To not think my kids are great?

[thegreenlight]

I feel like an awful mum - I always hear people saying that they are so lucky to have the best children, or how amazing their children are but I don’t feel like that at all. I’m so tired. DS 9 was diagnosed with autism and ADHD this year and is just relentless. DS 5 is a real handful and feeds off his brother. Both struggle with behaviour at school and have never successfully been part of any plays or clubs. I have never had cause to feel proud of them. They are both just such hard work. I think DS 5 would have been a lot better if not for DS 9. They fight constantly, muck about and embarrass me when I’m out. I feel utterly powerless and a failure. Before DS’s diagnosis I was told how naughty he was by other school parents and we were never invited anywhere. It’s very isolating. I’m very wary of other parents now and DS5 is struggling as he is end of August birthday and finds speech tricky too. How do people get easy going children? What did I do wrong?

DS 5 started year 1! 4 days after he turned 5. School strongly discouraged me from keeping him back even though I approached them about it.

@Imissmoominmama One strategy that really helped was getting into character, like I was on a parenting show or something.

Because it was my character, and not me, who was dealing with them, I felt detached enough not to take their behaviour personally. It sounds weird, but it really works!

Thank you. I am going to try this. I regularly wince at how irritating I find the kids, so need to find a better strategy.

But you have just commented on things about your children which are lovely.

You haven’t done anything wrong - your child has ADHD, give yourself a break. You’re exhausted.

Lots of sympathy. Give them your attention, love, and cut sugar out of their diet- those things may help, but don’t beat yourself up.

I know that feeling, but there are a lot - a LOT - of parents dealing with similar.

If you haven't already I'd look at relevant support groups near you as meeting more parents of children with extra needs / parents of ND kids may make you feel less alone. It's shit, but acceptance is key.

Also is your 9yo on ADHD meds, if not maybe try them.

DS is medicated - it helps a lot but we have stopped giving him the tablets on weekends and when off school as he lost so much weight (the tablets make him have no appetite) he’s not perfect with them though.

No child is perfect - no one on earth is.

Translation: "it's your fault OP and I'm just a better parent than you".
So fucking unhelpful 🙄

I didn’t mean perfect - I meant they aren’t a magic pill - he still has anxiety, is reluctant to do tasks, is abrupt and inappropriate at school. At home he is not medicated and it’s even worse. Totally exhausting. He’s so so clever and it’s such a shame that he finds it so hard to focus.

I can relate to everything you have said! DS1 was a very difficult young child and also had an ASD diagnosis. We were excluded from lots of stuff by other parents due to his behaviour and I also used to get comments about his behaviour from them too.

No child is perfect and a delight to be around all the time but a lot of parents will tell you theirs is. I think sometimes they are blind to their children's behaviour or they actively choose to put a positive spin on things which is what I personally think you need to do as well. As a parent of a neuro divergent child you will most likely have heard a lot of negative stuff about your child from professionals and be feeling quite vulnerable already. The only thing that helped me was being super assertive with the complainers and not giving them much airtime in my head

OP Children are like a lucky dip......you never know what you'll get.
I really sympathise with you as I had a child/have an adult son now with severe ADHD.
God, when I look back i don't know how i survived with my brain intact.

You are doing your best. 💐