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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Which person is in the wrong here?

63 replies

sallylouise2 · 17/09/2022 12:51

Parent A was supposed to be watching toddler in the living room while Parent B made lunch for toddler in the kitchen.

Toddler got out of open patio doors in living room onto a raised wooden balcony where there are steps that toddler could have fallen down.

Parent B went back into living room to ask Parent A something, spotted toddler outside and asked why is she out there? Parent A was sitting scrolling on their phone, jumped up and said they "hadn't realised".

This has caused Parent B to feel stressed and upset that toddler was not being properly watched while they made toddler lunch. This is because of the potential that toddler could have fallen down the steps outside.

Parent A argues that it was Parent B's fault, however, because they opened the patio door a couple of hours prior when toddler was sleeping to let some air in as it was hot in the room.

Parent A believes that because Parent B opened the door, they are responsible for what happened.

Parent B argues that Parent A was the one who was supposed to be watching toddler while they made lunch, and therefore they are at fault for being on their phone and not properly watching toddler.

Who is at fault here?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 17/09/2022 13:02

Like I said, it's a pattern of behaviour whereby I am constantly gaslighted into believing I am at fault where I can't figure out how or why I can possibly be.

It sounds like it's tit for tat because you're picking fault at him too, if all the examples are like this one.

HappyHappyHermit · 17/09/2022 13:02

No one is in the wrong, nothing happened.

nachoavocado · 17/09/2022 13:03

Chamomileteaplease · 17/09/2022 12:54

A and is doubly shitty for blaming it on B.

Yup

sallylouise2 · 17/09/2022 13:04

Thanks all. I'm in the process of leaving him anyway, for numerous reasons, including the emotional abuse and gaslighting. This thread has confirmed that I'm not crazy and this wasn't my fault. There have been so many occasions over the years of me being blamed for his shitty (and on occasion downright abusive) behaviour, that I've lost all sight of whether I'm reasonable or not at times. Hence the thread.

OP posts:
sallylouise2 · 17/09/2022 13:04

girlmom21 · 17/09/2022 13:02

Like I said, it's a pattern of behaviour whereby I am constantly gaslighted into believing I am at fault where I can't figure out how or why I can possibly be.

It sounds like it's tit for tat because you're picking fault at him too, if all the examples are like this one.

No one of them was sexual assault, The other cheating, and another was physical assault

OP posts:
sallylouise2 · 17/09/2022 13:05

The examples almost don't matter. I've just been conditioned to believe that all his shitty behaviour is my fault.

OP posts:
nachoavocado · 17/09/2022 13:05

sallylouise2 · 17/09/2022 13:04

No one of them was sexual assault, The other cheating, and another was physical assault

Bloody hell OP, do you have a plan in place to leave him ASAP?

Sapphire387 · 17/09/2022 13:06

This is a massive drip feed post - would have been helpful if you had laid this all out initially.

In light of your updates, I wish you all the best in leaving him, he sounds abusive.

maddy68 · 17/09/2022 13:07

A moment of distraction happens to everyone

Ladyofthelake53 · 17/09/2022 13:10

A if that was the arrangement then A was in the wrong

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 17/09/2022 13:10

girlmom21 · 17/09/2022 13:02

Like I said, it's a pattern of behaviour whereby I am constantly gaslighted into believing I am at fault where I can't figure out how or why I can possibly be.

It sounds like it's tit for tat because you're picking fault at him too, if all the examples are like this one.

Wow surprised at the victim-blaming without establishing basic facts here.

LizzieSiddal · 17/09/2022 13:10

I was going to say he was gaslighting you. Glad you’re getting out @sallylouise2 things won’t get any better for you.
I’m so sorry he’s assaulted you. Flowers

Patapouf · 17/09/2022 13:12

Parent A is useless, selfish and lazy in this scenario

Parent B is anxious and fretful. The toddler didn't actually get hurt 🤷🏻‍♀️

sallylouise2 · 17/09/2022 13:13

@nachoavocado

Yes. Just waiting on a suitable property becoming available and trying to sane in the meantime

OP posts:
sallylouise2 · 17/09/2022 13:13

*stay sane

OP posts:
cushioncovers · 17/09/2022 13:14

Parent A is completely responsible.

figmaofmyimagination · 17/09/2022 13:14

You were making lunch and your husband was in the wrong. No need for the A/B bit.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/09/2022 13:15

Then his opinion doesn't matter. You're leaving and he is an irrelevance.

Halli2020 · 17/09/2022 13:15

A should be watching

Sunnyqueen · 17/09/2022 13:16

No point doing the A B thing when you make it blatantly obvious which one you are.
But yeah non event, nothing actually happened seems like A/you are just looking for something to mad about. You say this is a regular occurrence and that person b tries to gaslight you in the situation. Looks to me like they are just finding something to defend themselves with.

JennyForeigner · 17/09/2022 13:17

Phone guy obviously.

Also, are you married to my husband?

Soontobe60 · 17/09/2022 13:17

GretaGip · 17/09/2022 12:58

Try working out how to avoid similar outcomes in the future rather than creating friction by apportioning blame.

This in bucket fulls!
there will be myriad instances when your toddler will fall, bang themselves, broken something but blaming each other isn’t healthy. Instead, I suggest the two of you put this behind you and go round the house with a safety head on to see where you can ensure you’ve minimised any potential accidents. That’s what safeguarding does - what COULD go wrong and how can it be minimised.

Winter2020 · 17/09/2022 13:17

It is the parent that should be watching the child's fault, and yes these things happen, but they happen a lot more when you are not watching.

To people saying no big deal as nothing happened I say it is exhausting when you watch the child when you should but also have to watch them when your partner should as they don't bother/don't step up.

The doors are not the issue. Could just as easily be putting a coin in their mouth. Supervisor needs to be supervising.

sallylouise2 · 17/09/2022 13:19

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/09/2022 13:15

Then his opinion doesn't matter. You're leaving and he is an irrelevance.

It's my sanity I'm trying to keep, if that makes sense. By checking out that I'm not going insane here and it's actually not my fault this happened, well that helps. Guess he's done a really great job of putting the blame on me for everything over the years. So I don't know anymore.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 17/09/2022 13:23

Yes it was his fault. But now you know that he is abusive and neglectful, so it's upto you to keep your DD safe. You need to be noting everything and should be reporting it, because he's a danger to her and will get access.