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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU over a coat?

32 replies

pastatriangles · 19/09/2022 18:00

DF and I have always had a strained relationship. Growing up he had serious anger issues and basically always treated me like I was crazy/stupid. I had to have years of therapy to get over it. None of my family saw it from my perspective and just said he loved me.

He is completely unable to see this and does have a side that is extremely kind and generous. He and DS4 have a lovely relationship but I was keeping them apart because DF and I weren't getting along. DF's partner told me he goes to sleep looking through pictures of DS, he really loves him.

Recently a family member told me he's been having serious health issues and I didn't want our last words to be made in anger. I was really shocked and upset and invited him to take DS for the weekend. I specifically texted him and said 'remember to collect DS' bag and coat' (both brand new for school).

They had a great time but DS came back in a new coat. I asked what happened multiple times and a while DF said in a sing songy voice like he was talking to a toddler, 'we left it on the train but we got a better one.' He left telling DS 'see you next weekend.'

AIBU to end the visits over this? It's so petty I can't talk to anyone about it but I feel like it's just part of the same dynamic. I bought the coat, sewed the name in, texted to remind him. It's just always something.

OP posts:
Sugarplumfairy65 · 19/09/2022 18:07

You'd keep a grandparent and grandchild who adore each other apart over a coat? He'll be dead soon enough, let it go.

blueluce85 · 19/09/2022 18:08

Even if he hadn't replaced it you are being unreasonable, as it was, you are being massively unreasonable! Was the coat sentimental?

Goingtogoinsane · 19/09/2022 18:10

It’s just a coat….

TokenGinger · 19/09/2022 18:11

Accidents and oversights happen. He's replaced it. Move on.

7eleven · 19/09/2022 18:13

I don’t think this is about a coat….

LL32 · 19/09/2022 18:15

I get the irritation of him being flippant about losing the coat but I wouldn’t sweat it. Zoom out and look at the bigger picture, was your son safe? Was he happy? Does he want to see him again? Don’t let your feelings towards him affect what you yourself have said is a good relationship with your son. Your sons coat is replaceable, his grandad isn’t

CoffeeLover90 · 19/09/2022 18:18

7eleven · 19/09/2022 18:13

I don’t think this is about a coat….

I agree. Do you think maybe lots of bigger issues have built up over the years, that something small like this is just multipled in your mind? At least he replaced it, accidents like this happen.
My DS's actually left a whole outfit at theirs this weekend after sleepover, the weekend before it was his cup, I get them back but I know if they lost something of his they'd replace it.
Sounds like they're great together.

Fundays12 · 19/09/2022 18:24

It's a coat please let it go.

Eslteacher06 · 19/09/2022 18:25

It's not about a coat. I've been in this situation and the fonal straw seemed so stupid and petty, but it was because it was because they didn't listen to me and therefore respect my wishes. Huge trigger!

I went low contact with my mil over a slice of cake, according to her.

It's not the coat

Will0wtree · 19/09/2022 18:26

Personally I don't think it's about the coat. If he'd apologised, said they'd lost it but had bought a replacement, I think that would have been irritating, but okay.

It's the refusing to answer and then finally talking to you in an intentionally belittling way. He's making sure that you know that he still doesn't care what you say or think about anything. But by doing it in a sing-song voice he's got his point across in a clever way so that it's hard to tell someone else without it seeming nothing.

Having said that, if he's got a good relationship with your son, and it's not going to be for much longer. Then maybe tolerate it until he's gone. Just keep your own interactions with him to a polite minimum as you know he hasn't changed.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 19/09/2022 18:34

He replaced the coat so I think I would let it go. Accidents do happen and whilst it’s frustrating it sounds like he has done his best to sort out the issue.

You say DS and him have a lovely relationship and it’s really not fair to keep using DS as a weapon in terms of your own relationship with your DF. It’ll be very confusing for your DS if you are encouraging contact and the relationship one minute and then withdrawing it the next and ultimately it’s him who loses out. Obviously if there were genuine safeguarding issues it would be different but as you say yourself the coat issue is petty. Totally reasonable of course to be annoyed by it but cutting contact again really just punishes your son.

I had a strained relationship with my own Dad after he died due to the way I was treated by him as a child so I do understand where you are coming from but I think you need to separate your own relationship with him from the relationship he has with your son. It sounds like he is a positive in DS’s life and like DS had a nice day with him so try and focus on that and accept that sometimes as a parent you have to put up with things for your child’s benefit you’d rather you didn’t have to.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 19/09/2022 18:36

Also, is there any way you can facilitate the visits without having to spend time with your Dad yourself? Could his partner (or yours if you have one) do pick ups/ drop offs or could you meet in a public space where there’s nowhere to stop and chat for more than a couple of minutes?

mathanxiety · 19/09/2022 18:41

Agree with @Eslteacher06

What your DF did was deliberate.

I doubt the coat was kept on the train. I'd say it's stuffed in a bin somewhere. He identified something you cared about and got rid of it, substituting his own item and making DS use it over the one you had bought and tagged. DS was probably happy with the one you chose for him too, but is now railroaded into using the new one.

If you do let DS go again, watch to see if there's any carelessness with the new coat.

mathanxiety · 19/09/2022 18:42

Left *

Ifulikepinacoladas · 19/09/2022 18:46

Of course it's not about the coat.
It's hard for people that don't know your relationship to say yes it's OK to not see him again...You don't need others to give you that permission.
As PP said the last straw can seem so petty, and will be what the 'other person' will claim you went NC over...conveniently leaving out the million other things that went on, or being oblivious.
My MIL would tell everyone we don't see her because of a FB post.

billy1966 · 19/09/2022 18:55

Will0wtree · 19/09/2022 18:26

Personally I don't think it's about the coat. If he'd apologised, said they'd lost it but had bought a replacement, I think that would have been irritating, but okay.

It's the refusing to answer and then finally talking to you in an intentionally belittling way. He's making sure that you know that he still doesn't care what you say or think about anything. But by doing it in a sing-song voice he's got his point across in a clever way so that it's hard to tell someone else without it seeming nothing.

Having said that, if he's got a good relationship with your son, and it's not going to be for much longer. Then maybe tolerate it until he's gone. Just keep your own interactions with him to a polite minimum as you know he hasn't changed.

This.

OP, you can stop seeing this man for any reason.

Years of therapy because of how you were treated would be enough for most, to never see him again.

FWIW, he sounds like a deeply spiteful man.

Protect your health and peace, there is no changing him.

Original poster
pastatriangles · 19/09/2022 18:57

Will0wtree · 19/09/2022 18:26

Personally I don't think it's about the coat. If he'd apologised, said they'd lost it but had bought a replacement, I think that would have been irritating, but okay.

It's the refusing to answer and then finally talking to you in an intentionally belittling way. He's making sure that you know that he still doesn't care what you say or think about anything. But by doing it in a sing-song voice he's got his point across in a clever way so that it's hard to tell someone else without it seeming nothing.

Having said that, if he's got a good relationship with your son, and it's not going to be for much longer. Then maybe tolerate it until he's gone. Just keep your own interactions with him to a polite minimum as you know he hasn't changed.

Thank you, this is EXACTLY it.

My feeling is that if it were a mistake and it was someone else, he would text them, ask what he should buy as a replacement, and apologise. He's very considerate to others, just not to me, and it's so hard to explain that without seeming like you're being stupid.

Like another time DS was at his house and hit his head playing and had to go to A&E. He was fine but I called in a panic not knowing the details, asking to see DS, and instead he was showing me around his house on his camera phone, telling me to say hi to random people and ignoring the fact I was almost in tears begging him to show me DS because I thought he'd had a serious head injury.

Also sorry to misleading but he's not exactly terminally ill, those were just the cautionary words my family member used.

They do love each other but I just feel the dread of 'oh God here we go again,' starting with this and it'll always be something.

But I'm probably overreacting and I will try to keep them seeing each other.

OP posts:
tonightelmowillrise · 19/09/2022 18:59

have you never lost anything? You’re acting like he throw it in a river and then didn’t bother sorting out another one

Boxofsockss · 19/09/2022 19:00

I think he made up for it by replacing it really. I wouldn’t stop the visits based on this

carefullycourageous · 19/09/2022 19:02

Flowers I don't think you are overreacting, your father harmed you in your childhood and you understandably and sensibly don't trust him.

I would also keep contact fairly minimal if it was me.

Growing up he had serious anger issues and basically always treated me like I was crazy/stupid. I had to have years of therapy to get over it. This from your op is not a small thing. Maybe some more therapy to decide what to do next would help. Take care.

Eslteacher06 · 19/09/2022 19:03

Just make sure you have strict boundaries, which he will try and trample over, but hold your ground. He may have a good relationship with your son, but your mental health should not suffer for it.

You are not being stupid, but I imagine the flying monkeys around you will tell you otherwise. Hold your council and save your breath as you will get nowhere.

carefullycourageous · 19/09/2022 19:03

Your update about the head injury is really terrible.

mamabear715 · 19/09/2022 19:04

My God, @pastatriangles
He just PLAYS with your head because he CAN, doesn't he? I can't believe other posters can't see through him..

Thehop · 19/09/2022 19:05

You don’t have to let him see your son. You don’t owe him. I’m sorry you’re being made to feel you have to.

Suzi888 · 19/09/2022 19:07

“Like another time DS was at his house and hit his head playing and had to go to A&E. He was fine but I called in a panic not knowing the details, asking to see DS, and instead he was showing me around his house on his camera phone, telling me to say hi to random people and ignoring the fact I was almost in tears begging him to show me DS because I thought he'd had a serious head injury.”

I would have blown a vein if someone pulled this stunt on me. It would have been the last time he looked after my child.