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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect people on buses to keep their comments to themselves?

69 replies

Lazylou · 24/01/2008 00:07

DD and I went out today to do some shopping. DD is almost 4 and I am 22 weeks pg. We were sitting on the seats on the bus that give priority for those 'less able to stand' so I felt we were ok to be sitting there. I don't normally let DD take up a whole seat to herself, I find it is not necessary when she (normally) fits easily on my lap, particularly if the bus is packed.

But today, the bus was packed, there is little room for DD to sit on my lap so I left her where she was. An older lady and gentleman got onto the bus, shot DD and I a filthy look and then preceeded to mutter for the whole duration of the ride about kids sitting on chairs when they could sit on 'the mother's knee'. They were standing just behind us and were hardly keeping their voices down. I then started talking to DD loudly about the baby and shifting about in my seat a bit just to make a point as I am too much of a coward to say anything to them.

What really irks me is I would normally stand for older people on buses, even when there are younger people on them. I just got wound up that I felt the comments were being aimed at us when there were plenty of other people who could have offered their seats.

Can I just add, that this has nothing to do with the thread about kids giving up their seats at the swimming lesson. Actually, reading that thread reminded me of today so I thought I would ask AIBU?

OP posts:

bookwormmum · 24/01/2008 11:01

I've not been pg with a child to seat as well. The nearest I've come to it was sitting my dd(7) on my lap on a crowded tube train last summer coming back from London. I let her sit on a seat going up but coming back I was concious that we'd not paid a fare for her and there were about 400 people in the carriage so I thought she ought to sit on my lap. Nearly squashing me in the processs, I might add. If I'd been pg it would have been out of the question - she would have had to have the seat while I took my chance hanging onto the pole.

On buses, I wouldn't eject her from a seat since she'd probably get trampled but I might stand myself to let someone else have my seat. As loads of people have said though yours wasn't the only seat on the bus. I bet plenty of able-bodied folk were sitting down. There's often spaces upstairs as well but so many people stand by the stairs to make getting off quicker, no one seems to think of going up there.

VictorianSqualor · 24/01/2008 11:06

When I get on the bus I ALWAYS go straight to the back, ebcause I have no rpoblem walking, but I get pissed off when I see people sitting happily in the seats at the front, when someone is trying to get on the bus with a buggy and no-one moves, the seats at the front are for buggies and wheelchairs, then elderly/infirm then whoever else.

I've posted a thread on ehre before about how rude elderly people seem to be, it's often as if good manners go out the window.

hatrick · 24/01/2008 11:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mumzyof2 · 24/01/2008 11:15

I would have sat my ds on my knee too, and im 7 mnths pregnant.
I didnt mean just those old people, but surely EVERY old person that is mean or rude to people regarding seats, doesnt have an illness that renders them unable to stand? For example, the man who screamed at me last week, made me move my car, after snapping my windscreen wiper, and calling me all types of names in front of my 3 yr old, as he believed he I had unknowingly parked in a disabled space on a caravan park. There was no disabled sign, just a very faded yellow line, and it looked just like all the other spaces. But when I went there again yesterday to visit my dad, he had parked in the disabled space, and DOESNT EVEN HAVE A DISABLED BADGE! Its plain rudeness a lot of the time.
Yes, a lot of people deserve the seats more than pg people, or people with children, but not ALL oaps.

Alambil · 24/01/2008 11:35

You paid for the seats therefore you were entitled to sit there.

I wouldn't let a small child stand for a bus journey - the way bus drivers drive, it is far too dangerous; kids can't keep their balance in such erratic conditions (as per busses round here!), adults usually can.

Old people seem to think the world owes them something - the fact that we pay our way just as much as they did/do is beside the point.

Clearly if someone CANNOT stand that is different to just being old therefore "deserving" the right to a seat being offered.

On top of that, they were rude so should get no respect - what sort of example was that to a young child?! DS would have probably announced how rude they were in a rather loud voice to me too - perhaps you could chat about that with your DC next time lol

mumzyof2 · 24/01/2008 11:37

LewisFan - thats what I was trying to say, but you said it without sounding like an OAP hating lunatic!!

Haylstones · 24/01/2008 11:41

YANBU re them being rude- they shouldn't have been talking about other passengers. However, I have been in that situation and have managed to sit my 4yo on my lap and I'm 35+ weeks pg. It wasn't overly comfortable but I'd rather give my seat to someone who needed it more than she did.

Kimi · 24/01/2008 12:02

I posted this on another thread the other day ,

DS1 missed his bus home the other week, was then sat at a bus stop for 20 minuets, he was the first person there, some old women came and sat at the bus stop and when the bus came started telling DS1 "I hope you not going to get on in front of us" (bus stops there empties out and sets off again) and then pushed in front of him anyway.

DS1 thought they were very rude as he would have let them on first anyway.

And the other week some old chap with a walking stick rapped DS1 on the ankle,( If I had of been there I would have taken the bloody stick and belted him with it) because DS1 did not get up and offer him his bus seat. Ds1 was on crutches at the time .

Being old does not make you special.

Kimi · 24/01/2008 12:02

I posted this on another thread the other day ,

DS1 thought they were very rude as he would have let them on first anyway.

Being old does not make you special.

Kimi · 24/01/2008 12:02

??????

macdoodle · 24/01/2008 12:05

YANBU I don't think it is safe for a 4 yr old to stand on a bus especially if mum is pregnant what of she falls gets knocked over mum wouldn't be abe to help as easily - glad you stayed where you were

ladylush · 24/01/2008 12:14

Agree with macdoodle. I also think that a mum and young child are easy prey for people because like you said, the bus was full of other people who could've but didn't offer their seat.

thebecster · 24/01/2008 12:15

I get quite a kick out of talking straight to passive-aggressives. Very perverse of me... But I think I would have said something, probably 'Hello, can't help overhearing what you are saying about me. I'm sure you aren't expecting a pregant mother with a small child to stand for you, but perhaps one of the other people here could? Perhaps if you asked them?' With lots of eye contact and 'niceness'. I just love seeing them get all flustered. Passive aggressives really touch a raw nerve with me... Although would only do this if they looked unlikely to beat me with their canes

ladylush · 24/01/2008 12:16

Yes that is an excellent approach

Original poster

Lazylou · 24/01/2008 12:24

Thanks for your comments. I live in South East London and this is pretty much par for the course around here. Maybe I should have sat DD on my lap for the entire hour long journey, but the comments riled me and in the end, I thought I would leave her where she was. She always kicks off about sitting on my knee because as she says 'I'm not a baby' so it seemed the lesser of two evils to leave her where she was.

Plus there were plenty of other people who could have given up their seats, it just felt that because we were sitting at the front of the bus, we were being given a hard time about it.

OP posts:

bookwormmum · 24/01/2008 12:29

I was glared at once for sitting in the 'elderly/disabled' seats when I was about 12wks pg. I'd been out all day and quite frankly felt as though I was uanble to walk any further or I'd collapse (I went straight to bed when I got home). Didn't stop comments but then it wasn't apparent I was pg - I'd have probably thought some askance thoughts had I been another passenger. I actually zoned any tuts out since I was concentrating my efforts on getting home in one piece.

carmenelectra · 24/01/2008 12:33

No one ever seems to give up their seats for preg women do they?

Old 'uns are terribly rude at times. A few wks ago i got on bus with pushcahir and sat in the designated seats for pushchairs/wheelchair etc. A woman sat opposite with a quite big pram. Two 'oldish' women got on and complained(well one did, the other just listened) that pushchairs were a bloody nuisance and you couldnt get on the bus properly cos they were in the way. She was looking at the other woman with the bigger pram(she didnt hear). She old bat proceeded to go on and say that in her day you had to collapse your pram and carry your baby. I was tempted(and wish i had) to say that funnily enough since the 1950's, things have moved on and buses are now actually designed so you can walk on with your pushchair.

I wouldnt have minded but there was stacks of room on the bus. If she had been referring to me id have given her a mouthful.

thebecster · 24/01/2008 12:40

Yes I got a telling off from an elderly lady when PG. I was on the Tube, train was stuck in a tunnel and was feeling very faint. Heard someone say 'Would you like to sit down?' and I was gratefully accepting when a lady (about 60ish I'd say) said 'I think I'm a bit older than you, dear!' and pushed me aside to sit down. But because of my above tendencies to be verbal I replied 'Oh, I'm sorry I misunderstood, and thought I was getting the seat because I'm pregnant and feeling a bit faint' and then someone else stood up to give me the seat (bless them, bless, bless). So she had me sitting next to her with my head in my hands for the rest of the journey and don't think she enjoyed having me there at all! I very rarely got a seat on Tube when PG, but whenever there was a Polish builder with paint-splashed overalls they always leapt to their feet, and quite a few women gave me seats. But never an English man, not in the whole 40 weeks. How sad.

carmenelectra · 24/01/2008 12:41

Oh its got me going now!

On Saturday i got on the bus with pushchair again and ds1 who is 8. I sat in the 'pushchair seats and ds1 sat at the back of the bus. A handicapped man got on with his carer and no one bloody shifted to make space for him. So i gave him my seat and then had to stand for the whole journey, which of course i didnt mind one bit,except there were loads of seats that others could have offered him and they could haave sat elsewhere. I couldnt move further down the bus cos of having the baby in the pushchair. So i am the only prat standing, when all it would have taken would have been someone at the front of the bus to give him their seat and moved further back and then everyone could have had a seat.

Does that make sense? What i mean is basically there were plenty of seats, its just that he needed one close to the front! And no one else at the front got up to offer their seat except the only woman with a little baby(me!).

GetOrfMoiLand · 24/01/2008 13:00

Oh bloody buses!

I would say that you were right to have done as you did, if you weren't pg it would have been good to take dd on your lap, but you ARE pg, and I am sure you would have been pretty uncomfortable with a pg belly and your dd on your knee (wriggling away no doubt)

I hate passenger CHUNTERING. I understand why you were cheesed off.

expatinscotland · 24/01/2008 13:02

Old people piss me off.

I got comments like this when I was hugely pregnant with DD2 and horribly swollen as well.

I just turned the iPod up louder.

Viggoswife · 24/01/2008 13:03

I would certainly NOT have asked my 4 year old to stand for an older person who appeared in good health. Why should they? I would have if possible put my 4 year old on my lap but if not enough room would have explained that I was pregnant or if older people had been as rude as OP says would not have said anything and ignored them for the duration of the journey while thoroughly enjoying the comfort of my seat .

Why are children less deserving of comfortable and safer journey than adults I have to ask? They are smaller and not as physically developed so much more likely to fall over on a moving vehicle.

VictorianSqualor · 24/01/2008 13:09

I think public transport just brings out the worst in people.

I remember once getting on the bus at 3:15 outside DD's school (surely thats an indication there will be children on it???) the bus was empty except for a rather snotty lady in the very first seat, the person in the queue in front of me got on and her child has SN, he was obviously excited by the bus and was making quite a bit of noise and ran to the back to sit down.

My two ran past the woman and went to sit down too whilst I was in the queue but on the bus iyswim.

The snotty woman was on the phone and held her phoe to her mouth shouting into it that she would have to call the person back, 'how on earth she was expected to make an important business call when there was such a dreadful racket' etc etc, the mother of the other boy went bright red and looked like she was going to cry, yes he was being loud, but it's a bus not a library!

Anyway, I tutted loudly and remarked on how it amazed me that some people seemed to think the apporpriate place for a business conversation was a bus at end of school, and flicked the snotty old bitch a look, it really annoyed me how she thought she had a right to make someone feel as uncomfortable as the other mother.

Ineedacleaner · 24/01/2008 15:22

Many moons ago when my mum was pg with my brother she was on a busy bus in Glasgow and another lady got on with her babe in arms. Nobody got up to offer her a seat except my 8 months pregnant mum. The woman told my mum to sit where she was but my mum said that hers was safer where it was than hers was if she stood and not one other person moed to let my mum sit down.

PurlyQueen · 24/01/2008 15:51

This is why I am so glad that I passed my driving test and never have to rely on public transport.

I got so sick of having to fight commuters for seats on the Tube or never being offered a seat in the first place that if I have to travel into London I'd rather pay the congestion charge and parking fees than endure the hell that is public transport.

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