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AIBU?

Friends baby shower.. triggering after three losses.

48 replies

mythirdloss · 19/09/2022 17:53

Ttc for baby no2 for 6 years. Three failed pregnancies, I've had tests done, on clomid treatment, no luck as of yet..

One of my oldest friends found out she was pregnant earlier this year. I found out I was pregnant two weeks later. I lost mine at 11 weeks & she's due next month.

Her cousin has organised a baby shower for her and I have been invited. I have never attended a baby shower before and I have never had to be around anyone who's had a baby since I experienced my losses. Am I being unreasonable to find going to a baby shower extremely triggering?

I know she's my friend and it's a surprise that it is happening and I feel selfish to not want to go, however I do feel it's all just a little too close to home. I think only people who have been through baby loss will know how that feels. I just feel bad because I am happy for her obviously but at the same time, it could have been me...

I know going to this baby shower will only hurt and it's already something I get through each day.. thoughts?

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properdoughnut · 19/09/2022 17:56

Just make your excuses and don't go. If you want to say you'll pop round with something once baby is here but don't feel you have to.

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Hotandbothereds · 19/09/2022 17:56

You don’t have to go.

I was invited to sil’s surprise baby shower, after Clomid, x2 rounds of ivf, missed miscarriage, no meaningful diagnosis and definitely no baby it wasn’t something I could face.

We took her gifts when the baby was born, but the concept of the shower was too much for me and I didn’t want to risk getting upset at what should be a happy event.

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luxxlisbon · 19/09/2022 17:57

You are going to get loads of people fixating on the baby shower and ranting about how they wouldn’t to a baby shower even if they were paid. That’s literally not the point, someone is allowed to throw a party to celebrate her baby and you are allowed to find it too sensitive.
Did she know about your pregnancy? If she did she will probably already understand why if you don’t attend and if she doesn’t know just put yourself first and say you are busy on that day. If you want to confide in your friend about the reason at a later point that’s okay, and if you don’t want to bring it up that’s okay too.
Take the day for yourself.

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mythirdloss · 19/09/2022 18:00

luxxlisbon · 19/09/2022 17:57

You are going to get loads of people fixating on the baby shower and ranting about how they wouldn’t to a baby shower even if they were paid. That’s literally not the point, someone is allowed to throw a party to celebrate her baby and you are allowed to find it too sensitive.
Did she know about your pregnancy? If she did she will probably already understand why if you don’t attend and if she doesn’t know just put yourself first and say you are busy on that day. If you want to confide in your friend about the reason at a later point that’s okay, and if you don’t want to bring it up that’s okay too.
Take the day for yourself.

Hi, yes she was the first person I told when I found out, even before my partner. She's always been the first person I have went to when I've had those two lines. I am very happy for her and I know everything she's about to experience is going to be so amazing, however I also find it quite overwhelming and I'm not sure I will feel good about myself if I go.

I wish I could suck it up and just go but that feeling remains quite raw and ttc and fertility is a painful enough journey as it is. I just know she'll have something to say about me not attending.

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TempName01 · 19/09/2022 18:01

If it was me I would send a gift and card but also a note to explain how happy you are for her but that you would have found it too emotional to attend and wouldn’t want to detract from her happy occasion. I would absolutely understand if I was her.

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3rdOfHisNameBreakerOfPens · 19/09/2022 18:02

Absolutely fine not to go. Personally I'd send a gift via post and then come and see her after she's settled in with baby, as too many visitors early days can be overwhelming.
If, however, you would find it too overwhelming to meet the baby you might want to say why so later on she can keep that in mind when meeting up with you. However, don't expect this to happen until much later if that is the case.

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mythirdloss · 19/09/2022 18:02

The problem is that it is a surprise baby shower so she doesn't know it's happening.. so when it arrives, she would probably expect me to be there and I know she'll take huge offence that I'm not.

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oxydant · 19/09/2022 18:03

When going through infertility, I found the pregnancy stage the absolute worst. Somehow easier when the baby is here. Maybe swerve the shower, and see her and the baby when you feel comfortable

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Chakraleaf · 19/09/2022 18:04

I wouldn't expect my friend to go in those circumstances. Xx

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Cakecakecheese · 19/09/2022 18:04

If she's a true friend she'll understand. It'll be very hard to sit through all the excitement, you have to look after yourself.

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gogohmm · 19/09/2022 18:05

Send a gift with the organiser attach a note saying have fun sorry I couldn't be there but no need to elaborate

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BlooberryBiskits · 19/09/2022 18:05

I think it’s only natural that you don’t want to go: I think the best tactic really is to fake an illness so you don’t have to go & don’t have to explain anything either

Keep the focus on your friend til after she gives birth: at a later stage you might say that you were sorry you couldn’t be there but it was emotionally too much for you - any decent friend would understand

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Bizzyone · 19/09/2022 18:06

If she is a good friend then she wont be offended and will completely understand!!

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ConsuelaHammock · 19/09/2022 18:07

Don’t go. I suffered with secondary infertility so I understand how you feel. Put yourself first in this instance. You can deliver presents when the baby comes home.

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snowbellsxox · 19/09/2022 18:09

This is so sad, I totally get you wouldn't want to go .. gosh my heart. I hope you get your happy ending xx

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OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/09/2022 18:12

Straight after she’s had the baby shower just text her saying you hope she had an amazing day and was spoilt rotten etc- and you wish you could have been there but it was just too triggering.

a true friend will totally get this

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Essexgalhere · 19/09/2022 18:12

I have been invited to my best friends baby shower in 2 weeks time. I miscarried my twins at 9 weeks whilst she was 9 weeks with her baby - her pregnancy continued and her shower is just a couple of weeks before my due date. I’m undecided as well wether to go or not. I would say that any true friend would understand if you wasn’t able to go. Best friend or not you have to put yourself first. I am considering asking mine to meet up separately for lunch another time as I’m not sure if being around all the baby activities will be too much knowing I should be having my babies that month xx sorry for your loss and infertility and please be kind to yourself

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Honeyroar · 19/09/2022 18:14

Would she really take offence if you’re not there? I’d be surprised if a decent friend didn’t understand. Just send a card afterwards saying you hope she had a lovely time and sorry you couldn’t be there (add because you found it too emotional if you like).

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Chdjdn · 19/09/2022 18:14

I wouldn’t go; either be honest or make an excuse if your friend doenst know about your losses. Some things are just now worth it for how they will make you feel

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FrequentUser2022 · 19/09/2022 18:16

I wouldn't go personally. I remember all the anger & upset I felt towards pregnant women & newborn babies (not their fault, I know) but it took a 10 week miscarriage & two stillbirths to get my Rainbow baby.

Your feelings are valid. Anyone that has experienced what we have gone through, will understand. If shes your best friend, she will also understand how painful it would be.
Big hugs to you. X

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BoopBoopBoDiddley · 19/09/2022 18:18

mythirdloss · 19/09/2022 18:02

The problem is that it is a surprise baby shower so she doesn't know it's happening.. so when it arrives, she would probably expect me to be there and I know she'll take huge offence that I'm not.

If she takes offence and isn't sympathetic, she's no friend.
I am sure she will understand though

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TolkiensFallow · 19/09/2022 18:18

Could you send a card and flowers to whoever is arranging the shower to give to your friend. Just a note to say you hope she has a lovely day and you are sorry you were unable to attend?

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CurbsideProphet · 19/09/2022 18:27

I'm sorry for every you've been through 💐
I wouldn't have gone to a baby shower when going through my miscarriages and IVF. I'm finally pregnant now and am not even having my own shower as I find it so anxiety inducing. If you don't think she would understand (which is a shame considering you are such good friends) and you want to avoid any falling out I would invent a prior engagement ie a family lunch for a birthday and after the event use this as your reason.

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wishing3 · 19/09/2022 18:30

I wouldn’t expect you to be there if I was the friend and if she does I think that’s her being unreasonable. Can you arrange to send a gift to be there for her to be open at the event so she knows you’re thinking of her, then explain after? I’m so sorry for your losses.

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Funkyblues101 · 19/09/2022 18:31

mythirdloss · 19/09/2022 18:02

The problem is that it is a surprise baby shower so she doesn't know it's happening.. so when it arrives, she would probably expect me to be there and I know she'll take huge offence that I'm not.

So you send a card via another guest to be opened immediately saying you are sorry to be unable to attend but wish her a wonderful day. She will be fine with it - it isn't about you!

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