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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friends baby shower.. triggering after three losses.

48 replies

mythirdloss · 19/09/2022 17:53

Ttc for baby no2 for 6 years. Three failed pregnancies, I've had tests done, on clomid treatment, no luck as of yet..

One of my oldest friends found out she was pregnant earlier this year. I found out I was pregnant two weeks later. I lost mine at 11 weeks & she's due next month.

Her cousin has organised a baby shower for her and I have been invited. I have never attended a baby shower before and I have never had to be around anyone who's had a baby since I experienced my losses. Am I being unreasonable to find going to a baby shower extremely triggering?

I know she's my friend and it's a surprise that it is happening and I feel selfish to not want to go, however I do feel it's all just a little too close to home. I think only people who have been through baby loss will know how that feels. I just feel bad because I am happy for her obviously but at the same time, it could have been me...

I know going to this baby shower will only hurt and it's already something I get through each day.. thoughts?

OP posts:

BetsyBigNose · 19/09/2022 18:31

In your shoes, I would definitely give it a miss. It sounds as if it might be quite an ordeal for and I am sure your friend wouldn't want you to put yourself through something which might be traumatic for you, on their behalf. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time.

Jericha · 19/09/2022 18:46

I wouldn't go. I did when I was in a similar situation to you and it wasn't the right decision for me at all.

Mariposista · 19/09/2022 18:47

Ughh, unless you are American, everything about baby showers is inappropriate

CharlotteSt · 19/09/2022 18:50

I couldn't have children and I'm generally fine with it but baby showers are my red line. I absolutely couldn't go.

My niece is being induced today and I'm so relieved she didn't have one although I'm really excited for the new arrival.

If, knowing my history, any mother-to-be objected to me not attending their baby shower, I'd be the one taking offence.

20viona · 19/09/2022 18:51

You don't have to go. My friend gave mine a miss after she had an ectopic and I was nothing but supportive.
I had a miscarriage and 2 of my friends announced their pregnancies around the time I would of and it didn't bother me though. I think I'm in the minority with my thoughts though and maybe it's different because I already had one child.

Hankunamatata · 19/09/2022 18:51

I'm guessing secondary infertility isnt really well understood or sympathised with. Do you think that is what your friend struggles to understand? I think I'd find something utterly urgent or provoked to attend

Beseen22 · 19/09/2022 18:51

My best friend and I were pregnant at the same time, she's still pregnant and I'm not. I feel for her, she's in an impossible situation because she doesn't want to upset me by talking about the baby and doesn't want to keep things from me as its the biggest thing in her life. But right now I'm not sure I could go to the shower. Maybe in 4 months I might feel different. I seen her last night and cried all the way home.

Hankunamatata · 19/09/2022 18:51

Pre booked not prevoked

YelloCar · 19/09/2022 18:54

If she has a problem with you not going then is she really a good friend?

If you don’t want to rock the boat, fake an illness and message on the day saying you hope she has a great day and you‘ll see her soon.

But if she’s a good friend she’ll understand.

Original poster

mythirdloss · 19/09/2022 18:56

Thanks all.

I'm thinking I send a card with a mutual friend and just explain I have something on that day. I shouldn't really need to explain myself much more to anyone else. Then when the time comes, I can let her know why I didn't attend, however I'm sure she will realise and hopefully she understands that.

OP posts:

Original poster

mythirdloss · 19/09/2022 18:57

It's a bit strange because it's a surprise one, otherwise I'd have just messaged her to explain why and there would have been no hard feelings. However, I'm sure there will be plenty others there.

OP posts:

toooldtodate · 19/09/2022 18:58

I'm going to my against the grain here and say YABU - and I'm someone who had 7 miscarriages and many rounds of IVF. Including a loss at 12 weeks and my sister gave birth on what would have been my due date

Is this her first child? It's a bit different if this were her 5th or something Or if you didn't have a child already (although yes I do very much understand that secondary infertility is painful - I had primary and secondary infertility)

Friends should be there for each other through the good times as well bad ones

I'd completely understand if I was her if you didn't go but that doesn't mean that if I were you I wouldn't go if that makes sense

OceanbreezeSun · 19/09/2022 18:59

It’s absolutely ok not to go op.
As other pps have said - maybe send a card with a nice message that she can open on the day.

I had a surprise baby shower, one of my sisters didn’t come ( she had suffered a baby loss a few years earlier and it was still raw) she sent me a lovely card saying sorry she couldn’t make it. I was totally fine with her not being there & didn’t think badly of her at all.

123ROLO · 19/09/2022 19:00

I'm going to a baby shower in a few weeks and someone's pulled out for simular reasons. Everyone's been completely understanding, she apologised, said she wouldn't be much company, sent her well wishes - what can you say really? It's a perfectly valid reason.

Everydayimhuffling · 19/09/2022 19:01

I agree with PPs: send a present (if you can) and card with someone who it going, just saying you are sorry you aren't able to come. That way you can head off any upset that you aren't there. I would hope any good friend would understand how you feel.

Twizbe · 19/09/2022 19:01

She will understand.

Say you can't go and send a card and present when the baby arrives (I was taught it was bad luck to give a present before)

After she knows about the shower and you're reasons for not going she will understand

TakeMe2Insanity · 19/09/2022 19:01

Honestly your friend will understand. Send a polite no to the organiser (no explanation) after the baby shower organise coffee with your friend and get her a small present if you want.

hewouldwouldnthe · 19/09/2022 19:02

Don't go. Any excuse will do, but you've been through enough.

Ginandcrispsarebliss · 19/09/2022 19:03

Hi OP, I wouldn't go and I am sure if she is a good friend she wouldn't expect you go. Maybe send a card/flowers instead and say, you will see her another time.
Sorry with your losses. It is heartbreaking. I hope you will have your rainbow baby in the future. I had mine and he is a cheeky 11 year old.

Imogensmumma · 19/09/2022 19:07

I don’t think she will take offence, message her a few hours after the start of the shower and be honest…. You are so happy for you but at this time I wouldn’t cope mentally to be there.

I had a woman pull out of my baby shower on the day, she gave a crap reason but I knew it was because she wasn’t able to have children and I totally got why she wouldn’t have wanted to be there

Sceptre86 · 19/09/2022 19:51

Is it her first baby? If it is then I could see that she would be upset as you have a child already and whilst secondary infertility is no less painful she may well feel hurt that you couldn't put her feelings before your own for a few hours. That being said I'm a big believer in doing what feels right to you and if the thought of going is causing you anxiety and heartache make an excuse.

TempName01 · 19/09/2022 19:52

As a close friend I would be hurt if you made up an excuse rather than let me know how you were feeling.

SparrowsNest · 19/09/2022 23:07

Don't go. She's your friend, surely she will understand.

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