Partner gets grumpy with baby

[Saju1]

Baby is 4 months old.

I have all the patience for my baby, but when my partner looks after her, he always ends up angry, says that our baby doesn't love him, I always hear him shout 'enough!' at her.. etc

I've asked him to stop, but he says that I Molly koddle our baby and that's why I find him being "mean" to our baby.

I think he has issues, he says he doesn't.

AIBU?

Shouting at a baby is abuse as far as I’m concerned. Please don’t leave this unhinged man alone with your child again.

Yes. Definitely translates to ‘me me me’. It’ll get worse.

He’ll probably start complaining that you aren’t interested in him, only the baby. Then complaining about ‘his replacement’ and how you only wanted him for a baby. And so on.

Babies are hard work. And it can be frustrating when you can’t settle them. But shouting ‘enough’ won’t settle them.

Thank you laurenm87

The only solution here is you never leave the baby alone with him. Your baby is at risk. I wouldn’t be living sigh this man if he thinks it’s acceptable to shout at a baby and accuse a baby of not loving him. That’s not acceptable behaviour

Get away from him.

That baby is at huge risk and you know it.

That baby should not be left with him at all.

Call Womens aid for emergency help.

This is not a good man.

He sounds unhinged.

OP, you are risking your baby by staying.

He needs a lot of educating about baby development and needs at this age. If he's willing to learn, and is otherwise reasonable/doesn't have anger issues, speak to your midwife. Be honest and open with her and see what help she can offer.

But in all honesty it doesn't bode well OP. Any adult should know it's not ok to shout at a 4month old. Ever

That’s genuinely frightening. A four month old has absolutely no ability to manipulate and I just can’t imagine a reason for shouting at them. Please speak to your health visitor.

Please please please do NOT leave him with your baby AT ALL. It seems like he resents her massively and hasn’t bonded with her at all & I would be so worried he would shake her or have another gesture that could be fatal or debilitating when upset.

I would 100% leave him, like NOW.

He didn’t want a child and clearly resents having one, your baby deserves to live in a house where she isn’t being abused for being a baby.

I am worried for your baby. Please do not leave them alone together. It is not normal, or in any way ok to shout at a baby. When he does that, he is not in control of himself. A man who is not in control of himself can do terrible damage to a baby in seconds. I would report him to SS, leave and seek to minimise contact unless he engages meaningfully in therapy and anger management classes.

This is not a safe environment for your child and you need to act quickly.

This man did not want children, you barely knew him when you became pregnant and now it is clear that he is not able to deal with this baby.

Protect your child and leave him.

This is such a messed up situation.

I mean, nobody here can tell you whether he's a violent abusive man that's a risk to your child, or whether he's a new dad struggling with adjustment/poor sleep/postnatal depression.

The important thing is: does he realise he has a problem? Is he willing and wanting to change? Or does he think this is normal and acceptable? The latter, I would have to separate, honestly. My stomach churns at the idea of DH being anything other than loving towards our little boy. Even when either of us was getting ratty during the new baby stages we knew enough to put him down safely and gently and walk out of the room to take a breath or find each other for backup. But if he recognises that he is behaving in a way that isn't acceptable and is willing to get help I would consider working on it together if he got professional help.

I too am very worried for your baby.. don't EVER leave her alone with him.. :-(

You barely knew him when you got pregnant and now you do - he's an arsehole and a danger to your baby. Cut your losses and get her away from him.

Your baby is in danger, you staying a moment longer is putting your baby at risk. You didn't really know him when you fell pregnant and now the baby is here that you said he didn't want he's now Showing you the man he is. Get out now this situation WILL NOT IMPROVE.

Encourage him to put the baby down somewhere safe, and walk away from them for a few minutes if he feels his patience wearing thin. He needs to learn to bond with the baby, is he loving towards baby usually or is it just one big hassle all the time?

It's not on to shout at the baby.

But some people do find it harder than others during the newborn stage. My husband struggled during this stage and I remember feeling like he regretted our child. He didn't shout at him mind you, that's not acceptable but he did get fed up and looked miserable a lot of the time when dealing with him.

Whereas he deals with toddler tantrums a lot better than I do now and is absolutely in love with DS at 2. I personally found the newborn stage a lot easier than this whereas he's the total opposite.

I'm just saying that it doesn't mean he will dislike every stage or feel this way about your DC forever.

The shouting at them needs to stop though, it's very tempting to do, I've been tempted before when I'm tired and exhausted and just want them to stop crying and I think any parent who tells you they haven't shouted stop or thought about / been close to doing so at least is fibbing but it shouldn't be happening every time he's alone with her and I can understand why it makes you uncomfortable leaving them alone together which isn't right.

If he is getting frustrated with a 4 month old baby, how is he going to cope with her as a boundary pushing toddler? I'd be requiring parenting classes from him, or leaving.

OP please get yourself and child to safety. More than the shouting it's the justifications he's already giving himself for whatever else he's going to do. It takes a pretty messed up mind to believe a four month old is deliberately manipulating him.

Another echo here for you to please never leave her alone with him. Sounds like you need to get out and he can have supervised contact until she’s older.

OP, it is deeply worrying for anyone to shout at a four-month old baby or to complain that the baby 'doesn't love them'. These are major red flags and this is not normal. I think plenty of parents might get to the end of their tether and say something like 'Oh god, just shut up' or something when they are exhausted and the baby just won't stop. But this is man is shouting and getting angry with the baby every single time he's left alone with her and is annoyed that she 'doesn't love' him.

I'm sorry, but this isn't just a case of a man not knowing how to look after a baby or lacking in patience. It's a man who has genuine antipathy towards his child. I think it's naive to think that 'showing him how to soothe her' or 'teaching him about babies' or 'sending him to a dads' group' is going to fix this. Your baby is not safe with him. He resents her and dislikes her and he frightens her.