I hate myself - please help

[hatemyself000]

I had a nice family growing up and a privileged upbringing - went to private school and a good uni. Due to chronic low self esteem/self confidence I ended up in a very average job and still don't earn a lot. I have terrible social anxiety.

I started drinking due to the above issues and now drink every day. I think I might have a problem.

I had CBT and am on medication which has helped a bit with the self esteem issues, but I still feel so low most days and genuinely hate myself. I beat myself up constantly about the fact I was blessed with a good start in life but have not made the most of it (understatement) due to my self loathing and terrible self confidence. I feel I've let myself and my parents down.

I have a young child and don't want to let him down too. I don't know where to go from here.

Don’t you believe it I have no mirrors in the bedroom due to the woman who brought me up, etc bullying in whatever form is horrific and can devastate lives. Im 56 now unless official I’ll never have a photo took of me again.

@Marvellousmadness wow. Such a supportive and helpful response.

@hatemyself000 you've got this. The fact you accept you have a problem is immense. One day at a time! Reach out for support. I can promise you, tomorrow, next week, 3 months time, life will be better xxxx

Please google inattentive adhd and see if this applies to you. One of the symptoms as adults is a feeling you have under achieved. Friendships can be difficult to establish and maintain too.

Good that you’re on Sertraline. It helps with depression as well as social anxiety.

But the alcohol is making it worse. It’s a massive depressant. You’re stuck in a cycle with that. You absolutely have to come of the alcohol one way or another. That is your next step. Unless you do that nothing will change. You need to accept that.

Then you can look at other types of psychotherapy or counselling.

Most of us are in average/ shit jobs. This is the reality. But we’re doing ok, and you will too.

I was recently speaking to family about alcohol, I know a lot of binge drinkers and people who take a drink every night and was wondering when that tips the edge into addiction. What makes one person able to stop at one and another not? We came to the conclusion that it was probably when it was self medicating poor mental health.

You are using it to substitute an innapropriate dose of your antidepressant and if you are not already addicted it will become a concern. This week is the time to action and call GP and get a med review and discuss your drinking.

My perfect DH has recently become incredibly anxious and suffering from panic attacks and struggling to function. With hindsight his mental health has been deteriorating for the past year. I wish every day I could go back and put in place the steps 6 months ago and not have to watch him suffer so badly now. I struggle to hear the lies his mind is telling him about how hopeless he is, and how stupid he is, how annoyed he is that he didn't pass the right exams or do well at uni. All we see is someone who tried his hardest in everything he does and goes out to work every day to work hard and pay for us even when every day is a struggle right now. I cannot tell you how proud I am of him doing simple tasks like meeting up with a friend or nipping in to the shop that used to be no bother to him.

You have been managing to work to pay for your little boy even while suffering from severe anxiety and depression. I'll bet he doesn't care what a levels you got or where you work.

You know you need to access support very soon but the best thing you can do for yourself over this weekend is make sure you get 2 x walks a day even if it's just 5 minutes and prioritise sleep. I really wish you all the best.

Yes, I'm sure. I tried to find the link but I can't right now, but I think it's been shown a lot. Here's a similar finding:

"The report finds that loneliness can get worse before it gets better, improving when children reach school age. 18% of parents whose youngest child is under one often feel left out, rising to 41% of parents whose youngest is two, and falling to just 8% whose youngest child is five."

www.familyandchildcaretrust.org/over-half-parents-young-children-feel-lonely-those-lowest-incomes-twice-likely-be-affected

Yes, a lot of people make the same assumption! There's this myth of cosy friendship groups with mothers of preschoolers but it's the opposite. It's probably one of the loneliest times of your life. It was for me. Much, much better when they start school.

I always found CBT fucking rubbish and a waste of time. I’m now in proper weekly in depth therapy and it’s making the world of difference. It’s worth paying for

Look, unless you woke up one day and decided to become unwell for shits and giggles, this isn't your fault. You are coping the best you can through a debilitating illness. As much as you can, try to challenge your thoughts when they tell you that you are useless and to blame - it isn't true.

Go back to your GP. Ask about a higher dose and for a referral for spoken therapy. There will be a waiting list, but you may as well get on it. Medication and spoken therapy together has the best outcome most often.

I'd also tell your health visitor. She is there to support you. She might have some advice about groups where you might find it easier to make mum friends.

CBT may not have worked for you, but it is a proper therapy. Lots of evidence that it works well. It is different in style to the psychodynamic therapies, but isn't less proper or less "in depth". The efficiency is about the same in studies.

I'm glad you found a therapy that works for you, I just don't want anyone reading this thread and thinking CBT isn't a decent, proper therapy.

please urgently review your medication with your GP. You probably need a higher dose and should talk to the GP about how to reduce alcohol. It’s possible the alcohol might be effecting the effectiveness of the medication but read the information leaflet in the box for details. Research strategies for reducing/stopping alcohol. Get support locally or online. Talk to trusted loved ones, get more counselling.

presently your self work rests on the type of job you do and this is wrong. I suspect your fee paid education and family background programmed you to hold this harsh value set, with what you do dictating your own self value. Fee paying schools can be competitive pressure pots, which can be unhealthy. My workaholic background taught me similar sadly. Please get some counselling to unpick this. Its important you talk to someone to explore why you feel this way.

Think about your own child, will her value rest upon her future career path or exam results? Absolutely not! Yes it’s nice for children to do well BUT accepting your child for who they are is vital to their self worth. At the end of the day are all just human, imperfect, unique, utterly amazing, with our own individual problems and hardships. The importance of holding your child in consistent positive regard cannot be understated, providing balanced, kind, well rounded care and treasuring your child what ever their faults, educational results or job role will help your little one value themselves.

work is a complicated thing. A top education does not equal a top job. There are so many amazing highly educated women who do traditionally lowly job roles (invaluable care work in community, volunteering at the food bank, gardening) or have down shifted from high flying medical/company roles to more holistic therapies such as acupuncture, counselling. Often family caring responsibilities, burn out, stress or flexibility to support a partner effects their own working logistics and capacity.

best see the GP to review your medication and get help for the alcohol issue. Access counselling to unpick why your self value rests upon your job role. Then once you’re feeling more balanced, approach an adult careers adviser to help think about the sort of work you’d enjoy.and find more fulfilling. There are also career coaches who can hold your hand through any changes and challenges that arise.

OP couldn't read and run. Please stop comparing yourself to others by purely statistical metrics. You may be privileged in terms of schooling but if you've always struggled to accept yourself that is a massive disadvantage.

And anyway, these comparisons just don't help you. They sound like social anxiety internalised.

You've got to stop the drinking. Have you raised it with the doctor? Who knows about it? Please get help. AA by what I hear can be a safe environment.

You've tried, You've had CBT. Keep trying for your son. It's hard, nit because you're weak, it just is. But there'll be a way to feel better. xx

I’m sorry you feel this way @hatemyself000 . I can empathise because much of your original post could have been written by me (not on medication though), and many aspects I still struggle with.

Do you mind if I ask: how much are you drinking everyday? And do you have a DP? If so, what are they doing to support you? Do you still have a close relationship with your parents?

i think private schools can be a little bit toxic - especially for women for some reason - because as much as they can create a greater opportunity for succeeding, they also create the possibility of failing.

As someone earlier suggested to you, I too think I have inattentive ADHD - poor executive function around planning, deciding, time-management, and relationship issues - and it’s been helpful to see this.

Best wishes to you 💐

Hey OP. Go easy on yourself. Lower your standards. Look up some videos on perfectionism. It can go hand in hand with anxiety.

Do you want friends? You can join a group like walking clubs. You dont have to talk to anyone but you can practise saying hello and making small talk. No eye contact is also good. You can walk around park with your kid in a buggy at parkrun too on Saturday mornings.

I know its hard. You are not alone with your feelings. A talking therapy would be worth considering when you can afford it (not cbt). I recommend tiktok - a lot of good mental health info on there. Look for healing journey, social anxiety etc and you will find some things to make you think. Anxiety is brain on a playback loop. Negative cycle. Need to break it. Keep breaking it. Interrupt the negtive spiral. Break your currenbt habits of masking feelngs with alcohol.

Can you tell us what you ARE good at? What do you like? Animals? Outdoors? Books? Dancing? Cooking?

What would you without social anxiety look like?

Good luck xxxx

OP your first order of business should be to stop drinking. Alcohol is a depressant. You will feel better physically and mentally when it's out of your system, and the medication you are on will be much more effective.

Would you be open/able to start psychotherapy? These are issues you have been grappling with your whole life, they’re just presenting differently across time. CBT won’t help with this. If you are financially able to, I would suggest working with a psychotherapist who is relational and has awareness of neurodiversity.

The NHS cannot help you with this. If money was an issue maybe your parents could help? This would be a worthy investment.

@hatemyself000 I'm sorry you feel like this. There have been some really good suggestions here. I'd like to add music to the to do list. For instance, listen to the Carpenters Top of the world (other cheesy feel good songs are available) because if you're with your DC whilst listening to the words, it might give you a boost and let you focus on your fabulous achievement and see how important you are in their world, not to mention how amazing you are to have created this little one. You are worth so much and while you might not see it right now, you could get a glimpse from them and work up from there.