Are my friends being unreasonable?

[anerki101]

I started university as a mature student last September. I met a nice woman and we became friends (Friend A). A month later I switched course and made two more friends (B & C). I then introduced my first friend to the second two.

I feel like all this is rather petty and should be beneath me but I can't help but feel hurt by it all.

Anyway, we finished for summer back in April and don't return until next Monday. I've suggested a few times since April getting together but nothing has come of it. Someone's always busy, etc.

I once asked Friend B if she would mind giving me a lift to one of our uni events because I live 10 minutes in the opposite direction she said no. Sure, I got it. Bit cheeky of me to ask.

Friend B suffers from depression. She texted me a month or so ago during a particular bad period. I drove straight to her place, spent all day with her, took her some things to cheer her up, then went back every day for three days in a row to help.

We have a welcome back event tomorrow. Friend B is bringing her partner to the event even though it is for students only because he doesn't like her going out on her own. I have told her what I think, not my place you could say, but I couldn't not say anything. She agreed with my concerns but said it was fine.

I was also a bit miffed as I was looking forward to catching up which isn't doable with a partner in tow.

Anyway, I suggested to Friend A and C getting a travel lodge for the night to split between us so we could have a few drinks and not worry about getting home safely. I didn't know that Friend A had moved a walkable distance to the event so didnt actually need to do this but she didnt say and agree anyway??

Well, my DH put his foot down. Said we didn't have the money to spare and he would rather I stay out all night anyway so I let my friends know, apologised and we didnt book.

In the mean time, Friend B has cancelled, informed Friend C but didn't bother to tell me. I found out from Friend A.

Does this all seem ridiculous?

Friend A then told me she had invited Friend C to stay for the night as she now lives close to the event. I didn't get invited. I also found out Friend A and C have been getting together over summer and going out places via Instagram.

I know this all seems petty but all of it combined just makes me feel excluded, under valued and like they don't actually like me.

I feel like I couldn't have tried harder. Helped out friend with depression, suggesting get togethers, etc. But none of them reciprocate.

Aibu to think my friends aren't my friends?

Could you be trying too hard here OP? Friendships take effort but it doesn't always mean that the effort you put in is going to lead to good results here. It's why making friends can be such a frustrating process. I'd tone it down a bit with these women.

I agree with PP, it sounds like A and C have clicked, friendships aren't going to be fair, some people are more compatible than others regardless of how long you've known each other or how hard you try.

That's very sad for you. You've made efforts to build friendships. Sadly you'll have to look to make new ones it seems. Next time just stay friends with individuals - Concentrate on your studies now.

Op spent days with depressed friend B - she was more than an acquaintance - posters just change the facts to suit.

I do t see why the hotel stayers should have told you they were now staying at the other ones house as you weren't staying at the hotel anymore. You weren't involved of that part of the evening.

Perhaps they knew that your husband wouldn't let you stay at whoever it is house because he doesn't like you to go out all night and they didn't want to put you in a difficult situation.

Friendships are not transactions and even though OP was kind enough to spend her time with friends B while she was ill, that doesn't mean she should necessarily get a "return" out of it. Likewise, if A and C have clicked and strengthened their friendship that is not a slight towards the Op, just two people who enjoy each other's company.
I understand that it's upsetting but friendships are somewhat like relationships in that they are dependent on feelings not who puts in the most effort.

Thanks. I've never been very good at forming friendships or keeping them. I find it hard work. Perhaps I should just forget about friendships and focus on family and studying.

I found the detail too hard to follow but I think the gist of it is that you made the effort to make friends and bring people together as a group and then they've more or less cut you out and made it clear they prefer each other's company. Is that right?

Similar has happened to me, more than once, and it is hurtful so I sympathise. I'm socially awkward and don't have the ready charisma that many people seem born with!

It's all very well posters saying "well just make more friends then" as if you will just find a bunch of new friends under a gooseberry bush! Especially if you don’t find it easy in the first place.

I don't know what the answer is. I've just sort of got used to usually being the "spare friend" in most groups. Over time I've acquired a couple of really good friends and focus most of my energy on those relationships.

Do A and C live with partners?

They get along better with each other than they do with you. What’s the problem, it happens?

you were out of order telling B her partner is controlling. If my husband suffered from depression, I may well want to go along to an event where alcohol was involved with him.

I don’t think you’ve behaved well. I’m aghast at you telling your friend her husband was being controlling whilst yours is just as bad.

With a new year at uni starting, give yourself permission to expand your horizons - join new groups, societies, hobbies, etc - really get out there! You might not want to continue with all of them, but see what the people like. Don't invite A, B C along - this is about your opportunities to make better friends and nice on from that less than lovely group.

It sounds like your dh is controlling as well tbh

Make some new friends though

You all sound fourteen.

While I wouldn’t have mentioned the issues with the boyfriend I do agree with you on some points here OP. The same thing is always trotted out like people don’t owe you anything and I do understand that to an extent but I tend to disagree, we should all make an effort to be kind and considerate to others in life and I would go out of my way to make sure someone didn’t feel excluded. For example I wouldn’t tell someone that I’d invited one person from the friend group over to stay if I had no intention of inviting the others.

I am a mature student as well and struggle with the social aspect and it’s very lonely, especially when you find it hard to make friends in the first place (I do too). Make more friends isn’t helpful advice sadly because if it was that easy we’d all have tons of friends! Sorry that you feel this way OP.

I was possibly one of the posters you were thinking of, but in my opinion friendship is more subtle than that. It stands out that you say you would go "out your way" to include someone. I don't disagree to the principle but I feel that people who always, and in every circumstance do this, are somewhat prone to "feel excluded" when they themselves are not invited to participate in something. Also the fact that people who find friendships difficult often imagine that having lots of friend is better than just a few.
I don't want to criticise with this point, just to point out that when people "click" as friends I feel that partly translates as both wanting/ needing the same type of friendship. When friendships fizzle out without particular reason, mostly the friends are out of sync with each other.