To cut contact with parents?

[Usernameinvalid16]

This is the first time I have posted in a long time.. but I wanted to know if I was being unreasonable because I am finding it hard to justify my reasons why I want to cut my parents out of my life.

I am in my late 20s with a 8 year old DD. I recently moved out of my parents house and I have done a lot of thinking about my life and my upbringing and I have come to the realisation that my relationship with my parents isn’t great, or “normal”.

My whole upbringing I have felt unloved and like I am nuisance for my parents. Their involvement with my DD feels too much at times and they are very opinionated about how I am bringing her up, almost like they feel like they are her parents and whatever I say or do isn’t right or good enough for them.

It feels like I would be here forever typing the things I have experienced so I will just bullet point some of the things.

• my mother suffered with depression so often I was left to take care of myself from a young age. Dad was either working or wasn’t bothered about looking after me.
• Was allowed to go out at all hours walking around the streets from a young age
• School wasn’t a big deal. They weren’t fussed if I went or not
• my dad would repeatedly lose his temper and would often punch holes in the wall or doors
• we were very poor as a family so food wasn’t great and we often had no electricity or power cuts
• I didn’t receive any love from them. I feel like I was neglected in that department
• they never celebrated my achievements. For example, passing my driving test, getting through college with a young DD, getting into university, my massive weight loss or getting my own place.

These are only some of the reasons why so if you need anything else then I am happy to go into more. As I said I would be here all day or this post would be massive.

Thank you for reading this and I am happy to talk more about it if you need more.

It doesn't need to be all or nothing.. you can go low contact.. .

These are past issues.. how are things now ?

I think this is a normal part of growing into adulthood. I had the same realisation about my parents about the same age. However as I’ve got older still I also now consider more the reasons why they were the way they were (neglected in childhood themselves, very poor etc). Not as a way to excuse their behaviour but as a way to understand why they are how they are.

I chose Low contact with my parents and when I do see them It’s on my own terms.

I think you just need to find what is right for you. Maybe you can manage low contact or maybe no contact is right.

are they harmful to you or your child now? Or are the issues mainly how they treated you in the past?

whatever you decide doesn’t have to be final. You can gradually reduce contact until you find an amount that is a good balance for you.

I used to have really bad anxiety. Now I have moved out this has gotten so much better. Whenever I visit them I feel myself getting tired or irritated quickly.

Things aren’t great between us our relationship isn’t great and I was willing to repair things with them but it seems like they aren’t interested or willing to recognise that things aren’t great.

With my DD they don’t respect the things that I have put in place for her, like cleaning up after herself, rewards for good behaviour, healthy meals, playing outside, small amounts of TV, iPad time or homework.

I do recognise that their childhoods weren’t great, there was elements of neglect and abuse in theirs too.

If they won’t/can’t recognise the issues in the relationship then there is very little point in trying to make changes with them. It does sound like lowering contact is the best thing for you.

could you see them less and maybe only see them outside of their home? I very rarely see my parents at their home because I hate the atmosphere there (as well as the environment because they are hoarders). I find it much easier to meet up occasionally for a coffee or at mine. Their behaviour is different out of their home.

Is there nothing positive you can say about your parents? I’m assuming you don’t have siblings to talk this through with.
I’d suggest you have some counselling sessions to work through your feelings - I did because of my poor relationship with my mum and it was so beneficial and helped me to stop dwelling on things I couldn’t change, and work on what I could.
I didn’t go no contact with my mum, and actually our relationship improved as a result. Just remember, your parents have supported you in less overt ways - you lived with them as an adult with a baby / child. That’s support isn’t it?

I would meet up with them outside the home but they barely leave or venture out so seeing them in their home is the only option really.

Yes I have siblings but we aren’t that close and we don’t talk very often.

Yes we lived with them whilst my DD was young and I am very appreciative of this support which I guess is why I am in 2 minds about going low or no contact.

@Usernameinvalid16 maybe if they won’t leave the home you just do very infrequent and short trips to see them? Just popping in for a drink and then leaving.

if they are overly involved then maybe a grey rock approach would work

How often do you spend time with them at the moment?

Refusing to recognise those boundaries with your daughter are a huge deal if it’s everyday, less so if it’s a handful of times a year, so low contact could be a good option maybe?

Do you need them to recognise that things aren’t great to build a better relationship? It can be easy to get stuck on acknowledgement when realistically that’s something you are more likely to get from a therapist.

It’s also ok if you don’t want to see them. But don’t get overly hung up on acknowledgment that’s things aren’t good as chasing that doesn’t tend to help.

I used to see them everyday for about 30 minutes but I have recently cut this down to 30 minutes a week and I feel much more relaxed now. My relationship with my DD is improving as I’m less agitated. We live about a mile apart.

I was hoping that a little bit of recognition on their part would help us to overcome our issues and work on improving our relationship and maybe bring us closer together.

Nobody's upbringing is perfect.

I would not cut contact?
What would you be teaching your child too?
How do you know your child won't do it to you?

Don't expect them to change OP. They will get defensive if you bring up your childhood and they will just go on about how they gave you a home with your DD.

I would keep visits short, be on the way somewhere else, so you can't hang around. Ignore any comments about your DD.
You've achieved masses in your life, if they can't see it then it's their problem. I would also look into counselling.
Good luck, it's not you it's them.

I've had similar experiences.

But it gets so complicated when they seem to have a relationship with your DD? What contact do you envisage between them? What does DD think of her dgps?

I've found it easier being around them now I know they are autistic and had difficult childhoods themselves. They really weren't fit to be parents.

Just keep trimming contact to find what suits you eg to once a fortnight then once a month and see how it goes. I have had NC for almost a year but then life gets in the way and we are brought back together.

I'm the same OP and have wrestled with it all my life. I'm 60. I have considered just completely cutting contact but then it makes life difficult with other relatives, siblings and so on.
I came to the conclusion that I wouldn't burn my bridges so I decided to move 300 miles away and keep contact to an absolute minimum.
That works much better for me.

I'd agree with going v low contact but also wanted to say huge congratulations for breaking the cycle. That's an incredible and admirable achievement, and it sounds like you're giving your DD a much better childhood than the one you experienced.

if you’ve seen an improvement by reducing contact then clearly it’s the e right thing for you. I’d just keep tweaking contact until you get to a type that is right for you. Every day sounds way too much so it’s good you cut that down.

“I was hoping that a little bit of recognition on their part would help us to overcome our issues and work on improving our relationship and maybe bring us closer together.”
^ I think you’re doing down the wrong route here. It is unlikely you will get an acknowledgment from them, do you think they even have insight into how they are?have they admitted fault before and tried to change? If not I think your focus should be on yourself and your child, and moving forward in a way that is right for you, despite how your parents are.

One thing just to add.

One thing that cutting contact didn't do was stop the desire for their approval or respect..

That took a lot of time and soul-searching to get to a point i knew i wouldn't get it.

You should be proud that you have done well in spite of having very neglectful and abusive parents. I would go LC and gradually increase that to NC if you feel that it has made your life better.

Just reduce the time you see them as much as possible.

Your priority is to be well for your child.

If seeing less of them helps this, then do that.

You want more than you had for your child.

Good MH will help your child to grow up with better memories than you.

Often when people leave home, their relationships become easier/better.

Yes I definitely agree that having less contact with them has greatly improved my mental health and I feel that I am a much better parent without them being around constantly.

I will however, continue to see them less and try to figure out what suits our home life better.

I want my DD to have a better childhood I did and I want to continue to do that without their influence.

No, they have never admitted fault, they have never acknowledged any problems so I think getting them to recognise what they have done is just wasting my time and I need to try and make peace with that.

Initially, when we first moved out my dad was understandably upset at the change in her life and missed her dgps but now that we have settled in our home, she is much happier and doesn’t ask to see them as often as she did. However, when ever she sees them for an extended period of time this upsets her and sets her back a few steps. She stops doing any chores and puts up a fight when asked to do so. So I definitely think that her relationship with them isn’t good for her and I think she would also benefit from seeing them less.

Sorry my DD was upset not my dad.

Selfish and unreasonable.

No parents were not perfect and no offspring are perfect either.
My parents weren't always supportive and we had some moments. I guess I loved them warts and all and I wouldn't have dreamt of cutting them off. It would have broken their hearts for sure not to mention how it would affected the wider family. Your sounding selfish.

They aren't around anymore my parents and I miss them. They never changed but I accepted it, and i had respect for them.
Nobody is perfect you sound like your looking for some sort of revenge on your parents.

Remember you have a child too and how would you feel.it done to you?

I totally agree with dotty

I don’t feel like I’m being selfish. I feel like I am taking the necessary steps in order to protect my mental health and try and be the best parent to my dd.

I understand that no one is perfect. I’m not looking for revenge I only want what’s best. Obviously, I would be upset if it was done to me but I would try and understand what went wrong between me and her, which I feel is something that my parents aren’t willing to do.