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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make DD miss out on this birthday party?

40 replies

MumAdvice92 · 18/09/2022 17:37

So DD has been invited to her first ever birthday party but I really am in two minds about whether to take her or not… she’s 6 and parents have to stay at the party due to all the children having disabilities (DD is autistic).

On the one hand, it’s a little girl from school that she has become very close to and she says that she does want to go.

On the other hand - the party doesn’t start until near enough the evening (5.30pm) and this is around the time when her behaviour starts to get worse because of being tired, and second of all because of the environment the party is in (indoor adventure playground) there are so many triggers that she can’t tolerate - loud music, loads of children around, she’s not going to tolerate the birthday cake and singing or basically the event not revolving around her (she doesn’t understand that it’s someone else’s birthday event and not her own).

I really don’t know what to do, I don’t want her missing out on things because of her autism or her then being excluded from future parties but equally her behaviour has been so aggressive and destructive recently and I know every little thing about this party is going to trigger her off and I don’t feel confident enough to handle that level of behaviour in front of a group of parents I’ve never even met before (she goes on school transport). Yes we could go and leave if she does start but how that would look is having to drag a screaming child who is hitting and punching themselves and you out of the door and I just don’t know if I have the mental strength for that at the moment because it’s starting to really get me down now just in general.

Has anyone got some advice please? And please be kind as I’m just a mum who is really struggling at the moment!

OP posts:
lanthanum · 18/09/2022 17:47

If she's at a special school then I'm sure other parents will understand. Could you contact the mum and explain and see if you can get the two of them together separately?
(Is it possible that the timing is late because the soft play offers a quieter session at off-peak time for children with special needs?)

CaramelTwirl · 18/09/2022 17:51

If all the children have disabilities surely the parents will understand and not judge if you take her and then have to leave.

Original poster
MumAdvice92 · 18/09/2022 17:54

I know they will understand but it doesn’t make it any easier or less pleasant to deal with…

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 18/09/2022 17:57

We have a late soft play party coming up soon because it gives exclusive use. Maybe go and be prepared to bail if it’s too much for her. Would she tolerate ear defenders?

Notonthestairs · 18/09/2022 18:06

Been there, bought the t-shirt.

The benefits were a) always worth a try, b) putting faces to names and c) as result I felt confident to try a few 1-2-1 meets up afterwards (some of those worked well, some not so much).

I learnt always to make emergency exit plans and understood the moment she needed to leave we would. No hesitation just go - that way DD would trust me to try new things.

I was always upfront with the party host that might happen and got my apologies in early. To my knowledge we've never been criticised for it! You won't be the only parent worrying about this.

NancyJoan · 18/09/2022 18:10

Can you message the child’s parent and suggest a 1-2-1 meet up at a better time; explain that DD isn’t at her best at 5:30, and that the soft play will be very overwhelming for her?

Ridley10 · 18/09/2022 18:13

I completely get why you’re reluctant. Two of my children are autistic and later in the day is not good for them. But if you’re dd wants to go, I’d let her try. If it doesn’t work, you bring her home. It’s definitely worth a go.

Whatsthepointofmosquitos · 18/09/2022 18:13

Take her, she can’t just miss out on this kind of thing because it’s hard - and I can see that it’s so hard 🙈

Take headphones, work out in advance if there is an area where you can take her to calm down (outside? Loo? Corridor?) and stay with her as much as you can.

Warn the host that the event has a lot of triggers for your DD and that you might have to whisk her away discreetly and that the host should not be offended if you suddenly disappear.

My DD isn’t autistic, but struggles greatly with loud noise, and I’ve had to leave several parties - on one occasion about ten minutes after arriving! People remember that you came, brought a present, made an effort and tried to make it work, and it keeps you and DD included in the group.

Go. When it eventually goes wrong, don’t string it out or say goodbye or make a fuss, just discreetly take DD home.

Going to events like this, even if only for ten minutes, is an important part of teaching her how to cope with the world. The brutal truth is that you won’t always be around to look after her and she has to build some coping mechanisms. She can’t do that if she isn’t exposed to difficult situations.

reelcat · 18/09/2022 18:44

@Whatsthepointofmosquitos has summed it up really well. I really think you need to give it a go and don't worry about how long your daughter lasts. New experiences are tricky to navigate but going would be in both of your best interests. Good luck!

Revolvingwhore · 18/09/2022 18:49

Take her and be prepared to leave if she gets too difficult. Give her a chance, I think.

DesignerRecliner · 18/09/2022 18:54

How is she ever going to learn any social cues or interactions if you pre-empt terrible behaviour and stop her going. You're also stopping her from experiencing the same as neurotypical children, which is very unfair.

BendingSpoons · 18/09/2022 18:57

Is she likely to enjoy it? If she doesn't go, will she understand she has missed out if others mention it at school?

There will be other parties so you don't have to go. DD missed a similar party due to having COVID. I was really disappointed for her, as she was so upset. She got invited to another party at the same place 6 weeks later.

Ivyr0se · 18/09/2022 18:58

Can you do a practice run? Like bring get to the play centre around that time a couple of times before it so she might get used to it? I would try bring her to the party, even if you only stay for 20 minutes.

Dixiechickonhols · 18/09/2022 19:02

Can you check with party mum and say a condensed version of your post. Thank you for invite, you are just wondering what exactly plan is as your dc is challenging especially at that time of evening and if overwhelmed. It may be at 5.30 so exclusively for party guests etc. I’d be inclined to try but you know dc best.

lailamaria · 18/09/2022 19:04

she's going to be autistic her entire life, she can't miss out on parties forever plus she really wants to go i say take her, she might suprise you you know

Bollockingfuck · 18/09/2022 19:57

My son is also autistic and goes to a special school. I would text the parent to say you’d love to go but with the caveat that you might need to bail at some point. I think this is a good opportunity to experience a party with understanding adults and your daughter might like it and be able to manage for a short time. The parents will totally understand if you have to leave. Well done for trying to negotiate the best choices for your daughter. ❤️

Testina · 18/09/2022 20:19

I would consider arriving late, so that there’s less for her to handle - obviously speaking to host first. If it’s an hour of play then cake, maybe arrive for half an hour of play. Do you know the place? Sometimes there are queues to get in - to get ticked off a list, but joining regular queue. You might be able to phone ahead to arrange coming straight through on arrival.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/09/2022 20:22

Have you looked up the opening hours for the place? It may be that its exclusive use at that time or they have booked a special neuro diverse slot or something.

If she wants to go then I'd take her and maybe think in advance of ways you can make it easier on her if possible. But don't worry if you have to leave early or have time out or whatever, lots of kids get overwhelmed at parties

Googlecanthelpme · 18/09/2022 20:34

Sounds really difficult OP.

I suppose you have to look at it like, is she missing out if it’s not something she’d enjoy or even mostly enjoy?

”Missing out” means you’ve missed something which you would have benefited from, enjoyed or liked to be part of.

if this event is something that 90% DD will not enjoy or benefit from then I would not take her and she won’t actually be missing out.

It must be really hard but ultimately you are the adult so you do have to make the decisions on what is best for DD right now. If that means avoiding triggering situations then so be it.

i have personally not taken my DC to events before bc the timing was too close to nap time or too late or too far in the car etc. I don’t feel guilty about it - i make the decisions based on what it better for them overall, not just for the hour or that moment

ipswichwitch · 18/09/2022 20:46

These things have always gone better for my autistic DS if we’ve done a visit to the place first, so he gets to make an informed decision about going to the party, and I can plan escape routes, and work out possible triggers.
for anything I know is going to take it out of him, we keep his day very calm and low demand before and after the event. I’d have a word with the parents of the birthday child and explain you may need to bail at short notice - since the other kids have disabilities the parents will likely understand. We’ve been to a number of events with other autistic kids, and the fact the parents are in the same boat really takes pressure off us as parents!

Hymnulop · 18/09/2022 20:54

Whatsthepointofmosquitos · 18/09/2022 18:13

Take her, she can’t just miss out on this kind of thing because it’s hard - and I can see that it’s so hard 🙈

Take headphones, work out in advance if there is an area where you can take her to calm down (outside? Loo? Corridor?) and stay with her as much as you can.

Warn the host that the event has a lot of triggers for your DD and that you might have to whisk her away discreetly and that the host should not be offended if you suddenly disappear.

My DD isn’t autistic, but struggles greatly with loud noise, and I’ve had to leave several parties - on one occasion about ten minutes after arriving! People remember that you came, brought a present, made an effort and tried to make it work, and it keeps you and DD included in the group.

Go. When it eventually goes wrong, don’t string it out or say goodbye or make a fuss, just discreetly take DD home.

Going to events like this, even if only for ten minutes, is an important part of teaching her how to cope with the world. The brutal truth is that you won’t always be around to look after her and she has to build some coping mechanisms. She can’t do that if she isn’t exposed to difficult situations.

Absolutely this! Please take her.

Noteverybodylives · 18/09/2022 21:36

No I probably wouldn’t take her if you don’t feel confident in dealing with her meltdowns around other parents.

If there’s any way to go for a short time you could try it but it’s probably better to wait for a party that’s earlier on in the day.

It sounds harsh but if going is going to distress your child - then forcing her to go is less fair than allowing her to stay home.

Noteverybodylives · 18/09/2022 21:42

“Missing out” means you’ve missed something which you would have benefited from, enjoyed or liked to be part of.

if this event is something that 90% DD will not enjoy or benefit from then I would not take her and she won’t actually be missing out.

I agree.

I have been guilty of forcing my DD to do things so they don’t miss out but if it causes them stress or they don’t enjoy it, then not going isn’t missing out.
It took me a long time to realise that.

I also work in a school for SEND students and some things, certain kids do not attend.
Either because they’ll be distressed or because their meltdowns will affect all of the other kids around them.

I know one child that will have a massive meltdown, scream, cry and smash the birthday child’s cake to pieces, so their parent doesn’t let them go even if it is their siblings party, as she’ll end up ruining it.

Hesma · 18/09/2022 22:56

Let her try, bring ear defenders and come home if it’s too much

BakedTattie · 18/09/2022 23:00

My boy sounds exactly the same as your daughter.

i never make him miss a party. He goes to a mainstream school so gets invited to
all sorts. I take him, but usually message the mum beforehand to say I may need to slip out with him if he has a meltdown. this is usually the case, but it’s actually fine. I’ve never been embarrassed, because he can’t help it.

I would try take your daughter, and leave if need be. And try not to stress it too much.