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AIBU?

Family holiday

40 replies

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 19/09/2022 22:27

Looking for your thoughts on this.
Just back from a family holiday abroad, DH's family, middle aged to older relatives to give a bit of context. One of the several issues was stray cats around the villa. I actually have a visceral reaction to cats (hairs on the back of my neck standing up and goosebumps) so I politely asked the cat lovers in the party not to encourage them. Anyway, cat lovers ignore my request and leave out food and water for the cats but on the periphery of the property so I don't say anything. However, one night one of the party actively encouraged 2 cats up onto the patio where we are all sitting. After a couple of wines I brought it up with the culprit and she just shrugged her shoulders and 'gave a what am I like' smile. I'm afraid this tipped me over the edge and I was overly aggressive and told her she was bloody disrespectful. This caused her to cry and go off to bed. After a couple of minutes I went after her, apologised for being aggressive and she tearfully said she wouldn't do it again.
Now for the problem - her brother started being very arsey with me shouted in my face and my husband is saying it's all my fault!! I regret saying anything but really feel my DH should actually back me as I would if it was the other way round. We are now not speaking - am I being unreasonable? This is not about the way you feel about cats but about respecting other people's phobias and polite requests

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Am I being unreasonable?

218 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
84%
You are NOT being unreasonable
16%
Keeva2017 · 19/09/2022 22:31

I am NOT a cat lover but who made you lord almighty of the holiday to the point you aggressively shout at people who don’t do as they are told?

You hate cats, she loves cats. Why do you think you should get your way?

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tobedtoMN · 19/09/2022 22:36

Your first mistake is in your second sentence. Going on holiday with extended family is a recipe for disaster IMO.

Second problem is your DH doesn't have your back.

They weren't kind to not respect your request but you let yourself down with your behaviour, as did the male relative. See point one.

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Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 19/09/2022 23:00

Keeva2017 · 19/09/2022 22:31

I am NOT a cat lover but who made you lord almighty of the holiday to the point you aggressively shout at people who don’t do as they are told?

You hate cats, she loves cats. Why do you think you should get your way?

I didn't aggressively tell them to not encourage the cats. They gave them food but I didn't say anything until they enticed them onto the patio where we were all sitting.

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Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 19/09/2022 23:01

tobedtoMN · 19/09/2022 22:36

Your first mistake is in your second sentence. Going on holiday with extended family is a recipe for disaster IMO.

Second problem is your DH doesn't have your back.

They weren't kind to not respect your request but you let yourself down with your behaviour, as did the male relative. See point one.

Have to totally agree with you

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5foot5 · 19/09/2022 23:12

I have some sympathy with you as I have a phobia too. It isn't cats with me (actually I like cats but wouldn't encourage strays in case they have fleas or something) it's butterflies and moths actually. But if I was in a situation where someone was deliberately encouraging large moths in to a space where I was sitting then I couldn't just ignore it and relax.

However I am sure I wouldn't handle it by bring aggressive. I think it would be more effective to hastily excuse myself and say I am afraid you will have to do without me because, as you know, I can't bear moths. A PA approach if you like but basically make the culprit look and feel bad for deliberately making the space unbearable for you.

I think you lost the moral high ground, which is a shame because they were the ones who were initially inconsiderate

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Milesty1 · 19/09/2022 23:17

Yep I think you should have said ‘really sorry I just can’t stay where there are cats’ and then they would have been in the wrong to force you to leave. Dh should have your back.

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Cw112 · 19/09/2022 23:19

I'm a cat lover but I wouldn't have encouraged a cat to come around someone I know is uncomfortable with them. That being said- you've admitted yourself your reaction was over the top and aggressive- lots of other ways you for have handled the situation. And yet you want dh to tell you that was fine? I wouldn't expect my dh to tell me I'm in the right when I'm not, nor would I do the same to him. I might move conversation on or try to mediate the conversation but I wouldn't be agreeing with behaviour I don't think is fair or appropriate. So while i understand why you were bothered in the first place, in terms of your argument with dh yes, I think you're being unreasonable to expect him to argue with his family because you made a mistake and want him to side with you anyway.

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Cw112 · 19/09/2022 23:22

Keeva2017 · 19/09/2022 22:31

I am NOT a cat lover but who made you lord almighty of the holiday to the point you aggressively shout at people who don’t do as they are told?

You hate cats, she loves cats. Why do you think you should get your way?

I feel like @Keeva2017 might secretly like cats 🤣🤣

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Stompythedinosaur · 19/09/2022 23:26

You dislike cats, they like them, your preference doesn't trump theirs.

You were extremely rude!

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GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/09/2022 23:40

I don’t think you were unreasonable.

If you have a strong phobia of cats they were very wrong to try to attract them.

Your DH should also have your back.

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HeddaGarbled · 20/09/2022 00:02

CBT for the cat phobia. There are lots of cats in the U.K. too. It’ll improve your life no end.

But, agree with PPs, big family holidays, unless you are super in-tune with the family, are not fun. Don’t go again.

Should your H have your back on this occasion? I don’t know. Depends on whether he’s normally on your side but thinks you behaved badly this time, or whether he normally prioritises his family’s needs and feelings over yours.

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Kite22 · 20/09/2022 00:12

The way you reacted put you in the wrong - as you have already admitted yourself.
You should have got up and removed yourself from the situation. Depending on if your phobia lets you speak ...... (you have described that you did) then you could have said "I've got to go in, I can't be around cats. Perhaps you didn't realise how severe my reaction is?" and gone in.

On the 2nd question, if I were being unreasonable in something I did, I wouldn't expect my dh to back me up 'just' because I was married to him, and I wouldn't defend him behaving badly just because I was married to him either.

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yonce · 20/09/2022 00:18

Of course YABU, you were "overly aggressive". Your DH should have your back to a point imo, but not if you're being overly aggressive to anyone (family member or not) - that behaviour doesn't deserve backing from a partner. The fact you waited to bring it up until after a "couple of wines" just makes no sense, you should have asked right away if they could please pop the cat back out to the boundary. Not waited until sloshed to get aggressive.

Don't go on holiday where there's lots of local stray cats if you have a visceral reaction to them. Don't holiday with relatives if you can't keep your aggression in check after a few drinks.

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Keeva2017 · 20/09/2022 04:56

@Cw112 Insinuating I’m a cat lover is the lowest of the low 😂 I’m aggressively telling you to take that back!

Dogs have my heart all day long.

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MsFizz · 20/09/2022 05:20

I don't know. It kind of sounds like no one is really in the right. Your phobia wasn't respected, but you lost your temper. Just a messy situation. I'm not a strong believer that spouses should have each other's backs no matter what, especially if they are in the wrong. But perhaps your DH could have said something along the lines of "please don't speak to her like that". But then again, you were the one who spoke forcefully in the first place and it sounds like the brother was just sticking up for the sister which is as much you are asking from your husband? I don't think you can be too uppity about this one.

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andtheweedonkey · 20/09/2022 05:25

I was overly aggressive and told her she was bloody disrespectful.
then
her brother started being very arsey with me shouted in my face and my husband is saying it's all my fault!!

Your DH is right. Are you normally overly aggressive when you don't get your own way?

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TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 20/09/2022 05:44

But other than that, did you have a nice holiday? 🙂

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Nevertouchakoala · 20/09/2022 06:02

You were aggressive to an elderly person. Yabmu

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BoxOfCats · 20/09/2022 06:04

If you didn't explain exactly why you didn't want cats encouraged, I wonder if the person who did so just thought you were being a bit bossy rather than actually having a phobia?

If someone had told me not to encourage the cats I would have thought they either just aren't very fond of cats, or are concerned that feeding them might bring more cats which could be mildly irritating. So if you then reacted aggressively and told me I was being "bloody disrespectful" then I would be pretty shocked and think you had completely overreacted.

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StClare101 · 20/09/2022 06:13

So the brother shouted in your face because you were verbally aggressive?

And your DH thinks you were in the wrong but not the man who shouted in your face?

Yes you were in the wrong initially but your DH’s relative and your DH (for not speaking up) are also in the wrong.

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Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 20/09/2022 18:53

To clarify, I've known the family for 40 years and they all know I have a fear of cats but obviously their love of cats supercedes my feelings. The main cat lover is younger than me so it wasn't an elderly person.
Quick update, the brother has apologised to me. I won't be commenting on this thread again.

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gogohmm · 20/09/2022 19:03

I haven't got over that you are a grown woman who is scared of cats??? You don't like them, no issue there but shouting at an old lady? No you were out of order

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Goldbar · 20/09/2022 19:20

Couldn't you just have walked away?

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maddy68 · 20/09/2022 19:45

Why are you so agressive? Why should your DH have your back when you are in the wrong ?

He's right to keep our of it.
Just apologize

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Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 20/09/2022 22:33

gogohmm · 20/09/2022 19:03

I haven't got over that you are a grown woman who is scared of cats??? You don't like them, no issue there but shouting at an old lady? No you were out of order

Lol! Don't you know grown people who have a phobia of spiders? By the way I did not shout at an old lady, no idea where you got that from.

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