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AIBU?

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Original poster

Are my friends being unreasonable?

40 replies

anerki101 · 19/09/2022 20:09

I started university as a mature student last September. I met a nice woman and we became friends (Friend A). A month later I switched course and made two more friends (B & C). I then introduced my first friend to the second two.

I feel like all this is rather petty and should be beneath me but I can't help but feel hurt by it all.

Anyway, we finished for summer back in April and don't return until next Monday. I've suggested a few times since April getting together but nothing has come of it. Someone's always busy, etc.

I once asked Friend B if she would mind giving me a lift to one of our uni events because I live 10 minutes in the opposite direction she said no. Sure, I got it. Bit cheeky of me to ask.

Friend B suffers from depression. She texted me a month or so ago during a particular bad period. I drove straight to her place, spent all day with her, took her some things to cheer her up, then went back every day for three days in a row to help.

We have a welcome back event tomorrow. Friend B is bringing her partner to the event even though it is for students only because he doesn't like her going out on her own. I have told her what I think, not my place you could say, but I couldn't not say anything. She agreed with my concerns but said it was fine.

I was also a bit miffed as I was looking forward to catching up which isn't doable with a partner in tow.

Anyway, I suggested to Friend A and C getting a travel lodge for the night to split between us so we could have a few drinks and not worry about getting home safely. I didn't know that Friend A had moved a walkable distance to the event so didnt actually need to do this but she didnt say and agree anyway??

Well, my DH put his foot down. Said we didn't have the money to spare and he would rather I stay out all night anyway so I let my friends know, apologised and we didnt book.

In the mean time, Friend B has cancelled, informed Friend C but didn't bother to tell me. I found out from Friend A.

Does this all seem ridiculous?

Friend A then told me she had invited Friend C to stay for the night as she now lives close to the event. I didn't get invited. I also found out Friend A and C have been getting together over summer and going out places via Instagram.

I know this all seems petty but all of it combined just makes me feel excluded, under valued and like they don't actually like me.

I feel like I couldn't have tried harder. Helped out friend with depression, suggesting get togethers, etc. But none of them reciprocate.

Aibu to think my friends aren't my friends?

OP posts:
Glamorgans · 19/09/2022 20:28

It does sound as though they don't want to make the effort in being your friend, sadly.

Friend A moved and you didn't even know, friend B refused a favour and didn't tell you they'd cancelled the meet up and I'm guessing you're not in contact with friend C much?

It's horrible feeling excluded. I'd stop making any more effort, leave them to it, and concentrate on other friendships.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 19/09/2022 20:45

B was already worried about going, decided to bring her partner to help her cope. You had a word with her about it being. Inappropriate and as a result she's not going. You can't be surprised?

also why would A invite you, you'd told them your dh didn't want you going out all night?

OriginalUsername2 · 19/09/2022 21:11

Friend A and friend C have clicked well by the sounds of it. Nothing wrong with that.

Original poster
anerki101 · 19/09/2022 21:12

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 19/09/2022 20:45

B was already worried about going, decided to bring her partner to help her cope. You had a word with her about it being. Inappropriate and as a result she's not going. You can't be surprised?

also why would A invite you, you'd told them your dh didn't want you going out all night?

B wasn't worried about going. I never said that? She wasn't bringing her partner to help her cope. She was bringing her partner because he doesn't like her going out on her own. Which is totally controlling if you ask me. So yes, I gently explained to her why I was concerned. But that was weeks and weeks ago. She only cancelled today.

And I thought A mightve invited me as well as C because when I said I could no longer book for the night it was mostly a money issue and that was mostly my DH's issue too. So, inviting me to stay at hers would have solved that?

OP posts:
BattenburgDonkey · 19/09/2022 21:16

Why would they invite you to stay for the night when you cancelled booking a hotel because your boyfriend didn’t want you too? And you stuck your nose in with B and probably made them feel awkward. You all sound as bad as each other really. It’s a shame you are closer to them but sadly they aren’t obliged to make more effort with you.

BattenburgDonkey · 19/09/2022 21:18

She was bringing her partner because he doesn't like her going out on her own. Which is totally controlling if you ask me.

But your DH ‘put his foot down’ and didn’t let you stay out all night?? Pot and kettle there.

JellyTots2022 · 19/09/2022 21:21

Your DH put his foot down and didn't want you to stay out all night yet your telling her her partner is controlling?

You're all as bad as each other. I wouldn't feel comfortable inviting someone to stay who got involved In my friends relationships either.

Theimpossiblegirl · 19/09/2022 21:22

It's all a bit muddled. I would treat it like a job and keep them as distant colleagues. Hopefully you'll make other friends but it sounds like 2 of them have clicked more. Take a step back, have a book handy for breaks and keep it cool.

JellyTots2022 · 19/09/2022 21:25

Also you shouldn't just expect an invite to friend As house either; was that the plan along?

jelly79 · 19/09/2022 21:26

Sorry none of this would bother me. All normal and explainable.

Just meet your friends and enjoy the event. Don't overthink it

SmallPrawnEnergy · 19/09/2022 21:26

University? You all sound like you’re in primary school.

A & C obviously have clicked, you don’t own people just because you introduced them and just because she’s invited one person to stay doesn’t mean she should invite you too. She might not have the room, or be annoyed you’ve messed about with hotels.

Friend B probably couldn’t be bothered with another dressing down from and the judgement.

Make some new friends or just accept you’re an acquaintance to these people.

Invisimamma · 19/09/2022 21:26

You sound like hard work. Step back a bit, give it a bit of perspective, perhaps try to meet a few more people and see how things go.

SmallPrawnEnergy · 19/09/2022 21:27

It’s also pretty ironic you’re calling B’s husband controlling because he doesn’t like her staying out, but your boyfriend seems to be financially controlling you. Glass houses and all that…

Sowetoutside · 19/09/2022 21:31

I think less is sometimes more to be honest. Driving straight to someone and then returning every day for three days is a bit much, unless they indicate they want that,

Original poster
anerki101 · 19/09/2022 21:31

Yes, alright. I know it was a bit hypocritical when my DH put his foot down about me staying out all night. Maybe this is just me then. I've always found it difficult to make and keep friends. People don't seem to like me much.

OP posts:
JellyTots2022 · 19/09/2022 21:34

anerki101 · 19/09/2022 21:31

Yes, alright. I know it was a bit hypocritical when my DH put his foot down about me staying out all night. Maybe this is just me then. I've always found it difficult to make and keep friends. People don't seem to like me much.

Try not getting involved in things you shouldn't be involved in and a little less judgemental you'll find a little kindness goes a long way.

Sowetoutside · 19/09/2022 21:35

Lol the irony of that comment

bagboo · 19/09/2022 21:48

Hmm. So A knew you couldn't have stayed anyway because your DP didn't want you staying out all night.

How far do you all live from uni/these events?

It sounds like A/C have formed their own friendship, it's a shame for you but that's not unusual, sometimes people just click.

But why did you tell B her DH was controlling when your DP is the same?

It does all sound a bit juvenile presuming you're all adults.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/09/2022 01:37

So A, B, C and you were going to an event. You told B not to bring her partner, so she cancelled. You then suggested a travel lodge for A, C and you, which you cancelled. So A invited C to stay.

How exactly are they being the unreasonable ones?

tonightelmowillrise · 20/09/2022 02:27

YABU. YOU cancelled ffs! not to mention the fact that you’re ignoring your own controlling partner

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/09/2022 02:49

I've totally lost track of A, B and C. Let alone controlling partners. You can criticise theirs but not your own?

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 20/09/2022 03:58

These people are associates not friends. I can’t imagine staying over in a hotel with people/person I hadn’t seen for months at a time. If they were always too busy for even a coffee over the summer then they aren’t interested.

LunaMay · 20/09/2022 04:14

Would people really not say anything to a friend about red flags with a new partner?

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 20/09/2022 05:50

I have told her what I think, not my place you could say, but I couldn't not say anything.

You really, really could.

MessyBunPersonified · 20/09/2022 05:58

This is a you problem.

You absolutely could have not said anything about the boyfriend coming.

They didn't have to inform you they cancelled the hotel stay, sounds like they just changed it from the hotel to her house anyway, you already weren't staying.

People are allowed to meet up without having to invite everyone else.

It sounds like you expect to be central to everyone's plans, and you're miffed that you're not.

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