To be really concerned about DS 14’s attitude to school work

[Upthebracket22]

DS is in year 10 and starting his GCSE years. He’s fairly average academically but is doing higher papers in science & maths and could probably do fairly well I think if he worked/focussed!

His attitude to homework is dreadful- slap dash, can’t be arsed, would rather be gaming, cries or feigns illness/tiredness etc

i just got really cross with him (not the best approach I know but out of sheer frustration) because of his ‘can’t be arsed’ attitude.

Anyone got any advice or had a similar experience? I know it’s teenage behaviour a bit too and he’s pretty immature as he’s not gone through puberty yet (in hand as he’s having in tests)

Carrot not stick approach is decent.

As a word of warning some of the students that used to turn up that had over involved parents struggled once they started at University because they were used to being micro managed. I had one worried parent telling me her DS wouldn’t manage because he was used to a cooked breakfast every day and he had ended up in self catering accommodation.

I just told DS that as much as a education is not a guarantee of a well paid career it certainly helps and no one wants to be poor.

Mine is 13 and year 9. I have taken a completely hands off approach- I never nag or even ask about homework- if she asks for help from me or her dad we give it, but I will never ask ‘have you done x?’. I also refuse to get involved in being responsible for any of her school related items- year 7 was a nightmare for ‘I’ve lost x’ at the last minute before school- we had a chat and she now organises everything herself including uniform and sports stuff.

Seems to be working so far. I have also made it clear that I will never email her teachers to excuse her not doing homework for any reason or anything like that. I don’t restrict her social life or screens etc either- it’s up to her to manage it and deal with the consequences if she’s up too late or gone out too much with friends to get homework done. She’s by no means perfect (!) but is self motivated and so far doing well. Natural consequences seem to be best for her so far!

@2pinkginsplease why would you take a step back when they are in exam year? surely thats when you try to help them make good choices. My son is 15, i couldn't take a step back or he would do nothing like the vast majority of kids that age.

Well, I have to say I'm very glad my parents never got that involved - that sounds incredibly overbearing and a more appropriate approach for a primary age child, to be quite honest 😬

I think that you can support & remind him, make sure he has space to work.

Essentially he needs to do the work & take the consequences for not doing it - detention in school.

Don't let homework sour your relationship & spoil home life.

I say this as a teacher. I would hate to think work I set was causing rows at home.

Seemed to work fine for mine. Essentially it’s just showing an interest in their work. Obviously if they are not interested in discussing it then don’t push it, but I found mine to be very happy that I was interested in their lives.

Does he know what he might like to do? Maybe look at colleges and courses to inspire him. Realistically his options will be limited or he’ll have to spend time resitting if he doesn’t get on with it now.
Are there supervised study or homework sessions at school.

My advice would be that his study time should be a non-negotiable part of his routine, not something that is rushed through after gaming or being out with mates.

Set him an amount of time that has to be spent on study/homework/revision every school night and weekend. No screens or socialising unless and until this is completed.

Remember you are the parent and 14 year old boys need parenting. With the best will in the world, very few teenagers have the long term thinking or self-discipline to prioritise school over fun. That is where parents need to and should step in.

Agreed.

My parents weren’t involved at all and guess what? I didn’t do that well 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️. I actually WANTED a tutor. I WANTED help with revision planning and still they just let me crack in alone.

I am actively involved in my children’s education and plan on continuing to do so.

Because they need to learn themselves that to get decent results they need to be motivated themselves and can’t have someone hanging over them telling them what to do, and this continues onto uni.

are you going to stand over your child all through exam years and possibly uni too?

they need to learn that the choices they make determine their next step.

Worked well for both our children who got amazing grades and are both now at university studying for great degrees,

Thanks for all your comments- it’s super useful. At his highschool, they have an online homework system where both students & parents have a login so it’s kind of expected we will know what they are doing!

I could of wrote this post also just had words with my ds14 about homework told him from now on if it's not done after school on the day he gets it he will be spending his Sundays doing every piece half hour later he appeared to show me his history homework completed.

Well, I managed to do fine despite my parents never really being involved, so I suspect it's just as much about personality as it is about involvement.

Did you ask them for help?

I mean, my parents were interested in my life too, but I would have really struggled with such an intense level of parental involvement in my school life.

My daughter is in year 8 and sounds very similar, total “can’t be arsed attitude”.

I have just started a new routine where at the beginning of the week (I mean mon-fri) she picks 2 days to either go out, chill on her phone or a bit of both. The other days she’s straight home and either doing homework or getting organised, tidying bedroom etc.

It’s working really well, despite the expected push back to start with. But, and this is really important, on her “days off” I don’t make any comments about her bedroom, homework or whatever else is silently killing me.

It might be worth a try, and adjust it to suit your son and the amount of work he has to do. I don’t want to be over bearing but when my child isn’t showing that she’s capable on their own then I need to step in.

I think you need to be involved- it is a difficult balance but that is what being a parent to a teenager involves- finding that balance! Personally, I don't think letting them get on with it works for many- some are self motivated, I was but I don't think it is common. A PP suggested the self motivation has to begin now as if not now, when but university and an 18 year old outlook is very different to a young teen. My year 11 - who is very bright but very laid back did say to me last week that he wants to get the 8s/9s but knows he is trying to fit in too much- social life straight after school, then he is playing PS4 before I come home from work and he is settling in to homework fair too late - 9pm onwards. He seems a different boy this week and has worked hard so yes, I think they need to have that self - realisation, especially if they have future plans but you need to encourage that, you need to remind him of the opportunities you want him to have.

Getting angry and giving ultimatums won't work. I was exactly the same - although I would just hole up in my room reading if I wasn't allowed to go out or watch tv until I'd done the work my mum wanted me to.

TBH quite often I just didn't do the work because I knew it already and therefore deemed it (rightly or wrongly) a waste of my time; I knew the teacher wouldn't take it in or I wouldn't be punished even if they did; or because I knew it wasn't relevant to any GCSE subject. I was a smartarse as you can tell!

Honestly you need to take a step back and tell him if he gets punishments you will be backing up the teachers NOT him. If you think he'll respond well to it - take away a cable from his console. Easier than hiding the box or the controller! I wouldn't definitely start if you don't already having some time limits - not past 8pm on a Sunday for example.

@2pinkginsplease well of course you are going to go on about amazing results, i wouldn't expect you to say anything else. Not every child is like your child, and judging by majority of people here they are happy to help their kids because that's what they are, kids, so thank yourself lucky your kids got amazing grades and great degrees despite you doing nothing to help or organise (lazy?) , but that's DESPITE not BECAUSE of you, so stop clapping yourself on the back.

@Goldenbear
well said, totally agree

Offer money for good results?

My question would be why is he getting gaming and socialising time if he’s not putting in the effort with his homework?

I’d be telling him that from now on he does 2 hours of studying on school nights and 3 hours on a Saturday/Sunday. If he has homework, he does it during this time. If not, he can do revision. Only after this time has been completed, he can get gaming or socialising time.

We use this system with our DC(with an age appropriate amount of study time) and it works well as they have no incentive to rush through homework.

If you wanted to be stricter, you could link study time to screen time by making each hour spent studying earn a set amount of screen time. Again, our DC have earn all their screen time this way.

This has to cover all their gaming, phone and tv time. So, for example, DS2 (year 10) did an extra hour’s physics revision on Thursday as he knew he wanted to watch a 3 hour film on Friday evening.

This is a bit of a problem both in terms of age and -sorry! boys, I think.

They just don't get the importance of putting in the work to give them more options in the future - it's the old 'deferred gratification' thing again. Kids who understand this concept know that the time and effort they put in now will make life better in the future.

I think it's very dependent on their friendship group. My son was in a very competitive and ambitious group of friends and that made all the difference. He really upped his game because of that. If his friends are not interested in achieving it's tough, I know.