To not think my kids are great?

[thegreenlight]

I feel like an awful mum - I always hear people saying that they are so lucky to have the best children, or how amazing their children are but I don’t feel like that at all. I’m so tired. DS 9 was diagnosed with autism and ADHD this year and is just relentless. DS 5 is a real handful and feeds off his brother. Both struggle with behaviour at school and have never successfully been part of any plays or clubs. I have never had cause to feel proud of them. They are both just such hard work. I think DS 5 would have been a lot better if not for DS 9. They fight constantly, muck about and embarrass me when I’m out. I feel utterly powerless and a failure. Before DS’s diagnosis I was told how naughty he was by other school parents and we were never invited anywhere. It’s very isolating. I’m very wary of other parents now and DS5 is struggling as he is end of August birthday and finds speech tricky too. How do people get easy going children? What did I do wrong?

Is there anything about them that you do like? Focus on that. Having a parent who doesn't think positively of them could well be exacerbating poor behaviour - kids really can tell!

I’m sorry OP, that sounds really difficult and however you feel about it is totally valid.

You haven't done anything wrong. You need a big hug. One of mine is v difficult, the other v easy. It is the luck of the draw.

Oh OP, sending you massive hugs, that sounds really tough. I honestly think it’s luck of the draw, most of the siblings I know have such vastly different personalities.

Sounds really tough. Any support offered from anywhere. There's lot of courses available even if it's just to meet parents in similar situations. Ask senco at school to point you in their direction.

Constant anxiety from DS9 has us all on edge. DS5 was such an easy toddler and baby and I feel like I must have ruined him. Any other parent would have probably done a better job with him. I have to gently parent DS9 because of his condition and find it hard to treat DS5 differently.

SENCO has been beyond awful. I had to go private for his diagnosis due to provision as school causing him to self harm. Starting the fight for an EHCP this year. They have already said they don’t think he will get one but I will make sure he will.

I feel you!! It's really tiring and tricky having neurodivergent, super high energy children.

But I agree with pp about focusing on the good points and stop comparing, as hard as that is. Even though objectively you know they're not the "best", as their parent you need to help them feel like you think they are.

I'm proud of my children doing their best even though they struggle, proud when they learn or do something their peers did years ago, proud of them trying or knowing themselves well enough to not want to try any more.

My older DC is funny, enthusiastic, active, different. My younger one is empathetic, thoughtful, sensitive, intelligent. How would you describe yours, positively?

Well you sound like a great parent, determined to help your children. You clearly love and want the best for them. Just need to stop comparing, accept who they are and love them for it. If they had physical disabilities I imagine you wouldn't be thinking they weren't great cos they couldn't walk etc. You're only recently learning about your DC and why they are the way they are so be kind to yourself too.

You're not a bad parent, but have a very difficult parenting job. It should get better. Maybe get the 5 year old away from his brother with after school clubs and hobbies. I don't mean isolate the 9 yo just to stop them feeding off each other in a bad way. Take pride in the small steps you make with the boys. Get help where you can.

DS is fiercely intelligent, funny and adores me. He cares deeply about his friends and tries his best to be a good boy. I’m his favourite and best person. He tells me every day.
DS 5 is adorable and funny. He’s absolutely gorgeous and will chirp up with - everybody loves you mummy at least 5 times a day out of nowhere. He loves dinosaurs and Lego and is the bravest boy I’ve ever known.

They adore me so I don’t think they sense how hard I find being their mum sometimes.

I had two, 15 months apart, both with adhd, and one also had learning difficulties.

One strategy that really helped was getting into character, like I was on a parenting show or something.

Because it was my character, and not me, who was dealing with them, I felt detached enough not to take their behaviour personally. It sounds weird, but it really works!

Good luck- I know how relentless it can be. 💐

Oh they sound wonderful, OP.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Forget about the other ‘successful’ kids. It all evens out in the end.

Big hug.

You must learn to stop blaming yourself and don't be embarassed in public. This isn't your fault. Say that a 100 times.

DS 5 adores his brother and won’t be without him while fighting constantly with him! I have booked for him to start horse riding lessons as DS hates animals and anything even slightly risky or outdoors! Hopefully that can be his thing! DS9 is a pro gamer as it’s safe and controllable!

They sound adorable.

My middle child is AuDHD (like me), and she is the most chill of my three… Until she’s not, and then Holy FUCK. Which then sets off my youngest, who makes screeching noises, cries, grabs on to me, whilst I’m also trying not to have my own meltdown

I spend most of my days making sure that life is as manageable as possible for my disabled child, whilst also sorting out my other two, trying to fit in some work (freelancer), and wishing I had someone to do things for me that would make my life as ND single mother easier.

I hear you.

OP it sounds like there is plenty to be proud of and i think you actually are deep dowm even if you don't feel it all the time. Celebrate all these little wins, the progress they make and their special interests and any achievements wether they are significant for their age/stage or not. Sending 💐

You haven't done anything wrong. And It's not easy. But at the same time you have to remind yourself they have no one but you to fight their corner.

Has DS2 started reception this year? As an august baby, if you feel he’s not ready could he defer a year and start next year?

Just focus on yourself. You have neurodivergent children, and you're obviously doing all you can to be a good mother to them. You can't ask more of yourself or punish yourself for not magically producing 'perfect' children.

Other parents who have 'easy' kids might be unaware of issues their kids have and struggle later on. In a few years, these 'easy' kids might turn into difficult teenagers or struggle with their mental health or addiction out of the blue.

You never know what's really going on in someone's home, or how their life will take an unexpected turn in years to come.

Your kids sound adorable and like they're blessed to have you. You're in the early years of learning to help them and you're doing your best.

Do you have a partner?

Sorry I meant the above for the OP. If you do cant you split DC?

It sounds like they are both very loving little boys. That counts for such a lot, not just for keeping you sane but for other parents and their teachers too - there's such a difference between children who struggle to sit still, pay attention, follow instructions, fit in, vs children who are actively malicious and unkind/violent to others - a kid with a good heart will (and should!) get a lot of leeway, other disruptive behaviour notwithstanding.

I hope you are able to get your son the support he needs to thrive. He's only 9, you've both had a hard time getting to this point of diagnosis - he has all the time in the world to get support, adjust, and make you and himself proud. As long as your home is full of love, your younger DS will do fine too.

You sound like a wonderful mum with two good hearted kids filled with potential x

I just have to make so many adjustments to our lives that other people never have to think about.