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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think my boyfriend lies to me

41 replies

Tapp · 17/09/2022 14:42

My boyfriend and I broke up a few weeks ago and blocked each other on all social media. However, we reconnected and I asked if he could unblock me and he said he would do it there and then. When I looked over at his phone, I saw a name on there which I recognised as being one which views ALL my instagram stories; they don't follow me on instagram, but whenever I check to see who has viewed them, this name always crops up.

I asked him about it and he got super cagey (he says the reason he got cagey was because his ex was on the block list, but he knows I already know who is ex is and have viewed her Facebook before). I asked why he had blocked this person and he said because he had received an explicit message from them back in 2018 and it freaked him out - he said he thought it was a man and the name is gender neutral - so he blocked.

Since then I haven't been able to let it go, so I asked him to unblock the person so we could see their Facebook and it's very much a woman. Her info says she lives abroad, but when you look through her pictures there are photos from our home town. I messaged her on instagram and asked how she knew me. When she didn't respond I screen shot her profile picture and shared it to my instagram to try to provoke a reaction and she blocked me (understandable).

So I asked my boyfriend to message her and ask why she was stalking my socials and she replied with "not because I like you, time to block you"...

Do you think this is a coincidence or do you think my bf knows her?

He's lied about a couple of other things and before we got together, he was one of those needy types with women on social media...incessant comments to every woman, only following hot girls, casting his net wide, just general desperate behaviour, which caused a few rows early on.

I haven't made it an especially safe environment for him to share, as I've been irritated and have felt jealous by his social media habits.

It's not that something might have happened with this girl that bothers me, it's the fact that he is minimising how weird it is that she stalks me 4 years after he felt the need to block her for something (now he's not even sure if she did send him a message) and has lived/visited our rural home town, surely he knows her and I just want him to tell the truth.

He fell out with me over this and although he has messaged to apologise, I haven't yet responded nor has he followed up and it's been three days...

Should I message, wait or move on?

OP posts:
1FootInTheRave · 17/09/2022 14:44

What on earth are you doing?

He's a desperate sleazeball and this all sounds very juvenile.

Raul57 · 17/09/2022 14:45

Help yourself and move on as there are plenty of fish in the sea.
You want to marry someone perfect and then there is always a chance of the OH being a cheat/nasty and more but if any doubts before long-term life, MOVE ON

DoItAfraid · 17/09/2022 14:45

Move on. This all sounds too much like hard work.

Getofftheladder · 17/09/2022 14:46

Move on, this relationship dynamic is unhealthy.

Tractordiggerdump · 17/09/2022 14:47

How old are you? 14?

GoodbyeErinsborough · 17/09/2022 14:47

I just can't.

Maybe you need to give it a bit of time?

ManateeFair · 17/09/2022 14:47

Your relationship is not remotely healthy. Get rid of him and move on. He’s not going to change and he’s clearly chasing women all over the place.

OctopusBreath · 17/09/2022 14:47

You screenshot her picture and posted it yourself? That is unhinged.

girlmom21 · 17/09/2022 14:50

Not that you'll be able to see it now because he unblocked her but if you go on your block list on messenger you can see the exact date someone was blocked.

Aside from that you sound really immature and dramatic and this relationship is never going to work out.

Testina · 17/09/2022 14:51

“one of those needy types with women on social media...incessant comments to every woman, only following hot girls, casting his net wide, just general desperate behaviour, which caused a few rows early on.”

And you got together with him not once, but twice? FGS take a look at your poor decision making instead of distracting yourself with all the socials nonsense. Raise your expectations and also grow up.

Aprilx · 17/09/2022 14:55

I don’t even know what I just read. If you don’t want people to follow you on instagram then don’t have instagram. To be honest, they don’t sound any better or worse than you do. Why not step away from social media for a bit if it causes you this level of angst.

Original poster
Tapp · 17/09/2022 15:24

A little...I know "gaslighting" is an overused term, but I feel like my nerves have been shredded after months of having obvious concerns/queries/insights into other issues minimised or denied - I deleted the post within minutes, but she had already seen it, which to me says that she looks me up obsessively (she didn't follow me so had to be typing my name in the search bar frequently throughout the day to view my stories) - this and his previous blocking of her would suggest that they do know each other and I just want him to be able to at least admit that because I feel like I'm going crazy every time he says he doesn't know her or why he blocked her or why she looks at me...

OP posts:
steff13 · 17/09/2022 15:35

If by "move on" you mean break up with the boyfriend, that's what you should do. This sounds exhausting.

youarntaguest · 17/09/2022 15:47

How old are you both 13 ?

Aquamarine1029 · 17/09/2022 15:50

Why in the fuck would you waste even one second of your life on this dipshit? Honestly, op, raise the bar.

Notimeforaname · 17/09/2022 15:54

This is fucking ridiculous. The drama. I presume you're both very young or just very immature.

Yes he knows her, perhaps he was seeing you both at the same time and dumped her.who knows. He is a liar and you say yourself he desperately messages women for attention.

Do yourself a huge favour and stop talking to him. You can find better than that.

This is a horrible way to live life.

Brideandpredjudice · 17/09/2022 16:04

Can't make head or tails of the situation to be honest.

You shared a random girls picture on your page? That's just weird.

I imagine if she was able to view your pictures without being your friend/follower, then you need to change your privacy settings. Why set it up so anyone can see it and then get angry at people for doing so?

TempName01 · 17/09/2022 16:07

Are you sure the profile isn’t a fake one your boyfriend uses to stalk you when he is blocked?

Original poster
Tapp · 17/09/2022 16:11

It's a professional account, I don't have a private account. She can view my stories if she wants to, I just want him to explain her interest in me since she's clearly someone from his past.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tapp · 17/09/2022 16:12

I haven't ever blocked him on instagram, jut once on Facebook after being sick of him doing it to me. I didn't really use social media for anything other than close friends and family and profession before him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tapp · 17/09/2022 16:15

I know I should't have shared her pic...she didn't use a pic on instagram - I think she set up her instagram to stalk my bf through me as my instagram is professional page and Facebook totally private - I'd seen her name on many occasions and just thought "great someone enjoys my content" but then when I saw the same name on his blocked list I asked him to explain and he got mad...I guess I shared her pic as a way of saying I know who you are because I thought she might be the OW...I know it was wrong and it's crazy and I don't want to be crazy.

OP posts:
Katnissx · 17/09/2022 16:25

Yes clearly something happened in the past with this women, I think you need to have an honest convo with bf and tell him you can't trust him if he's not honest with you etc and if he doesn't tell you the truth/you don't feel like you can trust him then you should break it off. Hope you're ok X

ladydimitrescu · 17/09/2022 16:26

Sorry but you sound completely insane. Stop this behaviour and leave the girl alone.

Original poster
Tapp · 17/09/2022 16:31

She voluntarily came into my life and in a very cloak and dagger way; I behaved irrationally and immediately deleted the post (not before she had typed my name once again into her search bar for the third time that day to view the story - might she also me a little insane?) but I think given her obvious connection to my boyfriend and his blind refusal to explain or even acknowledge the suspiciousness of it all, I was hoping some of the insanity might be viewed with degree compassion?

OP posts:
Testina · 17/09/2022 16:51

“I don't want to be crazy”
Then stop putting so much importance on socials, and ditch the loser boyfriend?