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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still go anyway despite birthday

34 replies

Goodnesss · 18/09/2022 23:38

Have been discussing for a while a winter break with my friend and our toddler aged children. Obviously discussed with DH who was fine with it but we didn't really know when it would be exactly until we'd looked properly.

Turns out the best week for us both is next month sometime so we are looking to book it. It works out well for friend in terms of her work during this week and it's a few bob cheaper than the other weeks we've been looking too.

Mentioned it to DH tonight and he's saying we should choose another week because it falls over my step sons birthday. He'll be 10. He's pissed off that I 'didn't remember' and that I still want to go anyway as I don't think it's a big deal.

I didn't remember as in 'oh no we can't possibly go then' kind of way when me and friend were discussing it but I do know when DSS's birthday is obviously. I just didn't think it was a big deal so it didn't enter my mind that we wouldn't be able to go then.

He's not even planning anything for it so far as I know (DH I mean).

I'm minded to just tell him it's when the best deal is so we'll be going then but we will celebrate with DSS another time (as in me and our DC) obviously DH will celebrate with DSS on his birthday.

OP posts:
ReturnfromtheStars · 19/09/2022 04:05

If it's not yet booked and other good deals available I would book a different date. If you aren't away, would you be going to his party? Would you have him in your home that day?

MissingNashville · 19/09/2022 04:12

Presuming your toddler is your husbands child, then your child is your step sons sibling. And presuming your husband will be having his son at some point to celebrate his birthday, I think it’s pretty normal to have siblings around for birthdays when they’re young. To say it’s not a big deal seems cruel. So yes, YABU, book another date.

ZekeZeke · 19/09/2022 06:27

YABU
Just book another date.

Esteemed · 19/09/2022 06:34

Would you go on holiday over your own DC’s birthday without them?

I would never go on holiday and not be there for one of my DC’s birthday when they’re still so young so I understand your DH’s point

TheCutter · 19/09/2022 06:36

I'd book another week.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 19/09/2022 06:37

I’d choose a different date.

Ubbee · 19/09/2022 06:39

Do you care about and have a good relationship with your stepson? Do you not want to see him for his birthday and help your husband to plan something nice for him?
The way it reads is that this family member is a complete after thought for you so I can understand why your husband would be upset.

ASCB31 · 19/09/2022 06:49

Yabu
Please don't, my Dad and Stepmum recently decided they 'had' to go to their holiday hour meaning they were away for my DD 4th birthday. Although DD wasn't especially bothered as we had lots of family and friends around, I was very upset (as I know it was Stepmum pushing it and not being bothered about DD birthday)

ASCB31 · 19/09/2022 06:50

*holiday house not holiday hour!

Snoken · 19/09/2022 06:50

I don’t think it’s a big deal you not being at home when it’s your stepsons birthday, but I do think it’s a big deal that his sibling is not there, so I would pick a different week.

Ladybyrd · 19/09/2022 06:52

You're putting getting a cheap deal above DSS's birthday, and seem to have no awareness that this is unkind when it's already been pointed out to you, so I can well understand why DH is pissed off, and actually think he's all the better father for it.

IDontWantToBuildAFuckingSnowman · 19/09/2022 06:59

I don't think it's a big deal at all. I can't image a 10 year old is going to be grief stricken that their step mother and toddler sibling isn't around on their actual birthday. If he has a party surely he'll be spending the time with his friends of the same age not his much younger sibling?

Asking what you'd do if it were your own child is irrelevant because he isn't. A child I imagine is going to be much more upset about their mother not being there on their birthday than their step mother in most scenarios I imagine.

Nice opportunity for his dad to focus entirely on him and celebrating with him without any distractions.

IDontWantToBuildAFuckingSnowman · 19/09/2022 07:01

Ladybyrd · 19/09/2022 06:52

You're putting getting a cheap deal above DSS's birthday, and seem to have no awareness that this is unkind when it's already been pointed out to you, so I can well understand why DH is pissed off, and actually think he's all the better father for it.

What exactly is unkind about it? Do you think a 10 year old is going to be that bothered?

KangarooKenny · 19/09/2022 07:03

You book it.

eighteenmonthstogo · 19/09/2022 07:07

No, I agree with you OP. If your dsc isn't going to be at yours for their birthday. Then there's no problem with you grabbing a bargain.

The essential thing is how would your DSCs birthday play out ? I've had 4 Dsc (now grown) and their birthdays with us varied as to the degree of involvement every year.

Week day term-time. Non contact day

  • phone call from DH and I (present having been given the previous weekend) Step siblings call/text birthday wishes . In this sort of set up - Yes of course you go and join the phone call from your holiday accommodation.

Week day Term-time. Contact after school.
Dsc comes to your house and has birthday supper and presents with Dad, you and step siblings. No of course you don't go away. It sends a signal that his birthday is not important.

ThinWomansBrain · 19/09/2022 07:11

does DSS live with you or his Mother?
Not going away if DSS isn't going to be at your home anyway seems a bit pointless

girlmom21 · 19/09/2022 07:13

I can kind of understand why you didn't consider his birthday but now DH has pointed it out as an issue I think it'd be unkind to not reschedule.

Mybumlooksbig · 19/09/2022 07:15

YANBU. He's 10, you can see him before/afterwards to do something forbid birthday.
People on here saying cancel it..Is frankly nuts.

Can toddler face time big sibling on the actual day?

Mybumlooksbig · 19/09/2022 07:15

For his*

Original poster
Goodnesss · 19/09/2022 07:17

He lives with his mum. Contact is hard to plan for as his mum works shifts so we won't actually know if he's with us or not until a couple of weeks before however its been very rare in the past that he's been with us for his birthday as I think she usually tries to arrange her shifts around it. He no longer has parties and tends to just have sleepovers at his mum's with friends.

If he's at his mum's he'll like pop to ours (live close by) for an hour after school (it's a Friday this year) to open presents and see DH and then go back to his mum's.

I doubt he'll give much of a care that me and his sibling aren't there for the hour he'll likely be at ours for.

The likelihood is that we'd then have him at some point over the weekend where we'd probably do something like cinema or takeaway and film night at home but not sure why DH can't just do that himself, DSS would probably enjoy that.

OP posts:
Howmuchcanabananacostanyway · 19/09/2022 07:18

DSS may value the chance for special time with his dad completely 1:1 on his birthday.

Original poster
Goodnesss · 19/09/2022 07:19

Can toddler face time big sibling on the actual day?

Sure, wouldn't be a problem.

Just think it's nuts as well to mess my friend around both in terms of cost and time over a childs birthday who I'll likely see for an hour on the day and who isn't even my child and likely won't be fussed about me being there or not. As PP said, he'd be more bothered about his own mum not being around.

OP posts:
SamanthaVimes · 19/09/2022 07:21

I would have loved 1 on 1 time with my dad at that age. If DH will be home then I don’t see why you wouldn’t go as planned. If DH was going with you then obviously you’d need to change it.

Clymene · 19/09/2022 07:22

I think your husband is being a drama llama. I can't think your stepson is going to be too bothered.

Is your husband trying to stop you going away altogether do you think?

Ladybyrd · 19/09/2022 07:22

The point is he won't see his dad on his birthday because his dad is away on holiday with his new family.

It isn't my stepdaughter's birthday, but we invited her to come with us when we go away next month. There have been times when we couldn't because she was at school. But I wouldn't plan something on her birthday, knowing she couldn't come, because that just seems hurtful. And I would prize not hurting her feelings above getting a cheap deal.