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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make DD miss out on this birthday party?

40 replies

MumAdvice92 · 18/09/2022 17:37

So DD has been invited to her first ever birthday party but I really am in two minds about whether to take her or not… she’s 6 and parents have to stay at the party due to all the children having disabilities (DD is autistic).

On the one hand, it’s a little girl from school that she has become very close to and she says that she does want to go.

On the other hand - the party doesn’t start until near enough the evening (5.30pm) and this is around the time when her behaviour starts to get worse because of being tired, and second of all because of the environment the party is in (indoor adventure playground) there are so many triggers that she can’t tolerate - loud music, loads of children around, she’s not going to tolerate the birthday cake and singing or basically the event not revolving around her (she doesn’t understand that it’s someone else’s birthday event and not her own).

I really don’t know what to do, I don’t want her missing out on things because of her autism or her then being excluded from future parties but equally her behaviour has been so aggressive and destructive recently and I know every little thing about this party is going to trigger her off and I don’t feel confident enough to handle that level of behaviour in front of a group of parents I’ve never even met before (she goes on school transport). Yes we could go and leave if she does start but how that would look is having to drag a screaming child who is hitting and punching themselves and you out of the door and I just don’t know if I have the mental strength for that at the moment because it’s starting to really get me down now just in general.

Has anyone got some advice please? And please be kind as I’m just a mum who is really struggling at the moment!

OP posts:

zurala · 18/09/2022 23:03

Speaking as an autistic adult, there's nothing positive to be gained from your daughter's perspective from being taken to an environment she won't cope with. You would be setting her up to fail.
We don't have to learn to deal with all situations as a pp suggested. I avoid situations that will be too hard for me to deal with and there's no shame in that.
Please put your daughter's welfare first.

Marvellousmadness · 18/09/2022 23:07

Reread your message op

You state your dd woildnt tolerate the place, the singing, the overstimulatie. You say her behaviour gets really bad at the end of the night.

AND you say she wouldnt even understand who the party is for.

Then why bother???

Just send a message to the mum that invited you. Thank her and explain why you can't make it

For an invite for kids with disabilities i find the timeslot AND the place bizarre....

Goosebarnacle · 04/03/2023 11:03

Marvellousmadness · 18/09/2022 23:07

Reread your message op

You state your dd woildnt tolerate the place, the singing, the overstimulatie. You say her behaviour gets really bad at the end of the night.

AND you say she wouldnt even understand who the party is for.

Then why bother???

Just send a message to the mum that invited you. Thank her and explain why you can't make it

For an invite for kids with disabilities i find the timeslot AND the place bizarre....

Because the child wants to? I know that want will come from a place of not knowing what a party actually involves, but she won't know unless she tries it.
There might be some benefits even if you leave early.

rainbowstardrops · 04/03/2023 11:05

@Goosebarnacle this was from September last year. I don't imagine it's still an issue!

zingally · 04/03/2023 12:38

I'd give her a chance, especially as she's keen to try it.

Could you do a social story beforehand? Explaining why it's a special day for the birthday child, and what might happen at the party?

Goosebarnacle · 04/03/2023 12:42

rainbowstardrops · 04/03/2023 11:05

@Goosebarnacle this was from September last year. I don't imagine it's still an issue!

😆 I keep clicking on the similar threads suggestions, thinking they are trending 🤦‍♀️

rainbowstardrops · 04/03/2023 12:45

@Goosebarnacle 🤣

SnowAndFrostOutside · 04/03/2023 12:51

Take her and explain to the mum that you might need to leave early. Even in a main stream school, people are very understanding of this. I remember we had the number of the mum for an autistic child for school disco. The mum stayed near in case the son can’t cope, just so he wouldn’t miss out. Sounds like you are in a special school and I think the other parents will be even more understanding.

SnowAndFrostOutside · 04/03/2023 12:52

Oh no zombie thread!

MistyFrequencies · 04/03/2023 13:00

She wants to go. Take her. Message the parent before to explain a quick exit might have to happen as you think it may be an overwhelming environment for her. Have an exit plan. My boy is Autistic so i do understand but i think because SHE wants to go you have to try. The other parents will understand if it gets difficult, particularly given their kids have disabilities too.
We did my daughters bday late evening in a play centre because we could book the whole place, calmer for my son. They also kept the lights/music lower for us. Other kids didnt notice but made all the difference to him. So maybe it will be more peaceful an environment than you think?

MistyFrequencies · 04/03/2023 13:01

Oh just realised how old this is....

JMSA · 04/03/2023 13:02

I would give it a chance. I hope it goes well.

Buttonjugs · 06/03/2023 12:44

zurala · 18/09/2022 23:03

Also an autistic adult with an autistic son, and I totally agree. I get so fed up with neurotypical people saying we need to adapt to their world. We don’t.

Murdoch1949 · 06/03/2023 16:55

Accept invitation. Talk to her beforehand about behaviour. If she struggles just leave. But definitely give her the opportunity.

Xmasbaby11 · 06/03/2023 17:00

I get that it's hard but I would take her if she is keen. It might be a disaster but a least you've tried. The other parents will understand.

My DD has ASD in mainstream and absolutely loves parties and I have taken her to all of them I could. Some were difficult but we managed, and i think in my DD's case she did gradually learn about social interaction.

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