'Chill out with the baby'

[Idontknowwhatto]

Am genuinely interested in your views.

Have a sweet, placid, easy going 7 month old baby who is breastfed.

Also have two slightly older kids. My husband is very good around the house and very very active in his parenting. I do, however, get annoyed in the way in which he thinks he is giving me a break.

He will say he is taking the older two out to give me a break, so I can 'chill out with the baby'. Or, he will send me and the baby to the bedroom with the baby, telling me to relax with her.

In theory, maybe when we are lying on the bed as I feed her, and I'm scrolling on my phone, it looks super chilled. However, while it's physically low key, it's not really that relaxing breastfeeding as my break. Even when the baby falls asleep and I get a moment to doze off too, she could wake at any moment (she only takes micronaps)

So, while it may look like I'm chilling out, I'm either feeding, or grabbing a few moments sleep before the baby wakes. I constantly feel on high alert, always ready to be called to action. There is no switch off.

This is the nature of breastfeeding, of which I really am well aware and my husband's heart really is in the right place. He is great, really.

I just cannot help but get increasingly annoyed when he tells me to 'get some rest with the baby' or 'go and chill out with the baby'. I just don't really feel like I can!

Honest answers please! Do you feel you can fully rest while in charge of a baby, even if they are the sweetest, most docile little baby ever?

AIBU: breastfeeding in a calm, quiet atmosphere while looking at your phone is a good way to rest and recharge.
YANBU: it's not restful when you are on duty, even if you're not technically doing much.

Have you told him this or are you expecting him to have the power to read minds?

A weekly evening craft group in a bar was what worked for me. I took our baby with me for the first three months but then she started to get disturbed by the light and noise and very grumpy there. So I started leaving her at home with DH whilst I went out. He struggled initially but soon got the hang of settling her for sleep - it helped boost his confidence, gave me a much needed break so win win all round.

I also found the crèche at my local leisure centre a big help. I didn't use it until later on as had no idea it was there but then discovered I could have left her there for up to two hours from six months old. There were loads of mums having a relaxing swim or going to the spa whilst their baby was there. We had no family help so there was no one else to take the baby so having somewhere like this made a huge difference to how I was feeling.

Mmm that does sound like chilling out with the baby to me. Nothing wrong with that!

That is a really great analogy!

@catsnore
That is funny until you look at the assumptions behind it.

It's the opinion of a man who has no idea what's involved in adequate supervision of a small child and care of a baby.

It's the guiding philosoohy of many men I have observed in playgrounds who basically sit there chatting or playing in their phones while others - women mainly - rescue the toddler from the top of the slide and rock the baby for them.

It's disgracefully bad behaviour.

I’m in the same boat but my husband has offered for me to go out whenever I want (baby has just started taking a bottle). Tbh sometimes going out baby free with the older two is more of a break, even though mine is also quite chilled out.

i do enjoy breastfeeding moments though, and depending on what else was going on it can seem like a break

just speak to your DH and ask him to take all 3 of them for a short while in between feeds so you can have a proper child free break. The way I see it I regularly juggle 3 of them after school and before school so he’s more than capable of doing the same now and then.

I'm going to be more direct in future. I gaslight myself sometimes and don't know if I'm being irrational which is why I wanted everyone's opinions before brining it up. I have been thinking about it and I do have an irrational and unfair resentment of his lifestyle and possibly the way he plays down all the childfree time he has and bigs up my 'chill out time' to put them on some kind of equal footing. That's something we can talk about too.

I totally get you OP. My partner sounds very similar and we definitely do split everything evenly, he is supportive etc. he used to say similar things to me when we had our second and it used to grate on me. Like he was letting us have a lie in etc - even though I’ve been up breastfeeding in the night,
. I think though the most annoying thing is they can never understand the pressure you feel as the only person who can feed the baby! Like even going for a bath on your own isn’t relaxing because you may get called to feed…as the baby is older if he takes them all out - it’s not totally relaxing as you have that guilt about being the one with the milk. What if the baby is hungry/thirsty/needs comforting. You really can never truly switch off when breastfeeding a baby under 1. And they probably just won’t understand that.