AIBU?
Family holiday
Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 19/09/2022 22:27
Looking for your thoughts on this.
Just back from a family holiday abroad, DH's family, middle aged to older relatives to give a bit of context. One of the several issues was stray cats around the villa. I actually have a visceral reaction to cats (hairs on the back of my neck standing up and goosebumps) so I politely asked the cat lovers in the party not to encourage them. Anyway, cat lovers ignore my request and leave out food and water for the cats but on the periphery of the property so I don't say anything. However, one night one of the party actively encouraged 2 cats up onto the patio where we are all sitting. After a couple of wines I brought it up with the culprit and she just shrugged her shoulders and 'gave a what am I like' smile. I'm afraid this tipped me over the edge and I was overly aggressive and told her she was bloody disrespectful. This caused her to cry and go off to bed. After a couple of minutes I went after her, apologised for being aggressive and she tearfully said she wouldn't do it again.
Now for the problem - her brother started being very arsey with me shouted in my face and my husband is saying it's all my fault!! I regret saying anything but really feel my DH should actually back me as I would if it was the other way round. We are now not speaking - am I being unreasonable? This is not about the way you feel about cats but about respecting other people's phobias and polite requests
Am I being unreasonable?
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HeddaGarbled · 20/09/2022 22:45
Don't you know grown people who have a phobia of spiders
Nope. I know lots of people who are a little bit anxious, maybe even a little bit scared, and some people (all young women) who make a massive fuss, but I don’t know anyone with a genuine phobia. I’m not saying that phobia doesn’t exist, just sceptical that it’s as common as you imply.
Genuine phobias shouldn’t be just accepted and lived with: they are so life-limiting. And there are treatments.
NotJustAnybody · 20/09/2022 23:09
I have a genuine fear of spiders, I absolutely freak out. I would have screamed and shouted if someone had deliberately put one near me.
I think I'd probably have apologised afterwards if I knew they were genuinely surprised/upset by my reaction. And I'd expect them to apologise in return.
I'd also expect my OH to have my back, he knows me best and could vouch that my reaction was 'normal' for me.
Seems like the brother had his sisters back and your OH should have stepped in and defended you rather than turning on you.
If this is a one off, never go on holiday with them all again. If it's not, then seriously reconsider your relationship with your OH.
ChellyT · 21/09/2022 06:12
This reply has been deleted
Deleted by MNHQ
ChellyT · 21/09/2022 06:13
HeddaGarbled · 20/09/2022 22:45
Don't you know grown people who have a phobia of spiders
Nope. I know lots of people who are a little bit anxious, maybe even a little bit scared, and some people (all young women) who make a massive fuss, but I don’t know anyone with a genuine phobia. I’m not saying that phobia doesn’t exist, just sceptical that it’s as common as you imply.
Genuine phobias shouldn’t be just accepted and lived with: they are so life-limiting. And there are treatments.
Yes life limiting and costly to treat... but carry on!
FangsForTheMemory · 21/09/2022 06:21
Ailurophobia isn’t about disliking cats, it’s about being terrified of them. I love cats but have an insect phobia, I can’t even look at pictures of them. If someone started encouraging large insects over to feed, I’d lose my shit at them too.
10HailMarys · 21/09/2022 10:53
Mumsnet has absolutely no fucking about how phobias work. And apparently neither do your relatives.
It isn't about disliking something or being childish about them or mistakenly believing something is harmful. It's a visceral and inexplicable fear - a mental health condition, basically. Just because a phobia isn't a common one (like spiders or snakes or whatever) that doesn't make it any less serious.
Obviously getting aggressive is not good. But it's also a pretty standard adrenalin response to fear - it's the classic fight-or-flight reaction.
Your relatives were really shitty to encourage cats to come near you and YANBU to be upset.
pantsofshame · 21/09/2022 11:08
With the benefit of hindsight, you should have just left the patio area (and told them why). However, I have a spider phobia and if someone was encouraging big spiders in to the space I was trying to relax in, knowing that I don't like them, I don't think I'd have been too polite about it.
However, I don't think your family will ever see things your way- as far as they are concerned cats are cute and lovely so they will think you are being unreasonable for disagreeing. I have a severe cat allergy and even with the explanation that I can't breathe around cats it's incredible how many otherwise lovely people take offence when I say I can't visit their homes because of their cat (I'm never unpleasant about it, just say we can meet at mine or go to a cafe instead).
HerRoyalNotness · 22/09/2022 01:17
You know I’m teaching my D.C. when they’re doing something and someone says stop then they stop. It’s important for them to learn. If an adult can not follow the same rule especially if I had a phobia then I’d get very pissy too. Exchange cat with spider and someone has them near phobic you, bet you’d be pissed off too.
im with the Op on this one. So frustrating when others can respect your needs.
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