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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For judging parents that have no contact with the children?

47 replies

JudgingNC · 20/09/2022 07:30

I’ve name changed for this.

At 16 I wanted to go NC with my Dad after years of emotional abuse but it took me 8 years to do it due to fear of his reaction and wanting to do the right thing.

I now rather negatively judge anyone who’s children no longer talk to them. I know that this is tarnished by my own experience as the final nail in the coffin was pretty awful.

Recently this has become a problem as someone I hold very dear has started dating someone who doesn’t speak to one of their children and it instantly put me off this person.

So AIBU to be using this as a marker for how good a person is? Do I need to give myself a strong talking to?

OP posts:
Triffid1 · 20/09/2022 07:45

Intellectually I totally get that these situations are complicated.... but I also immediately distrust a person who has no co tact with their children. X1000 if it's because of a "toxic ex".

SavoirFlair · 20/09/2022 07:48

Maybe the “toxic ex” is using no contact with the children as a weapon due to silly adult “man” not paying?

These situations are always complex, often riddled with childish and irrational behaviour from both sides

But stay judging, Mumsnet. Pick a side, and back the “wronged”. Meanwhile, the kids……

girlmom21 · 20/09/2022 07:51

People who are no contact with adult children - not so much because there'll be someone at fault but not necessarily the parent.

People who are no contact with young children and have a million and one excuses - absolutely.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 20/09/2022 07:51

I struggle to understand how parents don't see their children. Equally, I struggle to understand how anyone can cut off their parents. I try not to judge in either scenario because I understand that these issues are complex and if I'm outside of it, I can't possibly know what has happened.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 20/09/2022 07:51

In all my years on this earth I have only known of one situation where the ex was stopping them seeing the kids where that was actually the case and he had fought tooth and nail and had been in and out of court for ages. In that time never stopped paying maintenance, writing them letters, buying birthday gifts that ge wasn’t sure they’d get etc.
In every other case they’ve been a twat or it’s just an excuse

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 20/09/2022 07:51

In there’s of adults being NC I think it can be a lot more complex.

CakeMonster1 · 20/09/2022 07:52

I selected YABU only on the grounds that there's a lot of adults who have had no choice but to go NC with their children. Mostly adult children tbf, sometimes there's a lot more gone on than anyone could ever imagine. Blackmail, abuse, theft etc from children and adults have no choice but to wash their hands. İf there's valid reasons then I fully understand.

İf there's no reason at all (for the kind of examples above( and parents have just cut their kids off then it's bloody terrible. İf it's non adult children it's even worse.

I think as long as the reasons why NC is due to something extremely valid then it's understandable NC is there. I think it may be worth in your case finding out why the person has NC with their child if that makes sense?

I know a few people through my work life that have had to cut their kids from their lives. One was an addict and she helped him as much as she could, but after him numerously stealing and burgling other family member, ending up in prison, enough was enough. Another ex colleague had a son who was caught with indecent images of kids, he got off with it completely but to her he was deemed dead to her so she doesn't class him as her son and has NC. A couple I know were treated awfully bu two of their daughters who had taken out loans, credit cards in their names, ran up huge debts , escalated to emotional and verbal abuse to both parents and debt collectors/bailiffs turning up at parents house. The couple (girls parents) were loveliest people you could meet. They ended up having to move away and go NC for their own sanity.

But if one or both parents just cut out their kids for no reason or to spite an ex its lowest of the low.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 20/09/2022 07:52

girlmom21 · 20/09/2022 07:51

People who are no contact with adult children - not so much because there'll be someone at fault but not necessarily the parent.

People who are no contact with young children and have a million and one excuses - absolutely.

Ah, yes, sorry- was assuming all adults.

People who have no contact with actual children... that's just abandonment.

over2021 · 20/09/2022 07:52

Yes, major red flag for me.

The only people I know who have gone NC have done it with good reason and I have acquaintances who have children they do not sure and pretty much all have addictions pr a criminal past. Only one doesn't meet those criteria and that's more a case of circumstance- the mum moved to Wales before baby was born with a different boyfriend so he's never been the father figure.

SudocremOnEverything · 20/09/2022 07:53

I think you can’t possibly know so should refrain from judging at all.

Sirzy · 20/09/2022 07:56

I don’t think you can judge in general unless you know the full story as to what has happened.

i know of someone who upped and disappeared with the children to move to a new partner leaving her ex to have to fight tooth and nail to have any contact.

then there are others like Ds father who just walk away without caring.

you can’t judge both situations the same.

girlmom21 · 20/09/2022 07:56

SudocremOnEverything · 20/09/2022 07:53

I think you can’t possibly know so should refrain from judging at all.

What about when you do know? Like my sisters ex who claimed not to know where his kids were so he couldn't possibly see them, while also refusing to work as his ex would claim maintenance if he did? We all knew where his kids are. Our relatives are friends with his ex. He just really didn't care and blamed his ex got 'hiding' them.

Porcupineintherough · 20/09/2022 07:59

Well my mum cut contact with my brother (as an adult) following years of domestic abuse - he's a drug addict and used to hit her and steal her money. She wouldn't tell you that, if pressed she'd just say they've lost contact.

A friend of hers doesn't see her son because his wife is a narc and forbids it. They used to meet up secretly but the strain of discovery eventually got to him and he cut contact. He said he'd be back in touch when his daughter has grown up - we'll see.

But judge away.

Original poster
JudgingNC · 20/09/2022 08:01

Thanks everyone for replying. It has been so interesting to read everyone’s point of view.

Funny how you look at things so heavily influenced from your own experience. Obviously there are many many situations where having no contact is out of peoples control. And there is always two side to every story and the truth is somewhere in the middle.

I definitely need to remind myself in these situations to wait to pass judgment.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 20/09/2022 08:04

A friend of hers doesn't see her son because his wife is a narc and forbids it. They used to meet up secretly but the strain of discovery eventually got to him and he cut contact. He said he'd be back in touch when his daughter has grown up - we'll see.

But judge away.

I absolutely will judge someone who picks their wife over their child and I hope his daughter tells him to fuck off.

SudocremOnEverything · 20/09/2022 08:05

girlmom21 · 20/09/2022 07:56

What about when you do know? Like my sisters ex who claimed not to know where his kids were so he couldn't possibly see them, while also refusing to work as his ex would claim maintenance if he did? We all knew where his kids are. Our relatives are friends with his ex. He just really didn't care and blamed his ex got 'hiding' them.

Show quote history

If they’re actually children - as I’m dependent small people - then it isn’t the same as the situation outlined in the OP at least. That’s people whose adult children have gone NC.

Original poster
JudgingNC · 20/09/2022 08:06

In the case of this new partner there are other pink flags and they are one of those people that in every story of conflict they have never done anything wrong and it is always the other persons fault so I think I will still be Judgy McJudgiston with them haha.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 20/09/2022 08:06

@SudocremOnEverything I thought the person she'd started had a young child

Sirzy · 20/09/2022 08:07

girlmom21 · 20/09/2022 08:04

A friend of hers doesn't see her son because his wife is a narc and forbids it. They used to meet up secretly but the strain of discovery eventually got to him and he cut contact. He said he'd be back in touch when his daughter has grown up - we'll see.

But judge away.

I absolutely will judge someone who picks their wife over their child and I hope his daughter tells him to fuck off.

I read it more like he is staying with his wife at the cost of his relationship with his Mum in order to protect his relationship with his daughter

Original poster
JudgingNC · 20/09/2022 08:08

Oh I think I should clarify the child is an adult

OP posts:
SudocremOnEverything · 20/09/2022 08:09

girlmom21 · 20/09/2022 08:06

@SudocremOnEverything I thought the person she'd started had a young child

Recently this has become a problem as someone I hold very dear has started dating someone who doesn’t speak to one of their children and it instantly put me off this person.

Given the context for this feeling is having gone NC with her own father as she grew up, there’s no indication of a young child.

Abandoning your child is a different situation to complex and messy human relationships between adults.

Basket20 · 20/09/2022 08:11

IME people judge the adult children who go no contact with the parent and feel for the parent. You are judging because you went nc with your parent but for the general population Imo, you are the one being judged unfavourably rather than your parent. Parents are held in very high regard and can do no wrong. Even if you describe abuse it is usually met with a response of there is complicating circumstances, two sides to every story, two persons being too alike/different, parenting is difficult etc etc. If you have been abused as a child you will usually have personality/drug/dependency/psychiatric issues which makes it easier for people to blame the adult as they are probably viewed as difficult to have an adult relationship with. So I think yabu cos it's the other way around.

Soontobe60 · 20/09/2022 08:12

I do know a couple of men who have no contact with their children. And yes, in both cases it was due to the children's mothers alienating the children from the fathers. It does happen.
One of the mothers has been so awful that in order to try to stop the way she was manipulating the children the father had to stop trying to see them. She has financially ruined him due to legal fees. He’s a broken man who has attempted suicide several times.
I feel very sorry for the children in those families, they are totally messed up primarily because of their mother’s behaviour.

BackT · 20/09/2022 08:15

My adult brother doesn't speak to me or my mum.

I can genuinely say it is not down to anything my lovely mum has done.

In his case it has more to do with his wife. My mum is pretty devastated as she's been excluded from the grandchildren too.

Personally I wouldn't feel a loss if I never saw them again.

Whatafustercluck · 20/09/2022 08:15

You can't help how you feel and you're not the first person I've heard say this. It's quite worrying for me that people view my DH in this way, though, and that anything he or I say by way of explanation is met with such skepticism.

Eldest stepdaughter went nc at 14, almost 11 years ago. She was told by her mum that she was old enough to make that decision. I'm not going to get into the detail. Suffice to say I believe stepdaughter felt she had to pick a side, and it was natural for her to choose the parent she spent most time with. It was an acrimonious split which went on for several years as they bickered over lots of things, huge differences of opinion on raising the children in particular, very different expectations etc. It was really sad all around, and both dh and I went through something i can only explain as grief.

He never missed a payment, wanted to see as much of the children as he could and has continued to send cards, has written letters over the years and left the door open to contact. A very sad situation for everyone involved. Stepdaughter has no contact with her younger siblings either - and it's tough for us to explain they have another sister.

Dh and his ex did learn from it I think and made a better job of communicating with the youngest. She's now 22 and we're still very close, she adores her younger siblings. I'm sure she's found it hard over the years, too, knowing her sister isn't part of our family.

Sometimes things are very complicated OP. There's all kinds if psychology involved in parental alienation and it's never as straight forward as you think. I genuinely believe both dh and his ex could have dealt with things better/ differently. Ironically, they're very amicable with one another now. If eldest sd ever has children, I expect dh will find that incredibly hard.