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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Staying with 1 child

42 replies

Questions12 · 19/09/2022 08:00

Hello
Have a nearly 5 year old. Split with his dad when he was very young. Been a single parent for 70pc or so since then. I've met someone with no kids and it's fairly serious. Before meeting him I was happy with 1. Had fertility treatment and a placental abruption leading to prem birth. He is open minded re kids.
However I'm veering towards staying at 1 child. Is it really awful to have just 1?
I'm not a natural parent and find it hard. I'm also a worrier.

OP posts:
Original poster
Questions12 · 19/09/2022 08:05

I just love the age he is now and feel the gap would be big. I'm also 36 so I know time wise I'd have to hurry

OP posts:
Daisy03 · 19/09/2022 08:08

I love having just one child. I stopped at one for various reasons but I can focus on her completely and she's a well rounded happy child.
I do get comments sometimes but it's what's worked best for our family

KangarooKenny · 19/09/2022 08:10

I’m an only child and it’s fine. I don’t know any different !
Just make sure that, if you marry in the future, that you have a will in place for your child.

Original poster
Questions12 · 19/09/2022 08:11

Thank you. I feel bad as ds would benefit from a sibling. He loves other kids.

OP posts:
MonaChopsis · 19/09/2022 08:12

I had an only due to marriage breakdown, rather than by choice. The older she's gotten, the happier I am... She gets her social time by inviting kids over, but when they start annoying each other it's time to go home! Any invites for sleepovers mean child-free time (I'm a lone parent so that's rare!) and I never have to split my time or focus.

I would have loved another, but honestly having an only is better than I would ever have thought.

Original poster
Questions12 · 19/09/2022 08:15

I'd be worried about another abrupption too. I wish things were straightforward

OP posts:
Gemzee · 19/09/2022 08:15

I have 1 (4yr old Ds) and very happy. Me & my husband can give him all our attention, spoil him, have holidays etc - not as easy with more than one.
I find parenting hard, esp the toddler years! Also I'm 39 and never wanted a baby into my 40s.
My husband had a vasectomy in June 😊 It's the right decision for our family.

KangarooKenny · 19/09/2022 08:15

Questions12 · 19/09/2022 08:11

Thank you. I feel bad as ds would benefit from a sibling. He loves other kids.

Two of my kids don’t speak and won’t be in the same house. Having another child is no guarantee, and he gets plenty of other kids at school.

Original poster
Questions12 · 19/09/2022 08:16

Dp is an only child and he's fine.

OP posts:
DarkForces · 19/09/2022 08:18

I have a ten year old only child and she's one of the happiest people I know. We're very close and although that might change having a second wouldn't change that. Stopping at 1 has worked out great for us

CecilyP · 19/09/2022 08:18

Questions12 · 19/09/2022 08:11

Thank you. I feel bad as ds would benefit from a sibling. He loves other kids.

Presumably, he loves other kids his own age that he can play with, as do most children.

whatshouldIdo2022 · 19/09/2022 08:21

I had a premature baby too and this puts me off having another as it will 99.9% happen again and could be earlier than the 34 weeks I got to this time. I can't imagine coping with having a baby in hospital for weeks and also having a toddler at home needing me, so I'm sticking at 1. It does make me a bit sad and I wish I was someone for whom pregnancy and birth were relatively straightforward but its not to be, and I hope for the reasons PP state that DD being an only child turns out fine.

MolliciousIntent · 19/09/2022 08:23

Loving other kids and wanting to share your mother with a baby are two very different things.

Original poster
Questions12 · 19/09/2022 08:24

True. I worry as he's hardly got any family. My sibling won't have kids and he does have cousins on his dads side but doesn't know them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Questions12 · 19/09/2022 08:25

whatshouldIdo2022 · 19/09/2022 08:21

I had a premature baby too and this puts me off having another as it will 99.9% happen again and could be earlier than the 34 weeks I got to this time. I can't imagine coping with having a baby in hospital for weeks and also having a toddler at home needing me, so I'm sticking at 1. It does make me a bit sad and I wish I was someone for whom pregnancy and birth were relatively straightforward but its not to be, and I hope for the reasons PP state that DD being an only child turns out fine.

I wqs given 5pc chance of it happening again and even with that I'm not willing to take the risk.

OP posts:
Ladybyrd · 19/09/2022 08:26

I have a brother 6 years older. I've never considered it a massive age gap. We fought like cat and dog at times, but at others he'd read me stories. We get on well now. Maybe not as close as my kids who are just a couple of years apart.

A was 39 when I had my first and 42 when I had my second.

I think it all boils down to what you really want. If you don't want another one, that's ok.

TinyTickler · 19/09/2022 08:27

My two have a 5.5 year age gap and adore each other, so I wouldn't let the age gap put you off.

Only you can decide whether to have another, but I don't think many people regret having a child.

What does your partner think? Would he not want a child of his own ?

Original poster
Questions12 · 19/09/2022 08:28

He's open minded but not desperate for a child.

OP posts:
lizziesiddal79 · 19/09/2022 08:29

I have one. Love it.

CecilyP · 19/09/2022 08:30

There really is no wrong decision. Whether you stick with one, or have another with a big age gap, it will be fine. The placental abruption is certainly a worry, though I’ve known women to whom it’s happened for one birth but not other.

Original poster
Questions12 · 19/09/2022 08:31

I worry about him being alone but I know a few people whove had 2nd children and they've had physical or mental issues so they'll never be much support anyway.

OP posts:
PrancerandDancer · 19/09/2022 08:34

I'm similar age OP and just have one who is 5 too.

Suits us. She is thriving. I've had all the only child comments but honestly it works for our family.

She has a lovely friendship group and over the summer I regularly had her friends over to give their mum's a break and to give her company

Ladybyrd · 19/09/2022 08:42

I was worried about Ds being alone and was adamant all along I would like 2. Truth is, I'd like another, but I'm 44, have 2 lovely kids, and wouldn't dare push my luck. I also had 2 miscarriages to get there so I'm well aware of what can go wrong.

Looking back, I needn't have worried about him being alone. They have their friends and as PP said, if they start arguing at least you can drop one off at home! But deep down, I knew I wanted another one - very much. I would set aside your worry about him being alone and think about what you really want.

I'm not mumsy at all by the way, as was pointed out by my HR manager when I went on maternity leave - nice! Everyone is just winging it really though. There's no qualification for being a mum - it's experience that counts.

Fireyflies · 19/09/2022 08:44

When I was a child it would have been relatively uncommon for a child to be an only. These days it's much more common. I think only children often gravitate towards each other (or others with much younger siblings) as friends. I have two and whilst they get in well now, that hasn't always been the case.

QueenofLouisiana · 19/09/2022 08:54

I have 1, who is now 17. He rarely sees his cousins as we don't live near those parts of our family.
There are so many things that we have been able to do with 1 that would have been way more challenging with additional children. DS was hugely into a sport pre A Levels, we travelled the country for competitions, for specialist training and for experiences. We could do that with him but couldn't expect another child to tag along for hours on end (frequently whole weekends).
We can now travel to places linked to his academic interests, our summer holiday was to an area full of the history he loves. Again, with another child, who could well have no interest in history, this would have been very difficult.
I have step-siblings, but it is still left to me to do everything for our parents. I once thought that having another would stop DS being stuck with being solely responsible for me in my old age. Experience tells me that this isn't the case anyway.