To think we don’t ‘do’ dying and death well in the UK

[FrenchFancie]

I’m currently sitting vigil with my grandmother who at 96 is slowly dying - she’s had a lovely long life but a miserable old age riddled with cancer that has robbed her of her sight, and now led to a broken hip and shoulder. She is settled with pain relief and slowly slipping away but this isn’t the quick clean death she would have wanted.

i don’t want to open a euthanasia debate (really can’t cope with that right now!) but I’ve noticed that many people are very very awkward around death and some have even gone so far as to tell me she might recover (she really won’t). AIBU to think we as a culture don’t handle death well? How do we I prove that? Do other cultures do better or is this unease with death a uniform human experience?

Thanks SparkyBlue.

I agree. My brother died recently of cancer and I was so traumatised by seeing him die and all that went with it because I had never been properly exposed to grief (didn't attend grandparents funerals etc). After having bereavement counselling,I am so glad I was there in his last moments and hope that my own death can be surrounded by those I love. We also took my 4 year old daughter to the funeral and she talks about him and his death in a healthy open way.
I talk about him and his death freely and I'm sure it might make some people uncomfortable.

Yea. The English come up with ridiculous things to say, such as

'She's got this!' Or 'Praying for a miracle' or 'it's not over till it's over'

About my poorly babies in NICU. Who died, and I told them they were dying but still it isn't believed until you announce it

And then people avoid you in the street. Or don't mention them ever again.

My family are from Spain. Very open talk about death, and children are exposed to it. It is a fact of life. Nobody can be shielded from it, as it can happen to anyone and for so many reasons. Children need to be prepared for that

Despite how open and frank we are as a family about death, we seem to cry the hardest and show emotion more openly too

Odd. My dad is English so I've nothing against English people, I am English! I was born here. But you got what I meant

The trouble is everyone reacts differently to the death of a loved one. When FIL died we had a continuous stream of family and friends knocking on the door. Now some people would like that but MIL got to the 'oh God, who is it now. Can't they just give me some peace" stage.

And personally I can't think of anything worse than family surrounding my bed watching me die. Just leave me be.

I do think there's an awkwardness to British culture in this area. YYY to the poster who mentioned the euphemisms - passed away and passed - died, dead, dying are perfectly fine words yet people won't say them.

My mum (Irish) had me choose readings and hymns for her funeral and go over them with her. She's fit and healthy at 88 and a half, but she's prepared. Her will has been made for years. She has a funeral fund in the bank and recently reupped the family grave lease. I've told my DCs what they're to do with me when I die and where I'm to be buried, and I've gone over the grave business with them. My will is made.

Dad's family (his mother came from an Anglo background) were all a bit more skittish about wills. Mum packed dad off, protesting, to do his with his solicitor family member as soon as he turned 65. Dad felt a bit superstitious about it.

I wonder if the horrible delay between death and funeral observances that seems to be the norm in the UK plays a role in reducing the community spirit? In Ireland and the US (and presumably in British communities where prompt burial of the dead is done for religious reasons) a funeral and burial will take place soon after the death. This necessitates a lot of communication and notification or people might miss the opportunity to go to the wake and funeral.

In the community I live in in the US wakes are big, and people drop flowers and all sorts of essential food and home made dinners and desserts to the home for weeks afterwards.

At the wake there are baskets to drop a condolence card into, and the envelopes usually have cash inside too. Funerals can cost quite a bit, and often there's a home to be cleared and disposed of as well, and a delay until funds are released after probate.

Overall there's a practical and helpful approach, no shying away from reality.

@Babdoc
The communities I'm describing would be largely RC in both Ireland and the US. I've also seen several funerals in the local Unitarian community. In all cases there's a pull together approach by the community, and lots of support for the bereaved.

@bagboo 🌹I felt the same when my lovely mum was dying. I just wanted her suffering to end.

People keep saying the Irish way is better than the English. I would have found people viewing my mum's emaciated body distressing. And I didn't want hordes of people around either.

Our neighbours were kind and respectful but I was heartbroken and wouldn't have taken comfort in a wake.

Let's just respect people's different ways of dealing with death and grieving.