To think people are losing the ability to resolve conflict

[Letthekidsplay]

I’ve seen threads where so many people have been ‘ghosted’ or just dropped by a friend with no idea why.

Am I wrong to think this is a new thing and that in the past people would have resolved their issues and not been so scared to openly disagree or tell somebody why you’re upset?

It seems people expect life and friendships to be 100% perfect and easy and give up or ignore their friends I bateau of trying to fix things. Do people not invest in their friendships as much these days and want to resolve problems or is it just more noticeable because of social media and WhatsApp groups etc?

you are reasonable people have always acted this way

you are not unreasonable ghosting is a new phenomenon and people are far more flaky these days

People just seem to be very closed minded these days. My DH has an issue with members of my family. Won't agree to resolve it despite me asking him to for my sake, apparently his pride and self respect is more important. He thinks it's not an issue as he only potentially has to bump into them a few times a year and is happy to either avoid those events or not talk to them. I'm sick to the back teeth of it if I'm honest. I wasn't raised to hold grudges with people

I don’t think it’s just friendships, it’s any contact with another person which may become difficult. Hence you get threads like ‘my neighbour shat in my garden but I’m petrified of conflict, how do I let them know it’s not ok?’

Not many people enjoy an argument but people seem to go to extreme lengths to avoid dealing with any issues.

No, not really. If anything, it's the invention of social media and mobile phones and being contactable 24/7 that has led to the need to ghost in the first place. Easier to cut someone out of your life pre-Internet.

You think people have only in recent times started being passive, ignoring people rather than confronting them, holding grudges and nursing secret hatreds, perhaps based on misunderstanding, rather than airing differences?

Not a big reader?

I'd suggest on the other hand that maybe people are less interested in conflict and drama and are cutting the people who cause problems out of their lives instead of engaging. We're all very aware of how short life can be these days- too short for struggling to maintain unrewarding relationships perhaps?

I think people have become more polarised and less able to recognise there are grey areas and unwilling to accept them.

They would rather lose a friendship than agree to disagree.

Ghosting has always happened, but it’s certainly increased in popularity in recent years. I think people in general are conflict avoidant and ghosting someone is cowardly.

Due to social media etc we are connected with more people but relationships are shallower. When there is a disagreement, there is less motivation to resolve it properly. It’s easier to just move on.

The world ever was thus. All very common and very normal. Friendships ending and estrangement are as old as time.

My mother spoke of a couple from a rural background, where my mother’s parents were from, who married, travelled together to the capital to set up a new life, he went down one street and she another one and they never saw each other or their families again. My mother only knows because the woman wrote to a friend of my grandmothers.

They did all of that to get away from families in a time where that was much more difficult than now. No idea what was going on in the background to necessitate that.

Yes agree with this, people aren't allowed to thrash things out or have debates anymore either. You're just on one side or the other. It's so unnatural, people shouldn't agree with each other on every topic which seems to be expected these days, so odd

I think people have gotten really extreme when it comes to their understanding of boundaries. Boundaries now seem to mean 'go no-contact' after one off events or things that could potentially be worked through.

I think it's a reaction against the previous model which was to ignore problems/abuse and 'get on with it,' not interfere, blood is thicker than water, etc. But like anything it can be taken too far.

I think it’s more that we’re all becoming more anti social in general and just can’t be bothered with the stress of it all. If someone annoys me or whatever I just write them off to be honest as apart from literally my dh and dc (I don’t have any other family) I really don’t care enough about anyone else to be bothered.

Think it's always been there.
Some things are not always resolvable.

When I as younger my family come round and were very negative/ critical brought dark clouds with them, my mum was very much “you know what they’re like” she excused everything.
Her sons were cunts to me, extremely neggy before negging was even a describable thing with a name, they made me very a self conscious person growing up she said “you know what they’re like, just ignore them” on loop.
I only make time for people who bring value to my life now, I became very optimistic when I learned the art of moving on fast from people who don’t want to treat me how I treat them. It sounds cheesy but I was having a half life before I like myself more now and my child enjoys my company and being around our nice friends.
it’s oppressive having people around who’s. ’ways’ you have to ignore.

Ghosting is just a new word. We used to ‘lose touch’ with people. It’s essentially the same thing in that you don’t keep in contact. it just seems different because social media is different to 30 years ago when we never called or wrote back. People moved house and you lost their address. They left jobs and you just didn’t contact each other after that. It was easier to distance yourself from people so ghosting as it today wasn’t necessary.

I don’t know if people are more conflict avoidant but personally as I have got older I take less shit and value myself more. I don’t feel the need to ‘work’ on friendships. They’re either east or not worth having.

YANBU.

Growing up, my mum was like this - there were no shades of grey, either everyone agreed with her and behaved perfectly 100% of the time, or they were ghosted and the worst person ever.

I watched her lose nearly all her friends, family, end up in numerous awful neighbour disputes, quit a course she had been working on for 3 years because she was too proud to retake an exam and felt the marker ‘had it in for her’.

It was exhausting being around her as nobody could match her extremely narrow view of ‘acceptable behaviour’ and everything you did or said, she took as a slight.

I vowed never to be like this, to only cut people off if I felt I had no other choice, and to really try to see the best in people and their intent if they did something that irked me. As a result I have a close group of friends that’s I’ve had since I was 11, have never fallen out with a neighbour, and generally consider myself an easygoing person.

Mumsnet ‘friendships’ make me sad. That you should never ‘interfere’ or offer sincere advice, and instead take a sterile and neutral stance at all times. Posters seem to see friends more like ‘colleagues’, to be kept at a professional distance at all times, and you can simply cut them off if they do something to annoy you. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve seen ‘I’m glad you’re not my friend, OP’ or ‘find new friends’ like years of friendship count for nothing because of one
minor incident. Friendships on here seem very transactional.

So no YANBU. It doesn’t surprise me so many people claim to be lonely/friendless with this attitude.

100%. Had a minor disagreement with a brother and he was genuinely going to just not come to an important event (without telling me) because of it. I had to get in touch to be like wtf? It’s so odd - people seen unable to fight but understand it’s just a fight and move past it. An argument doesn’t mean you need to scythe people out!

It’s the opposite where I am! Except people live out their neighbour conflicts through the village Facebook page!

There was a really interesting article a whole
back about how social media and the internet have allowed our social circles to expand far beyond where they would naturally be. People only have the headspace and capacity to actively maintain so many relationships. I think one thing this ‘unnatural’ social circle expansion has led to is an excess of personal relationships that don’t just fade away like they would have in previous generations, and that’s exhausting. Ghosting isn’t nice, but my guess is that it has sprung up as a result of unsatisfying peripheral relationships being prolonged indefinitely on social media life support.

I agree @Blaggertyjibbet

i also think that in times of stress, we are also getting better at self care. It can feel less stressful to let go of a relationship that is difficult than put energy into trying to resolve the problems, with no guarantee of success.

Ummm…. Yes I read a lot, not sure how’s that’s relevant when having a conversation speculating about the potential role of social media in the deterioration of personal relations and their longevity.

Letthekidsplay

Personally I think that its because people are less tolerant of arsehole behaviour.
Some people have been putting up with the shit that these people bring with them for years.
Frankly its a relief to let them go.

100% true

I completely agree with this. In the last few years I’ve definitely noticed more people being unable to cope with an opinion different from their own, even if that opinion is relatively innocuous (obviously I’m not suggesting people accept racist views etc). And that “ not coping” seems to manifest itself in ghosting and even abuse.

I genuinely don’t understand why this is. A friend and I have different views on a relatively contentious topic. One day she asked me about it, and why I felt the way I did. I explained. In return I asked her why she felt the way she did, and she explained. We both learned something from each others’ point of view, the conversation eventually moved on, we got another round in and moved on. We’re still friends.

Other friends and I disagreed because I felt that some covid measures had an impact that wasn’t being considered and they wanted harder lockdowns. They dropped me like a hot stone and, despite my efforts to revive our friendship post-covid, have made it clear that I no longer fit in with them. I just don’t understand why they couldn’t accept that I just felt differently.

People did accept a lot more, but that included us having to mix in the pub/family with domestic abusers, racists, sex pests etc. In past times ghosting was 'losing touch', as said, no internet/mobiles made this easier. First fights would happen and then be got over, but violence was more acceptable. I don't think that things/people are worse today.