a reasonably successful career, until I took a break to have children. I have been fully financially independent from my parents since I finished Uni and immediately started working. They give me birthday and Christmas presents but that is all.

My brother has never worked for long in a job (never more than a fews weeks). He has done some cash in hand work as a bouncer, furniture removal etc. Never had a career or trained for anything he rarely worked when he was younger and hasn't even attempted to work for the last 20 years after he got stabbed. They have paid for his accommodation, food, clothes, car (buying, insurances, servicing, repairs, parking tickets etc). He moved into Council accommodation for some years and receive benefits (topped up by M&D) but just before lock down, he moved back in with M&D and they are still fully supporting him.

He has taken over the entire house and dominates them. Their house was always lovely and tidy and clean, and now its a state, full of his clutter and dirty. When I visit, they are constantly saying don't touch that its your brothers, or that food is his, he'll go mad if you touch it. He also emotionally bullies them and punishes them if do something he doesn't like by not talking to them for days on end, and being agressive towards them. He is now an alcoholic - he gets up about 4pm and goes to bed about 4am. He moved in with them again, under the pretence of helping them with their old age, but he doesn't do much to help them (occasionally cuts the grass - that is it).

My mother had a stroke 7 years ago and my dad is her carer and although she is wheelchair bound they don't have any outside help. They are both 80 and its got impossible for my dad to cope with this anymore. I am powerless to do anything. My mum won't challenge my brother and if my dad and I raise objections to his behaviour she gets upset and it causes a family argument.

I tolerate my brother, but I do not like him and avoid him if I can. I do not have any power to interfere with their lives and I rarely visit due to my brother but we speak a lot on the phone. Recently my parents have been talking about their will and how they will split their assets 50/50 between my brother and I.

AIBU to feel that after all these years of them supporting him that there is an argument for me to suggest that he has had some of his inheritance already? Especially as I know the money he gets from inheritance will be going on drink and drugs. Any inheritance we receive (if I'm to receive my part) will require selling the house that my parents and brother live in. Advice please?

Sorry but a BIG NO.
Their money, their choice.
Case close

Sorry but just posting from the heart - I understand your plight but it is their money.

It’s really nothing to do with you. They can choose to spend THEIR money however they wish, and leave it however they wish. I accept you’ve been treated unfairly but you’re sounding quite grabby.

As awful as it is your db will get his desserts when your dps have passed.... However much cash he has he will be on his arse in no time.
You however....
Why not see them away from their home?

Bluntly, yes YABU. The inheritance should be split equally. It sounds like he is in a worse position than you at the moment therefore arguably if anyone should receive a greater share of the inheritance it should be him. I dislike it when parents don't split inheritances equally, it's basically telling one child they weren't loved as much as the other.

I am so sorry.

I will say that it sounds likely they'll need care, so Maybe don't expect the house to he an inheritance.

No they can split 50/50 your biggest problem is goi to be getting him out to sell the house to get your half.

Frankly, I think it's fortunate for you that your parents are planning to split any inheritance 50/50. They could just as easily decide to leave a higher proportion, or even the whole amount, to your brother on the basis that he is more in 'need' of it and you're not because you can support yourself.

If your dad can't cope and they need outside help then there's your answer. Why aren't they spending their savings on that and improving their quality of life instead of struggling on and hoarding it to pass on. That's what you should want for them and be discussing, not your inheritance.
Your anger is misplaced.

Seriously? With obvious elder abuse going on, your inheritance is your big worry?

I'd call social services and tell them there is elder abuse going on...

But the reality is that if everyone has accepted that is the situation and the house is the only inheritance they will leave, you have no chance of getting anything as your brother is not going to leave the property of his own free will and therefore you will get half of what's left when he destroys it which you will have spent on court fees to force him to sell. So I would simply walk away and have no expectations. I appreciate that is unfair - but that is what your mother/father wanted for you from a young age.

You don't know if it is "elder abuse" However, I agree that Soc Services referral and concerns of OP to be independently investigated is needed.

As for any money for an inheritance, my feeling is it will be used up in care fees and as the brother is living there he may have a right to live there even when his parents have passed on.

Via my work years ago I often saw and heard stories from a sibling that felt their parent/s were being manipulated by the sibling living with the parent but not prepared to move parents in with themselves or move or there. There are always two sides to a story. Not referring to the OP here

OP - Seek advice from soc services.

Sadly, YABU - their money, their choice.

I do agree it's worth looking into social services support, as it sounds like your mum is scared of her son and that's not a good sign.

I know it feels wrong, but your parents have 2 children, so it should be equal. He will squander his and you will maybe invest in your property etc. You are the much better off sibling. It's likely he's been through trauma that triggered the addiction. That of course is not an excuse to ruin loved ones lives, just an explanation, that maybe can be understood. Al Anon can help you to detach with love. Work on yourself, that's all you can do. It's because of unresolved issues that things have got this bad for all concerned.

I see where you’re coming from, but honestly, thank your lucky stars they are doing a 50:50 split. My friend in a similar position is getting nothing because she has a house (that she worked her house off for), her sister has sat on her arse living off her parents and is going to get the lot.

Similar situation in my family, I don't think you are grabby at all you just don't want to see all your parents life savings sniffed up your brothers nose or drunk.
However, there is nothing you can do about it.
They have this awful old fashioned attitude of men before women.
I solved the problem by moving 300 miles away and concentrating on my career.
I pride myself in never needing anything from them and having been self sufficient all of my life.
I didn't need them when I was younger and I don't now.
Let them sort themselves out, they have made their bed and they can lie in it.

Sorry to say it, but I'm only surprised they're not planning to leave him the lot ("He needs it more ..." etc.) and they may yet do this if he turns on the waterworks about not being able to manage when they're gone

As PPs have said it's their money to do as they wish with, but the choices they've made in creating this situation are also theirs. I'd suggest a call to Adult Social Services about the abuse, but doubt it'll make any difference with your DPs blocking them at every turn

Realistically there's probably little you can do, so stepping back a bit may be worthwhile - and if they're not prepared to make any changes I certainly wouldn't be listening to any moaning about how DB's treating them

I would just scale down the contact, and try not to care too much about any of it. Your parents made their choice about their priorities when you were both children. They chose wrongly, now they are living with the results of their choice.

there is no point in you making yourself miserable by continuing the cycle of feeling rejected and less important or valued. You have done well, just rest content on that. As other people have said, it doesn’t sound as if there is going to be much of an inheritance once your brother has worked through it; better for your peace of mind just to walk away and write it off. Be careful that any inheritance chat doesn’t come with implications of your caring for ie supporting your worthless sibling, as well.

You have a life worth having. A life you have earned for yourself that contains genuine relationships, genuine achievements, genuine security that you don't depend on anyone else for. Your brother's life is a heap of misery and shit and fear. Yes, he spreads that fear around, and that is awful. But you have always been much richer than him. Would you prefer his life to yours?

I would do your best to expect nothing. As PP said, even if the house doesn't ultimately all go on care fees, by the time your brother has trashed it and you have been to court to force sale, what's left might buy you a coffee.

Get some counselling to talk about this whole shitshow, and to help you manage your very understandable resentment of your parents and set some boundaries for yourself around this whole situation. And get Social Services involved. But otherwise, step back and work on expecting nothing.

as pp said - their money/house their choice.
but he is abusing them and steps need to be taken. That will have to be you if you care about them, because who else is going to step in?

It's not fair but it will be better for you to accept you won't get anything.

He will either con the rest of their money out of them, convince them to leave the house to him or make it impossible for you to sell the house without expensive legal action.

He has been enabled all his life, your parents can't change now. You have my sympathies.

NB: Thos that are saying the brother is "con... abusing" parents - you don't know that as there are 2 sides to every story. As I said a while ago an assessment from soc services is the way forward.

Parent may rightly or wrongly feel the son is the only one that cares about them.

It's sad to think the property/money they've worked for will be wasted by your brother, but the decision is theirs and I don't think your brother would make it easy if they did leave you a bigger share.

You'd be better preparing yourself that they will leave him everything. It's fairly likely that he'll convince or coerce them into that, you can of course contest but if it's in their will I don't think you have a strong case. You could even find that if you are left 50% your brother refuses to leave the house or sell it and takes any money before the will reading so hide it from you.

Is there anything you feel you can do now to address the situation, try to get your DM to see sense and distance from brother? Personally I'd be more concerned with the abuse they are living with than future inheritance if it was realistic that your DM can be reasoned with. Obviously you need to take care of yourself too and not get involved to a level that is damaging to you be that trying to reason with your DM, supporting them to get better boundaries or simply making peace with the situation.

You also have to factor in that your parents have enabled this behaviour from the outset with their views on perceived sex-based roles. They are reaping what they sow now, they've created a monster.

As PP says, prepare to get nothing but by the sounds of it any money left to your DB will be frittered away then he'll have nothing whilst you are self-sufficient.

imo inheritance should always be evenly split and you shouldn’t ask for this to change

Realistically I think there is no money in this and it would be a waste of time pursuing it and would cause you and them distress. I agree it’s their money and also agree that it has been unfair to this point. But I don’t think that is really your problem. I imagine you are really concerned that his leeching is having a huge impact on your parents care and quality of life. I would talk to them about selling their home now and moving to assisted living so your father has help with care. You brother would not be able to go due to age restrictions so I would expect they may try and give him some money to move out but at least then he is out and they have suitable living conditions.