To be really concerned about DS 14’s attitude to school work

[Upthebracket22]

DS is in year 10 and starting his GCSE years. He’s fairly average academically but is doing higher papers in science & maths and could probably do fairly well I think if he worked/focussed!

His attitude to homework is dreadful- slap dash, can’t be arsed, would rather be gaming, cries or feigns illness/tiredness etc

i just got really cross with him (not the best approach I know but out of sheer frustration) because of his ‘can’t be arsed’ attitude.

Anyone got any advice or had a similar experience? I know it’s teenage behaviour a bit too and he’s pretty immature as he’s not gone through puberty yet (in hand as he’s having in tests)

Make access to gaming dependent on satisfactory completion of work

It’s 9.30 on a bank holiday so he’s probably wishing you’d give him a break.
My dad used to be SO pushy with homework and revision and it had the opposite effect to be honest.
i’d agree with the no gaming until homework completed etc but if you are on at him all the time I’d step back a bit. It’s frustrating for you but he has to take some responsibility himself. Set ground rules and then see how he gets on.
when it comes to revision for exams, sit down together to make a revision plan and then it’s clear what is expected of him rather than constant nagging like I got

I think at 14 it’s better to explain that this effort now will give them more choices in the future. That being organised and having a work life balance is important. Start where they want to be in the future and work backwards. If they aren’t sure then keep it simple. Eg, you need good grades to get into sixth form/local college etc.

@Newrumpus Yes, that’s one thing we have said to him so far

Maybe this is actually the start of puberty OP!

@Goingtogoinsane yes you are right! Problem is he has 4 lots of work due in tomorrow!! He’s had a weekend of footy with his mates, a sleepover etc so I have let him get away with it!!

@WhereAreTheLostPens i bloody hope so!!

You can't make him do the work but you can support the school when they give him detentions or whatever. Check his work with him, make sure he has the equipment to do it, and communicate with the teachers.

I teach several boys who didn't do homework in y10. I gave them detentions every single time, as per the school policy. For the most part, they now do do it because they know I won't let them get away with it. They also know that I will contact home for good and for bad.

As a general rule, I'd stay out of his homework, but definitely make internet and gaming dependent on it. But without nagging, arguing or justifying, or even raising it more than once. The key thing is, be consistent. Crying not a reason to change your mind.

You could be describing my son in Y10. He did very little work, was very slap dash especially around homework. Sanctions didn't work just soured our relationship. He would just do nothing at all if I took away the wifi etc. What helped, his HOY mentored him at school, he advised me to leave punishments to do with school to school ( ie for being late, not handing in work) We survived, got through his GCSEs with high enough grades to get to sixth form. It was a bit frustrating for me as he had the ability to get 8 and 9s but they are his exams not mine. Despite really rating his old school he has gone to another 6th form. A fresh start where no one knows he was a bit of a pain in lower school. He is doing subjects he likes, has a part time job and appears to be doing some school work. Maintain the relationship and he will come out the other side.

Sometimes you have to motivate yourself, and want to achieve the desired results, which sometimes is difficult to cultivate in some cases.

This. Same with socialising w mates. My youngest is Y10 and we start each Sat morning w a discussion about what he has planned and when homework will fit in. Get him to practise thinking it through and agreeing which bits will be done on which days. Fwiw mine really struggle if they leave everything to the last day so I do encourage them to avoid that.

Where in the home does he do the school work.
My kids now work at the kitchen table.
They have to do 4-6, wether that's homework or revision.
If they need longer they do longer.
They can chill after.
I also have a no electronics after 8:30 on a school night.
They can read, chat, play cards or games but no electronic stuff.

Speaking to other parents they have similar rules especially in the exam years.

As soon as mine were in their exam years I took a step back. We explained that exam years were extremely important and mapped their future is they wanted to go to uni which both did.

We took a step back and We didn’t ask, argue or force the issue when it came to homework or studying , they needed to make the effort themselves.

we were there to support and assist if they asked but it was their responsibility.

pick your battles when it comes to teenagers.

Are you me? We have the same bloody issue and it’s so frustrating.

What we’ve done (but not sure it’ll work) is develop a study plan with DS - with DS, being key.

Go thought the week and set out the times when he is to do work, have a break, do his sports etc. needs him to buy in though. Next break down the study times to what subject he’s to do. Then maybe break down further to Sept/Oct it’s going back over what was done in class, Nov/Dec add in revision of Sept/Oct to what’s being done in class (if you have end of term exams in Dec as we do (not in UK, but have state exams in June also).

In our case DS has 8 exams to sit in June, so planning how to prepare is a bit overwhelming at his age - unless we gave him a bit of help I don’t think he could work out where to start.

I think they do need help (and a massive kick in the arse!) at this age, and apparently boys are much worse than girls.

Good luck!

I think you parent the child you have. I would never have needed to remind two of mine to do homework, but one I did have to.

I used also to have a hot drink and snacks available at homework time.

This is a lot of boys today I think. Schools have forgotten how to teach to boys or perhaps are resistant to the idea that they learn and are motivated to learn differently.

Help him find his own motivation. Does he have an idea of the career he wants? If so, help him understand the aspirational aspects of it (career fair, work shadowing if possible). Does he have an idea of what university he might want to go to? Take him to an open day so he can visualise it.

My parents never got involved in homework at that age.

If I left it until the last minute/did it on the bus/didn't bother, that was my problem, not theirs.

Offer to help him but back off if he says no thanks. Try to encourage him to homework clubs and 100% back up the school with any sanctions for non homework.

Through these tricky, stinky teenage years relationships and self esteem are everything. Be your son’s biggest cheerleader (even when you want to throttle him 😆). Tell him often he his funny, kind and clever and full of potential and that you believe in him. Sometimes what looks like lack of effort is lack of confidence.

My parents had that approach as well, luckily I was a fairly academic child and did OK with it.

Unless the child is very self motivated and capable, I think it's good for parents to be involved.

I don't understand how involved a parent can be with homework at that age, though. I mean, unless you sit there for hours until they've finished, how are you going to make them do it if they don't want to?

I'm a teacher and I really think that the key to doing well is self-motivation. I see so many parents battling indifferent teens about homework and revision, but the time comes when they stop responding to your sticks or carrots unfortunately. They have to want to do well. I have seen some children turn it around when faced with natural consequences that scare them a bit, such as a spectacularly failed exam or being at risk of losing their place at sixth form. At 14, I think all you can do is remind him and provide supportive conditions.

Ask them what homework they have. Show a genuine interest in the subject. Ask how it relates to previous work and the topics coming up. Sit down with them and figure out how it relates to questions they might get in their exams by looking at past papers. Get them to explain it to you once they have finished the piece of work.

At his age he has to do it himself and the school have to deal with it. They do mature a lot over the course of year 10, but ultimately he won't learn to be independent if he doesn't get to feel the consequences of his choices now.