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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Chill out with the baby'

58 replies

Idontknowwhatto · 17/09/2022 14:16

Am genuinely interested in your views.

Have a sweet, placid, easy going 7 month old baby who is breastfed.

Also have two slightly older kids. My husband is very good around the house and very very active in his parenting. I do, however, get annoyed in the way in which he thinks he is giving me a break.

He will say he is taking the older two out to give me a break, so I can 'chill out with the baby'. Or, he will send me and the baby to the bedroom with the baby, telling me to relax with her.

In theory, maybe when we are lying on the bed as I feed her, and I'm scrolling on my phone, it looks super chilled. However, while it's physically low key, it's not really that relaxing breastfeeding as my break. Even when the baby falls asleep and I get a moment to doze off too, she could wake at any moment (she only takes micronaps)

So, while it may look like I'm chilling out, I'm either feeding, or grabbing a few moments sleep before the baby wakes. I constantly feel on high alert, always ready to be called to action. There is no switch off.

This is the nature of breastfeeding, of which I really am well aware and my husband's heart really is in the right place. He is great, really.

I just cannot help but get increasingly annoyed when he tells me to 'get some rest with the baby' or 'go and chill out with the baby'. I just don't really feel like I can!

Honest answers please! Do you feel you can fully rest while in charge of a baby, even if they are the sweetest, most docile little baby ever?

AIBU: breastfeeding in a calm, quiet atmosphere while looking at your phone is a good way to rest and recharge.
YANBU: it's not restful when you are on duty, even if you're not technically doing much.

OP posts:
TockClicking · 17/09/2022 15:22

With dc3 Dh would get me to feed him and then would send me to bed for a nap. Literally kept me going just to have that time away from the baby on weekends!

MolliciousIntent · 17/09/2022 15:24

I have a toddler, and I definitely count DH taking her out and leaving me with just the baby as having a break! Me and 7m DD often spend lovely hours feeding, snuggling and watching TV. Once you've got 2+ kids, hanging out with just the baby is almost as good as hanging out solo, I find!

RidingMyBike · 17/09/2022 15:25

We worked out how much childfree time we both had per week and then worked out how to make it reasonably equally split between us.

FarmerRefuted · 17/09/2022 15:25

It also used to annoy me when DH would treat me and the baby as one person, like some sort of homogeneous mass - Farmer-and-the-baby rather than simply Farmer as one entity and also The Baby as a separate entity. He was very quickly put right on that one when DC1 was small as it made me feel like I was losing my identity as a standalone person.

FarmerRefuted · 17/09/2022 15:27

Once you've got 2+ kids, hanging out with just the baby is almost as good as hanging out solo, I find!

I have 4 and while hanging out with just one (or even two) is lovely, it's really not as good as hanging out solo Grin

Everyone needs time off.

FrozenGhost · 17/09/2022 15:31

Totally see where you are coming from, it's the wording and implication that is what is annoying, not the behaviour.

My DH did a similar thing where he would go on about how he was going to go out with dc so I could have a lovely break, he'd go on and on about my relaxing break. Then they'd be home within 20 minutes! Now if he'd just said "I'm taking dc for a walk to the end of street, be back in 20", I wouldn't have minded.

misskatamari · 17/09/2022 15:34

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. At sounds like he just doesn't get it, not out of malice, just he doesn't understand that even though you are technically "relaxing" you still have to be mentally on and prepared to do something. Hopefully you just need to communicate this with him. Anyone reasonable, when it's pointed out that they get to do xyz completely free from childcare responsibilities, when their parent gets to do 0, will see the mismatch, and step up more. Yes you might not get as much free time as him currently, like you say, that's how it goes when bf, but you need some time to fully decompress and not be on alert ❤️

mathanxiety · 17/09/2022 16:12

YYY to the long distance driving analogy.

You should share it with him. It might resonate in a way that the demands of breastfeeding wouldn't.

Breastfeeding is portrayed as an idyllic, calm activity, a bubble of peace and tranquility, mummy and baby nestling together, in so many photos, ads, etc. But being on constant alert is the bit you never see, and you can't understand it unless you've been the one doing weeks (months) of night feeds as well as making sure nobody kills themselves during the day, and dealing with the mental exhaustion of two small children and their constant interruptions to your thoughts and plans.

Micronappers in particular will sap your will to live. I've had one. It's so hard to describe being constantly on edge and fearing that the sound of a pin dropping will wake the baby, with two other little ones buzzing around.

You need time off and if I were you and if you can afford it, I would book a regular Saturday afternoon yoga or watercolor painting class that would take at least three hours. You could just head to your local library or go for a long walk, or go to the cinema too. Switching off for a solid three hours gives you the mental break you need.

GingerGloucester · 17/09/2022 16:20

I think it sounds like a fair split for everyday stuff but once in a while it may be worth just saying you’re going out on a walk /for coffee etc. without any of the and could he mind the three of them just so you do get that time without any kids.

Original poster
Idontknowwhatto · 17/09/2022 16:24

mathanxiety · 17/09/2022 16:12

YYY to the long distance driving analogy.

You should share it with him. It might resonate in a way that the demands of breastfeeding wouldn't.

Breastfeeding is portrayed as an idyllic, calm activity, a bubble of peace and tranquility, mummy and baby nestling together, in so many photos, ads, etc. But being on constant alert is the bit you never see, and you can't understand it unless you've been the one doing weeks (months) of night feeds as well as making sure nobody kills themselves during the day, and dealing with the mental exhaustion of two small children and their constant interruptions to your thoughts and plans.

Micronappers in particular will sap your will to live. I've had one. It's so hard to describe being constantly on edge and fearing that the sound of a pin dropping will wake the baby, with two other little ones buzzing around.

You need time off and if I were you and if you can afford it, I would book a regular Saturday afternoon yoga or watercolor painting class that would take at least three hours. You could just head to your local library or go for a long walk, or go to the cinema too. Switching off for a solid three hours gives you the mental break you need.

This is my exact experience. It's the mental alertness that never ever stops. Last week I met a friend for a glass of Coke and a chat one afternoon. I was gone about 2.5 hours and that was the only time I have had away from the baby since she was born (apart from dropping my older daughter at a dance class and getting the groceries while I waited once). The baby still wakes many times through the night and I'm the only one who can settle her. I actually can't remember how much child free time DH has had as there has just been so much. I guess it is the language that has annoyed me, in that it's painted that I'm having some kind of spa treatment equivalent when I feel mentally overwhelmed with always being on call. My older kids aren't toddlers and so when they go to the park they just dart off with their friends, and when they are at home will watch a movie or play by themselves so I think they are the easy ones (although the endless questions and commentary can be draining too!).

All in all, it's part of the breastfeeding experience, part of life with 3, and I wouldn't swap my lovely kids for anything. My hubby is pretty great generally.

For context, I wrote this AIBU right before having a nap. Dh could see I was tired and suggested I take the baby down to bed to chill out but I asked him to take the 3 of then while I slept. I had a lovely snooze and feel much better now.

Have told DH that I'll be doing much more with 0 kids to get a proper mental and physical break and he totally agreed.

I hope I haven't misrepresented my husband. He is very good and tries to make things fair in his own way, and within his own limits.

Just wondering what you all thought!

OP posts:
MassiveSalad22 · 17/09/2022 16:26

YANBU!

2 slightly older kids - slightly older than 7 months? So say 1 and 3? That is so full on.

I have a 5 month old and she’s super easy as babies go but even so shes hard to chill out in the presence of. That’s motherhood. When I’m chilling out, DH has her.

My older 2 and 7 and 4 and so they’re now at school mon-Fri. When the baby naps and DH is at work, omg, the peace!

YANBU, baby needs to be elsewhere in order for caregiver to chill.

Original poster
Idontknowwhatto · 17/09/2022 16:38

MassiveSalad22 · 17/09/2022 16:26

YANBU!

2 slightly older kids - slightly older than 7 months? So say 1 and 3? That is so full on.

I have a 5 month old and she’s super easy as babies go but even so shes hard to chill out in the presence of. That’s motherhood. When I’m chilling out, DH has her.

My older 2 and 7 and 4 and so they’re now at school mon-Fri. When the baby naps and DH is at work, omg, the peace!

YANBU, baby needs to be elsewhere in order for caregiver to chill.

Hah 1 and 3 would be very intense but mine are the same age as yours. Think I would enjoy some peace if my baby napped but doesn't unless she is attached to me. I shouldn't complain though as 3 under 3 would be much harder.

I'm definitely feeling a bit sorry myself unnecessarily!

OP posts:
Calphurnia88 · 17/09/2022 16:41

I get it OP.

My DH is brilliant in so many ways but outside of an hour first thing Saturdays and Sundays (when he takes over) and an hour or so in the evening I am with our 6mo all the time. I often BF in our bed as DS is very distractable now, and can usually scroll at the same time, but it is not the same as a child-free break.

Purplemoons2827 · 17/09/2022 16:46

I don’t know, I have three kids including a breastfed baby and I love it when my husband takes the older two out! I think once you have three, time with just one does feel like chill time! I voted yanbu though as it sounds like you don’t feel you’re getting a break, which is understandable too.

JenniferBarkley · 17/09/2022 16:49

Sounds like you're sorted anyway, but for me it would depend on his intent. If it's "you have the baby, and that's equivalent to my night at the pub" then he can feck off. If it's "we need to entertain these kids for a few hours, you're shattered so you take the baby and try get a rest if you can and I'll occupy the older ones" then that's ok.

catsnore · 17/09/2022 16:50

I think it's the language that's the issue. DH did the same to me, suggesting that taking older child and a baby out on a play date with other mums and older kids would be 'relaxing' for me. What?!?!

The next time we needed stuff from the shop I suggested he take both kids as it would be relaxing 😂 he hasn't mentioned it since 😂

BigChesterDraws · 17/09/2022 16:59

he will send me and the baby to the bedroom with the baby, telling me to relax with her.

why do you tolerate this from him? Sending you to your room, telling you what to do. Why?

Original poster
Idontknowwhatto · 17/09/2022 17:02

BigChesterDraws · 17/09/2022 16:59

he will send me and the baby to the bedroom with the baby, telling me to relax with her.

why do you tolerate this from him? Sending you to your room, telling you what to do. Why?

No he doesn't boss me around like a child. I worded that a bit to colloquially, maybe. He just suggests I take the baby to bed to rest. It's not an order.

OP posts:
Chilesstanton · 17/09/2022 17:06

Couldn’t get worked up over this tbh

wellhelloitsme · 17/09/2022 17:13

@Mischance

He sounds like a gem! - go and give him a kiss you lucky lady!

I think that a dad doing an equal share and being kind to his partner should be a minimum expectation rather than something that's seen as 'lucky'.

And OP does say that while he's great, he does a lot more stuff without the kids than she does.

I find comments like this a bit outdated, a bit like when a bloke looks after his own kids solo and mums are meant to be grateful he's a 'hands on dad'. I've never heard a woman called a 'hands on mum' because we are just expected to do the same things.

Or when a bloke does his share of cooking for the family and women are told how lucky they are. Same for cleaning. It's archaic IMO and reinforces the idea that women are expected to do more than half of parenting, cleaning, cooking etc and should be grateful if a man pulls his weight.

FloofyUni · 17/09/2022 17:14

YABU

It definitely feels like you're chilling with the baby

But if it's not restful for you just tell him.

Original poster
Idontknowwhatto · 17/09/2022 17:17

I think I've figured it out. It felt relaxing until it didn't. So it has been fine until one point when I was totally exhausted and then it wasn't. But time went on and he didn't know how much I was struggling but was still assuming I was happy 3nough with the status quo. Anyway, I need to be more vocal and actually make the effort to find non child time activities.

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 17/09/2022 17:22

Yabu imo, sounds like dh is pretty good. I only have 2dc but having just the baby on my own was definitely a break. I did have the odd evening out on my own but otherwise I wasn't away from the baby. I took her everywhere and it felt relaxing to me. 2 year age gap so when it was baby and toddler, this was v difficult! However, When I look back of photos pf me from that year, I look exhausted and older than I do now - dc are 8 and 10. So maybe I could have benefitted from a proper break.

ittakes2 · 17/09/2022 17:35

You said yourself you are grabbing some sleep on occasion - what is he meant to say why don’t you try and grab some sleep with the baby although I know that is not really relaxing because you are on duty the entire time? If what the real issue is you want more help with the baby than ask.

Lacey247 · 17/09/2022 17:36

I think what your partner is offering is lovely. I really don’t see what the issue is? Giving you quiet time with just the baby and taking the other two out is definitely giving you a break