For judging parents that have no contact with the children?

[JudgingNC]

I’ve name changed for this.

At 16 I wanted to go NC with my Dad after years of emotional abuse but it took me 8 years to do it due to fear of his reaction and wanting to do the right thing.

I now rather negatively judge anyone who’s children no longer talk to them. I know that this is tarnished by my own experience as the final nail in the coffin was pretty awful.

Recently this has become a problem as someone I hold very dear has started dating someone who doesn’t speak to one of their children and it instantly put me off this person.

So AIBU to be using this as a marker for how good a person is? Do I need to give myself a strong talking to?

I'd want to reserve judgement in the cases of no contact with parents and adult children. I have known some adult children who are non contact with their parents, but they also do this to other people, friends, other relatives etc... in which case I have to wonder, it is them that the problem? But I have to say I do judge no contact when it's an adult parent and child. I'm not saying I'm right to judge, just admitting that I do!

my sister's dating the man who abused me for 5 years, my mum chose me because she knew my sister would never leave him and see the truth, we've been no contact for 13 years now, think before you judge, equally i went no contact with my dad because of his narcissistic attitude, the point is to listen to the story first the narcs will reveal themselves

Adult DC, it could be for all sorts of reasons. If they don’t see their minor children then I’d take it as a huge red flag.

Having said that, in my extended family the only man who doesn’t have any contact with his adult DC is a waste of oxygen who has picked a series of appalling women as partners and put every one above the welfare of his child. He allowed them to make his home a hostile place for his child. His DC eventually cut him off.

I read that the son has chosen his wife over his mother. I’m assuming that the daughter is the mothers grandchild.
’Ann has a son Billy who is married to Sally. They have a child Lucy. Sally doesn’t let Billy see Ann, and as a result Ann doesn’t see Lucy either.
Billy is putting his relationship with his wife Sally and daughter Lucy before that of his mum Ann.

And there is always two side to every story and the truth is somewhere in the middle

i have a close relative who doesn’t see the child of his first relationship and i really don’t get it. Don’t understand. It’s something that never comes up in conversation anymore because I don’t want a falling out

I struggle to understand. All 3 of us aren't in contact with my dad. That's sad.

This

@Basket20 You are so right. My Dad did so many wonderful things for us (only because he wanted to do them) but behind closed doors was vile and extremely manipulative. I’m sure from the outside looking in me and my sibling are awful ungrateful people who turned their backs on a man who gave them an amazing childhood. And if someone asked me why it happened I wouldn’t want to tell them the whole story out of social niceties. Plus before I went NC I had a bit of an issue with party drugs and not eating so I looked a state. As soon as I went NC I could work on myself and am the other side of that thank goodness.

No, you misunderstand. He doesn't oppose his wife because he's scared of leaving his teen daughter alone in her care and he (quite rightly in my opinion) judges that his wife is capable of making contact very difficult if he leaves. I don't know if he'll leave when his daughter's grown up (3 years to go) because they've been married and awfully long time, but we hope he'll start seeing his mum again.

Yanbu. My friend started dating a lady who abandoned her child and doesn't see him (he's 8). I can't help but judge her and think wtf. No violence in her past relationship. She just fell for my friend and left.

I think you have to be close to the situation to be able to judge.
We have a family member (well two) where the dad is NC with the daughter. Or rather the daught is NC with him. It's a very sad situation and the dad is devastated by it. He isn't abusive or anything like that, but we can all see how it's occurred. It's more a series of unfortunate events, two people who are really similar in personality (which means they both respond to difficult situations in the same way, and niether can compromise or see the others point of view). We've all learnt to stay out of it but I hope one day they might be able to reconcile. It's not that the dad is innocent, far from it, but the daughter also shoulders her share of the blame. The dad however, as much as he hates it, has accepted her wish for NC because he believes as the dad the fault ultimately rests with him and he should respect her wishes.

I do if it's all the children but not just one.

My cousins son is no contact with her apart from the occasional text and she's a lovely mum and nan. Has 3 other children and 4 other grandchildren.

His wife is the instigator of the no contact.

I find a good rule of thumb when considering other people's family dramas is 'trust no one'.

Everyone thinks they're right. Who am I to judge?

Well exactly.

exactly this.

my oh has a real life, solid gold toxic ex. He has direct contact now with his dc, the ex is blocked on everything except email, and 9 times out of 10 he ignores anything she sends and just liaises with his dc. when everything went through the ex it was practically impossible.

my own dc hasn’t seen their DFather for something like 8 years. They have sporadic phone contact now, but father of the year went 5 years with practically no contact or support and then didn’t want to see dc when driving through a he area where we live

my own family are a shit show and I’ve gone LC/NC with them. I know dm wails about how sad she is I don’t have anything to do with her, but she is the one who engineered the break. She is the one who went above and beyond to hurt me. At every possible point she could.

You never know what goes on behind the scenes. Sometimes there are some really shitty people we have to push out of our lives.

I wouldn't judge your mom going no contact. But I do kinda judge the friend. I understand that he is in an abusive relationship and it comes across as victim blaming (which I guess it kinda is) but I can't really muster sympathy for a man who cuts out their child just to please his wife.

@Porcupineintherough ah sorry I misread it as a friend of hers not seeing his son because his wife forbids it. That makes more sense!

My ex-h decided to give up contact with our then 9 yo DS because his girlfriend OW couldn't bear the fact we had a child. They then relocated 750 miles away to Scotland so they can happily pretend DS doesn't exist.

They are both utter cunts for the damage they've done to my child. Unforgivable. Of course I'm the "crazy toxic ex". That suits their narrative perfectly.

Actual children that a parent doesn't see then damn right I judge them.

It is the biggest red flag. Often abusive men claim they are prevented from seeing their kids by their evil ex/legal costs/corrupt family court system etc... but in reality they are a deadbeat.

There is literally no excuse for abandoning your children. You can self represent in court and often costs nothing, there is a legal presumption of contact with both parents. It's all just bullshit excuses they spout for scarring their kids for life.

I feel that the reasond for adults going NC can be many and varied. Some of them might seem reasonable to me, others perhaps not, but either way, no one has to share that information. Essentially, it is none of my business and I need to use other information to make up my mind about that person.

Adults who abandon actual children, I try not to judge, as often it is due to mental health issues which I do understand, but I cannot help but judge when the person is just an asshole.

I once had a date with a guy who told me he had children, but I shouldn't worry, as he had nothing to do with them. Weirdly enough, that was the only date.

Mine actually asked the court to overturn the order to facilitate with his abandonment. You couldn't make it up. You can guarantee that girlfriend's son and family have been told that I have stopped contact.

I completely agree @JudgingNC I think - and this is just my opinion, that if a parent and a child/adult child have a falling out, surely in most cases it's up to the parent, (the person who should be the more mature adult,) to try and sort it out, not the child. Whether the child in their late teens or 20s or 30s or whatever. I think the parent should be responsible for sorting it out. And yes, I seriously judge any person who has no contact with their child or children. What kind of person DOES that? You would have to be very cold hearted.

I know a woman who has an adult child in her mid to late 30s. (This woman is in her late 50s.) She's had nothing to do with her daughter since she (her daughter) was 16 years old. She lived with her nan since she was 7. So for some reason she wasn't able/couldn't be arsed to look after her.

I think she was twenty when she was born, and the baby was unplanned and with a man she had been with for only a few months, so she was left as a single mum, and her nan took the child on when the child was 7. And as time went on, she (the woman) moved away and didn't visit often and said she felt nothing towards her daughter.... Not like she felt for her son who she had when the daughter was 10, who she seems to worship! For goodness sake, this woman is in her late 50s now, she's had plenty of time to make contact/make amends. Yet she doesn't care, and tells everyone she only has a son..

Also, I work with a woman, (around 63,) who retires in a couple of years. She has two sons who are both in their 30s and 40s. She fell out with one in 2012 (and his wife,) and then fell out with the other about two or three years later (and his wife.) Never spoken since ... It's all their fault, of course, not hers. So she has nothing to do with them all.

She has never met 2 of her four grandchildren and doesn't have anything to do with the other two anymore. She doesn't see them, doesn't know them. She also fell out with her sister in 2007, and apparently that was her fault as well. She's also fell out with her best friend from childhood about 12 years ago. Her best friend's fault as well. I see a running theme here .. It is definitely her. and I really seriously judge this woman...(and the one above...). I mean, what kind of person doesn't want anything to do with their own children? Awful!

@Whatafustercluck makes the key point I think - it really depends on the attitude of the parent to the fact that their DC are NC. BIL's DC are LC with him. OP's internal red flags would go off because he thinks it's entirely up to them, nothing to do with him and he has never acknowledged how his behaviour when they were teenagers was a problem.