For not wanting to drive to my mother's so she can see my baby?

[Exhaustedmum99]

We live in the UK (I feel this is important as a long drive in the UK is different to a long drive in Australia for example)

My mother moved away when I was 18. About 2 hours away. Then moved a further 2 hours away when I was 26. I used to visit when I could.

Now I have a child (her first grandchild) and I dont want to drive all that way with my child in the car. She's 8 months old and I still don't want to do it. My mum says I could stop half way to get my child out etc. Yes I could. But I dont want to drive that far on my own with my child. Then there's all the crap I've got to take with me for an overnight/weekend stay there.

My mother does work part time so she does have more than just her weekends free so she can visit us. She has visited a few times since my child was born but she complains to my Aunty that she is missing out.

She lives somewhere that is quite remote with sod all to do there too.

She can't stand her partner who she lives with and I dont want to go there and pretend like everything is okay with them when I know it isn't.

AIBU for not driving to see her?

YANBU - and you sound incredibly patient.

Having a baby is tiring and stressful and you really shouldn’t have to add to that with long drives or weird aggro domestic setups.

Absolutely prioritise your baby, then yourself. It’s not selfish - it’s the only sensible way to organise your time. Then start putting the phone down on your mum. This scenario really sounds like it is interfering with you enjoying your young family life. Don’t let it.

I think she should do the visiting more, but I don't see why you can't do the trip once or twice a year. We visit aunties and so on in this way. Plan to stop at relatives on the way maybe to break it up properly if you need to.

My parents live 6 hours away and my in-laws live abroad - we've always visited them, even when the children were tiny. As your mum has made the effort to visit you several times I do think you should also make an effort to see her - even if it's only once or twice a year. To say you'll never go doesn't seem fair or kind to me.

’im sorry mum, Im not doing an 8 hour round trip with a baby. It’s not fair. You know you are welcome here anytime.’

I'm not understanding the "She's the one who moved away" argument. Do you all still live in your hometowns?
I moved away for uni, then further for work. When I had my first DC we were 7 hours (one way) away from my mum. No one's fault or obligation, just the way life goes. We travelled up about once a year; DPs came down to see us more often.

It's hard to do long trips with a small child, but I think OP should make the effort occasionally. Certainly, her mum should do the majority of the visiting ATM, and also be prepared to meet her half way.

I've strong feelings about infants and babies being stuck in car seats for hours on end. When needs must, has to be done. This scenario sounds non-essential. I'd just let her know she's welcome to come and stay. And that you'll make more trips to her when your child is older assuming she is able to cope with such a long journey.

I’ve never come across anyone who doesn’t ever travel to visit their parents or in-laws because they have an 8nonth old!
I think a lot of posters are missing that your mum doesn’t visit you and jumping on her unnecessarily. She has visited you several times, this issue is you have never made the journey to her and don’t plan to.
Really the problem is the relationship with your mother, not the drive. It’s not an insanely undoable journey, you just don’t really want to visit her which is your decision at the end of the day.

I also don’t understand the comments about moving away. It is like she should be damned to all eternity because she dared to move away from the hometown. She has made the effort, it is usual for family to take turns visiting, not necessarily literally taking it in turns, but both making the effort at some point and it sounds like she has done it several times.

It's not the journey, it's the relationship.

OP hasn't said they have a bad relationship. Only that her DMs relationship with her partner is awful.
The problems she listed were the drive, packing things for the stay, and the remote location.

I don’t blame you & I wouldn’t do it either. My MIL has never made any effort to visit us or DS1, and when DS2 arrives next month I’ve said I’m not travelling to see her (2 hour drive, DH doesn’t drive so it’s always all on me). I think meeting halfway is reasonable or her coming to you, you aren’t denying her the opportunity to see her grandchild, you’re just not being the one doing all the legwork.

The priority is not the OP’s mum, tho. It’s the baby and then OP. If OP doesn’t want to do it then she doesn’t have to.

The only reason this would be different is if the grandparent was inform or something similar. But here the grandparent is not only fine, but she is expecting the OP to come to a house with a horrible co-resident.

Just say no, OP. Enjoy stress free time at home.

I get how you feel op. My inlaws are moving 4 hours away next month and they keep asking when we're going to see them when they move. We've got a 1yo, and 3yo with special needs. Car journeys are a challenge so I'm not in any rush to commit to going.

I think if things were good when you were there then I might make the journey once or twice a year, but when it's a bad atmosphere between her and her partner I'm not so sure. Especially without another adult to support you.

She shouldn’t have to do all the traveling. That distance doesn’t really lend itself to frequent visits though, possibly only a couple of times a year. I would also expect her to do the travel when the baby is very young. So really, at 8 months, I don’t even see how a trip to her has become an issue yet.

How is this scenario similar to the OP's, whose mother has and does come to visit her?

The problems people list are not always the real problems. I would happily get on a flight to see my mum with my baby/toddler, as I was so keen to visit her. The inconveniences didn't matter next to that. OP finds the location boring and does not like the tense relationship with the partner - well those are not appealing things. So the issue of the distance really isn't the main problem.