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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another escort one...

35 replies

Assert150 · 20/09/2022 01:43

AIBU to want my exe’s GF to know about his “habit” with escorts...

OP posts:
DramaAlpaca · 20/09/2022 01:48

Leave it. He's your ex and it sounds like you're well rid of him, but he's not your problem anymore.

She probably won't believe you and will find out for herself before long.

HighlandPony · 20/09/2022 03:23

You will only come across as the bunny boiler. Just leave it. He’s not your problem anymore

Original poster
Assert150 · 01/10/2022 01:05

We have a child together though and he’s pushing to have them meet...Concerned re future “family” events where he’ll want her there and not sure I can go along with the farce. I feel I’m shouldering his shame while he carries on playing Mr Nice Guy with her and his family, to whom he’s no doubt painted me as being the cause of our separation.
How do I get over these feelings when no one else knows?

OP posts:
ChagSameachDoreen · 01/10/2022 01:11

Widen your circle and have a richer life that will bring you out of the orbit of these people. It sounds like an episode of Jeremy Kyle.

HighlandPony · 01/10/2022 01:18

Telling your friends is one thing. Vent and get it out to them. As for her I’d only say if she asks or correct her if she says something else if he’s told her something else but I wouldn’t bring it up first.

Even if you do tell her it could end up coming back on you. He could explain it to her like your relationship was basically over anyway or you wouldn’t touch him so he went elsewhere or he could just paint you to be some batshit fantasist making stuff up to sabotage his new relationship out of jealousy (I’m not saying that’s what happened I’m saying that’s how he could play it) and she will more likely believe him over you.

Why do you feel like you’re shouldering his shame? Did you cheat? Did you bed an escort? No. (At least I’m assuming that’s a no) so let it go. You didn’t do it so why do you feel this shame? It’s not yours. You’re a grown woman who probably has done daft things of her own to be ashamed of - or at least abashed so stop heaping his onto your own. Move on on your own accord and do what you want to do. Find what makes you happy. You’ve got every right to be upset but the shame isn’t yours. Try to think of it as “thank fuck that’s over, so what’s next?”

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/10/2022 01:21

I feel I’m shouldering his shame while he carries on playing Mr Nice Guy with her and his family

Why shame? You broke up, most people do. It's not shameful.

Noiamnotshe · 01/10/2022 01:21

Tell her I would want to know but really she might know already

Original poster
Assert150 · 01/10/2022 01:30

The shame of having been married to a man like this I suppose...He carries on as if he’s done nothing wrong.

OP posts:
Trollcity · 01/10/2022 01:30

I don't see the connection between his use of escorts and his new GF meeting your DC or him taking DC to family events?

Are you saying you are wanting to tell all his future GF's and use this as a reason to stop him seeing his DC or introducing them to partners?

If you want to tell his GF because you don't want her to get hurt and/or catch a nasty STD, then sure, reach out but don't be using it as excuse to stop contact with DC unless he's a neglectful, abusive father. In which case, you get a solicitor and stop or limit contact through the courts

Original poster
Assert150 · 01/10/2022 01:33

HighlandPony · 01/10/2022 01:18

Telling your friends is one thing. Vent and get it out to them. As for her I’d only say if she asks or correct her if she says something else if he’s told her something else but I wouldn’t bring it up first.

Even if you do tell her it could end up coming back on you. He could explain it to her like your relationship was basically over anyway or you wouldn’t touch him so he went elsewhere or he could just paint you to be some batshit fantasist making stuff up to sabotage his new relationship out of jealousy (I’m not saying that’s what happened I’m saying that’s how he could play it) and she will more likely believe him over you.

Why do you feel like you’re shouldering his shame? Did you cheat? Did you bed an escort? No. (At least I’m assuming that’s a no) so let it go. You didn’t do it so why do you feel this shame? It’s not yours. You’re a grown woman who probably has done daft things of her own to be ashamed of - or at least abashed so stop heaping his onto your own. Move on on your own accord and do what you want to do. Find what makes you happy. You’ve got every right to be upset but the shame isn’t yours. Try to think of it as “thank fuck that’s over, so what’s next?”

This was something he’d done from the very start of our relationship so I could definitely dispute the “relationship was over” excuse...I just wish someone had told me back then...I’d have run a mile.

OP posts:
Original poster
Assert150 · 01/10/2022 01:36

Trollcity · 01/10/2022 01:30

I don't see the connection between his use of escorts and his new GF meeting your DC or him taking DC to family events?

Are you saying you are wanting to tell all his future GF's and use this as a reason to stop him seeing his DC or introducing them to partners?

If you want to tell his GF because you don't want her to get hurt and/or catch a nasty STD, then sure, reach out but don't be using it as excuse to stop contact with DC unless he's a neglectful, abusive father. In which case, you get a solicitor and stop or limit contact through the courts

I don’t want to have to meet her and pretend that I don’t know what I know.

OP posts:
Aussiegirl88 · 01/10/2022 02:23

But you dont know if he will do it again!

Chloefairydust · 01/10/2022 02:34

I would just focus on moving on with your life. She is unlikely to listen or believe her boyfriends ex. It might just come across as malicious and look like your trying to stir up drama. If he hasn’t changed his ways she will find out anyway.

But well done on getting this guy out of your life, and I wish you all the best OP!

Trollcity · 01/10/2022 03:05

Assert150 · Today 01:36

Trollcity · Today 01:30

I don't see the connection between his use of escorts and his new GF meeting your DC or him taking DC to family events?

Are you saying you are wanting to tell all his future GF's and use this as a reason to stop him seeing his DC or introducing them to partners?

If you want to tell his GF because you don't want her to get hurt and/or catch a nasty STD, then sure, reach out but don't be using it as excuse to stop contact with DC unless he's a neglectful, abusive father. In which case, you get a solicitor and stop or limit contact through the courts

I don’t want to have to meet her and pretend that I don’t know what I know.

Who says you have to meet the GF?
Again, whats the connection to DC meeting GF or whether GF meets his family?
If you don't want ex introducing DC to new partners then you'll have to do this legally and have a good reason for it. I'm not saying you don't have good reason, but can you prove it sufficiently that a judge will order no contact with ex and/or all future partners?
Remember, it's not about who you are comfortable meeting or being around, it's about his right to access and his rights to have a partner now or in the future.
So you tell this GF about the escorts and you successfully split them up (I'm assuming this is your goal, otherwise what would be the point in telling her?), and then you are going to do same with each successive GF he has until when?
I get that you feel humiliated and want to get some kind of revenge but the only people you're going to hurt is yourself and possibly your DC, who are probably going to find out about dad's behaviour the more people you tell. Then what? The whole neighbourhood knows, then the whole school knows, all DC's friends know...

WalkthisWayUK · 01/10/2022 03:15

I do think relationships are serious things, and that covering up big secrets like infidelity or escorts by not telling a new relationship is morally irresponsible. I would want to know.

However I don’t know if I’d tell a new GF, but I might if it was appropriate, make myself ‘available’ to her if she needed it.

HighlandPony · 01/10/2022 03:20

WalkthisWayUK · 01/10/2022 03:15

I do think relationships are serious things, and that covering up big secrets like infidelity or escorts by not telling a new relationship is morally irresponsible. I would want to know.

However I don’t know if I’d tell a new GF, but I might if it was appropriate, make myself ‘available’ to her if she needed it.

Would you take it though? I can’t imagine myself or anyone I know even bothering to take it seriously. If I was seeing someone and the ex approached me and said “he cheated on me with escorts” I’d probably file her away under bunny boiler. OP said she can’t believe she was with a man like that so it’s likely the new lass won’t see him that way either.

stormywhethers321 · 01/10/2022 04:18

There's no point.

He's a sleaze, but unless you plan on contacting every partner he'll ever have in the future with this information, it's best to let it go. As pp have said, it'll be easy to write it off as a you problem. It's also possible she already knows or will go to him with questions, and then he'll know you tried to put her off which will put more pressure on your co-parenting.

He's not your problem now.

thesnailandthewhale · 01/10/2022 05:28

Not worth it - she could even have been an escort and that's how they met, who knows?! You also don't know her views on it, you are projecting your views on using escorts onto her, while lots of women would see it as a dealbreaker she may be in the group that isn't bothered about it.

TwoWrightFeet · 01/10/2022 06:17

According to another there’d on MN the passed is in the past and future partners have no right to know about previous sex workers 🤷‍♀️

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/10/2022 15:42

TwoWrightFeet · 01/10/2022 06:17

According to another there’d on MN the passed is in the past and future partners have no right to know about previous sex workers 🤷‍♀️

That's completely different. One thread is about someone who worked as a sex worker. The other is about a liar and cheat who uses sex workers (something I believe is rape). VERY different.

MarigoldMoonStone · 01/10/2022 15:46

I don’t think you should pretend He didn’t do, but I wouldn’t bring it up unless the conversation went that way

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 01/10/2022 15:48

I put YABU but only because I’m not sure this will help you I anyway. I’m sure you’ll come across as the unreasonable lying ex and that will cause you more harm and upset.

LemonDrop22 · 01/10/2022 15:49

Aussiegirl88 · 01/10/2022 02:23

But you dont know if he will do it again!

Once a punter, always a punter.

LemonDrop22 · 01/10/2022 15:51

So you tell this GF about the escorts and you successfully split them up (I'm assuming this is your goal, otherwise what would be the point in telling her?), and then you are going to do same with each successive GF he has until when?
I get that you feel humiliated and want to get some kind of revenge

Wow you read a different thread from me.

Amazing how that happens on here.

Op doesn't come across as anything you've said, not do her intentions.

LemonDrop22 · 01/10/2022 15:52

*nor do her intentions