AIBU?
For not wanting to drive to my mother's so she can see my baby?
Exhaustedmum99 · 19/09/2022 22:34
We live in the UK (I feel this is important as a long drive in the UK is different to a long drive in Australia for example)
My mother moved away when I was 18. About 2 hours away. Then moved a further 2 hours away when I was 26. I used to visit when I could.
Now I have a child (her first grandchild) and I dont want to drive all that way with my child in the car. She's 8 months old and I still don't want to do it. My mum says I could stop half way to get my child out etc. Yes I could. But I dont want to drive that far on my own with my child. Then there's all the crap I've got to take with me for an overnight/weekend stay there.
My mother does work part time so she does have more than just her weekends free so she can visit us. She has visited a few times since my child was born but she complains to my Aunty that she is missing out.
She lives somewhere that is quite remote with sod all to do there too.
She can't stand her partner who she lives with and I dont want to go there and pretend like everything is okay with them when I know it isn't.
AIBU for not driving to see her?
Am I being unreasonable?
AIBUYou have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
Cheshiresun · 19/09/2022 22:38
Can't you both do a bit of driving and meet in the middle at a restaurant or whatever for lunch/dinner. That would be fair.
WheresMrMonkey · 19/09/2022 22:41
Not at all!! If she made you happy to be around and it was something to enjoy not endure then you'd do it. The drive and pack up would be worth a visit. The fact that for you the drive isn't worth it says it all
Exhaustedmum99 · 19/09/2022 22:41
Cheshiresun · 19/09/2022 22:38
Can't you both do a bit of driving and meet in the middle at a restaurant or whatever for lunch/dinner. That would be fair.
I should have added this to my original post but not sure how to edit now.
I have other family who live in the middle (the 2 hour location she originally moved back to when I was 18).
I have driven there a number of times but she often seems a bit put out that other family members are spending time with my baby and not just her
GreenTeaPingPong · 19/09/2022 22:43
It was her choice to move 4 hours away. You reap what you sow.
She sounds somewhat self-centred.
Invite her to yours, but don't drive there if it feels too much.
Cw112 · 19/09/2022 22:45
I can see both sides, it's a mare travelling with a young baby but equally I'm not sure it's fair to expect her to do all the traveling either. Is she in good health and able to drive/ travel easily? I think if you can arrange to meet family 2 hrs away regularly you could be arranging to meet her when you're there so I can see why that might upset her. Alternatively could you have her to stay with you for longer periods every now and again so while she doesn't see you and baby regularly she gets lots of quality time when she does? Maybe suggest she moves closer to you if she's not happy where she is now?
NotJustAnybody · 19/09/2022 22:45
She moved away so it's up to her to make more of an effort to visit you. You don't mention if it would be you and a partner driving there but if it's just you, then absolutely no way.
NoSquirrels · 19/09/2022 22:46
Tell her to visit you more often. Tell her staying at her place with her partner is uncomfortable because their relationship is strained.
If it was just that you didn’t want to drive 4 hours to go for a visit sometimes I’d be more inclined to think you’re unreasonable. You can indeed stop halfway!
But if it’s more than just not wanting to drive - if the issue with her partner is that bad, you should be honest.
ImAvingOops · 19/09/2022 22:49
Driving 4 hours with a baby in the car is hard. She moved and she's the one who wants to see the baby more, so the onus is on her to do the visiting!
Carproblem · 19/09/2022 22:51
Why can't she visit you? That's bizarre.
When I had a baby my dad was 4 hours away and literally insisted on driving up immediately to meet the baby, despite us having no space etc.
That to me is a normal grandparent response.
Cheshiresun · 19/09/2022 22:52
Usually a new baby in the family can spurn family on to make more visits to you/baby. I know of some grandmas who, on becoming a GP, decided to use the car more and visit.
Not sure I'd go out my way to travel a number of hours, my reasons are as I'm alone and dislike driving, so my family probably don't see my children as often as they could.
Depends what you're comfortable with, if it's a worry and you don't feel comfortable, then no, you're not being unreasonable or she could compromise in meeting you at the families you say are at half way point.
PooWoo · 19/09/2022 22:55
To be honest if it was my mum I would do the drive but it obviously depends on the kind of relationship you have. At 8 months I think 4h is doable but probably not a lot of fun. You'd have to stop at least once and if your baby is anything like mine and hates his car seat he'll spend a lot of the time crying. Even then for my mum I'd do it, I think. There's a lot of other things I don't do for my mum though that others or you might so I'm not saying you are wrong but just that unless there's a big back story I think asking you to drive down to her once in a while isn't too much to ask
Exhaustedmum99 · 19/09/2022 22:56
Cw112 · 19/09/2022 22:45
I can see both sides, it's a mare travelling with a young baby but equally I'm not sure it's fair to expect her to do all the traveling either. Is she in good health and able to drive/ travel easily? I think if you can arrange to meet family 2 hrs away regularly you could be arranging to meet her when you're there so I can see why that might upset her. Alternatively could you have her to stay with you for longer periods every now and again so while she doesn't see you and baby regularly she gets lots of quality time when she does? Maybe suggest she moves closer to you if she's not happy where she is now?
She is in good health and can drive, and I always invite her in advance if I'm going to see other family. She just doesn't always come or seems put out that she has to share that time with others
She recently decided she was leaving him and coming to live near me but that hasnt and will never materialise.
Exhaustedmum99 · 19/09/2022 22:59
Carproblem · 19/09/2022 22:51
Why can't she visit you? That's bizarre.
When I had a baby my dad was 4 hours away and literally insisted on driving up immediately to meet the baby, despite us having no space etc.
That to me is a normal grandparent response.
I'll quote her first words when I told her I was 4 weeks pregnant .
"Don't get too excited you could have a miscarriage "
Yes I'm aware of the possibility of miscarriage mother. But a congratulations would have been just fine and would have been the normal grandparent response
CornishTiger · 19/09/2022 23:02
She sounds like the kind of mother who is best 4 hrs away. Toxic.
Do what works for you. She isn’t making the effort.
Arou · 19/09/2022 23:04
Nah I wouldn’t. The onus is on the person without a baby and the one who moved. Four hour round trip with a baby is unreasonable regular expectation imo. I think most people would feel the same. Also she’s the one who feels left out - clearly not enough to do something about it? I’d just say well you know where I am it’s not feasible for me with a young baby if you want to meet we can meet halfway at relatives.
Somethingneedstochange · 19/09/2022 23:10
She's said her mother has visited her a number of times. It's not that the grandmother has never seen the baby. She has but the OP just doesn't want to make the effort to take her child to visit her grandmother.
StrawBeretMoose · 19/09/2022 23:11
YANBU
Apart from the fact that your mum moved away, it doesn't sound like you would enjoy the visit, so don't spend your precious time going there.
I moved away and usually travelled to see family but when I had a baby people put themselves out and visited me. I did visit them too sometimes but I remember a trip that was usually 4.5 - 5 hours took 7 on the outward journey and 10 on the return, I was absolutely shattered.
The only consolation was that it had been delightful to see them, if it had been a chore of a visit then I wouldn't have gone.
Stopthebusplease · 19/09/2022 23:11
It does seem like you and your Mum aren't particularly close OP, so I'd probably tell her that you're happy to drive the 2 hours to the other family members, but need to meet up there, as it's just too hard with a little one to do a 4 hour trip. Would it be possible for you to stay with the other family members over a weekend, maybe arriving Friday evening, so that maybe you and your Mum could have some time with little one, taking her to the park or something, so that they have some uninterrupted time to get to know one another? Maybe if you care more about her than you've led me to believe, you could encourage her to leave her partner, tell her how much you would love her to move back and be more involved with you and your child, which she clearly can't do where she lives right now. Perhaps if she felt needed, it would be the push she needs to make the move. Just my thoughts as a Grandma, obviously only you know what sort of relationship you have, and whether you feel she's worth making the effort for.
Exhaustedmum99 · 19/09/2022 23:20
Stopthebusplease · 19/09/2022 23:11
It does seem like you and your Mum aren't particularly close OP, so I'd probably tell her that you're happy to drive the 2 hours to the other family members, but need to meet up there, as it's just too hard with a little one to do a 4 hour trip. Would it be possible for you to stay with the other family members over a weekend, maybe arriving Friday evening, so that maybe you and your Mum could have some time with little one, taking her to the park or something, so that they have some uninterrupted time to get to know one another? Maybe if you care more about her than you've led me to believe, you could encourage her to leave her partner, tell her how much you would love her to move back and be more involved with you and your child, which she clearly can't do where she lives right now. Perhaps if she felt needed, it would be the push she needs to make the move. Just my thoughts as a Grandma, obviously only you know what sort of relationship you have, and whether you feel she's worth making the effort for.
The first part is a good idea and something I can definitely suggest
But regarding encouraging her to leave etc and feel needed. I've listened to her cry every day on the phone for weeks saying she hates him. She's leaving etc. Shes done this on and off for the past few years, saying shes leaving and coming to live near me.
I've said we would love having you close by so we could see you more. I've offered to go look at houses for her near me once she gets hers on the market. But she won't leave. Shes all talk. She likes where she lives too much. Which then makes me more frustrated that she complains she's missing out on her grandchild, when she could solve both that problem and her crappy relationship by moving back here. I know I sound awful, but there's only so many times I can listen to her complain but then be unprepared to do anything about it
Dinomummy2 · 19/09/2022 23:31
You are the mother now, a 4 hour trip is not in the best interests of your baby. Why is this person putting their own dislike of traveling above the best interests of your child and indeed her own child. Be the great mother you never had and stay at home.
It's hard because when you become a mother yourself, you so want that loving maternal connection with your own mum. You relive the pain of having a dysfunctional mother all over again.
That was my experience and my words are what I wished someone had told me when DC was born.
Exhaustedmum99 · 20/09/2022 02:53
Dinomummy2 · 19/09/2022 23:31
You are the mother now, a 4 hour trip is not in the best interests of your baby. Why is this person putting their own dislike of traveling above the best interests of your child and indeed her own child. Be the great mother you never had and stay at home.
It's hard because when you become a mother yourself, you so want that loving maternal connection with your own mum. You relive the pain of having a dysfunctional mother all over again.
That was my experience and my words are what I wished someone had told me when DC was born.
Thank you. I completely agree with you! Im sorry you had that experience though
Cancersurvivor · 20/09/2022 06:33
Your mum should stop being silly, remember if she really wanted to see her grandchild that much, she would make a bigger effort. All my grandchildren, live miles away from me, and all my sons work as do there wife’s. I make a massive effort to go and see them as I understand there circumstances “ They all work to pay there mortgages. I absolutely love visiting them. I have 5 grandchildren.
QuebecBagnet · 20/09/2022 06:57
It sounds like you don’t want to see her, which is fair enough.
however a 2 hr journey is perfectly do’able. MIL is 2 hours away, she doesn’t drive long distances so we have always gone to see her. First time when Dd was ten days old. We go there and back in a day. Yes it’s tiring, yes we only do it a handful of times a year but we do do it.
but your mum doesn’t sound very nice so I can see why you don’t want to.
Darbs76 · 20/09/2022 06:58
I’ve always drove 250 miles to see my parents, for 20 odd years. Not easy with a baby but do-able. But she can come to you too
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