I hate myself - please help

[hatemyself000]

I had a nice family growing up and a privileged upbringing - went to private school and a good uni. Due to chronic low self esteem/self confidence I ended up in a very average job and still don't earn a lot. I have terrible social anxiety.

I started drinking due to the above issues and now drink every day. I think I might have a problem.

I had CBT and am on medication which has helped a bit with the self esteem issues, but I still feel so low most days and genuinely hate myself. I beat myself up constantly about the fact I was blessed with a good start in life but have not made the most of it (understatement) due to my self loathing and terrible self confidence. I feel I've let myself and my parents down.

I have a young child and don't want to let him down too. I don't know where to go from here.

You need to stop giving yourself such negative talk and literally feeding the bad things you feel.
what do you like about yourself?
what do you like about your appearance?
growing up what did you want to be?
i work in recruitment and I swear to god degrees mean nothing nowadays- honestly they’re a waste of money I have a degree and I wish I’d never done it.
you know this is your turning point right?
this is your bottom- this is you posting how much you hate yourself - now do something about it.
make a coffee write a list- change your life.
get to gp get meds upped
stop drinking
have coffee with a friend and see a therapist
love yourself/ then achieve your goals and dreams
you get this life to do this.
go sober and change your diet- eat healthy/ go on walks with your son- plan plan plan for your future and book holidays with him to experience the world
its your life-
also I highly suggest you read the midnight library. It’s a cracking book.
xxx

CBT isn't the only therapy option available - 1 route doesn't fit all. Likewise they may be able to look at changing your medication. Give them a ring now and be honest about how you're feel when they ask their questions. They will be able to either provide you details of a mental health specialist team you can contact yourself or refer you to them - either way you will be making the first step towards gaining some control on how you're feeling 🌷

Thank you @Cakeandcoffee93 for the inspiring post.

I hate that my low self esteem and hatred of myself is now impacting on my child.

I feel I'm wasting the doctor's time when they must have far more pressing things to deal with.

Also, just want you to know I’ve been there. I’m a sufferer of anxiety- and I say all of this with the nicest of intentions because it’s only you who can help you and how you feel. Girl you’ve got to love yourself. And love this life. It will have its moments but it can be magical and fun and memorable. You just need to find a way to love being in your own skin and maybe this is about finding yourself xx

@Cakeandcoffee93 thanks - but what if I just can't?

I know. I've seen this so many times and it's really upsetting because I feel like mothers are internalising what is really a social problem. There's no reason why having a baby should mean isolation from everything and everyone and hour after hour of brooding on their own faults in a sleepless haze. It really is psychological torture. It's not like that in every culture. The mothers who don't get depressed/anxious usually have heaps of support.

But you are NOT damaging your child by being depressed. That is just bullshit. Your son is growing fine with you. You can tell, I'm sure.

Stop thinking of all the reasons why things won’t work- in the morning get a 2022/2023 organiser to plan your life - and a diary to write every night how you feel every single thought. Write the mental load down- then focus on the good things that happened each day. Trust me it’s like a little therapy session to process it all.
Your son needs you. Regardless of how you feel- he needs his mother. What meds you on?
you do know that alcohol makes you have side effects xx

@Zuyi my son is now almost 3, so not a baby any more. So I can't pretend I'm going through the new mum stage!

I'm on sertraline. I feel it's helped a lot - I feel quite a bit better than I did. But perhaps I need a higher dose.

I have a three year old and have just been diagnosed with post natal OCD- and ptsd-

You won't be wasting their time or 111's - I promise as I speak from experience. There's some great suggestions so far around stopping drinking, make a plan, change your diet and lifestyle and be kinder to yourself. You're not a rubbish person or a rubbish parent - the fact you've asked for help shows you care about being the best version of yourself that you can for your child. xxx

A month ago I wished I was dead today life is still hard but I’m surviving planning financially got me through then planning for new home. Now that helped me obviously you need different goals first please see how get a higher dose of antidepressants then safely cut down then stop the drinking, if you can’t think beyond each day then do each hour, your son loves you so be there for him. Gradually you’ll get there. Hugs.

Are you in a position to pay for therapy op? CBT deals with thoughts and feelings in the here and now and their effect on your decisions and opinions but does little to address the root cause of these feelings.

Your self image and self esteem or lack of came from somewhere and you need to peel back the layers and work hard to understand how you've ended up hating yourself.

It's not an easy process, infact it's hard work and challenging, but then so is living half a life, feeling miserable and drinking to escape.

I despised my whole existence until I was 41 and went to find a therapist. I'm doing so much better now, much, much better.

You are a worthwhile person and you and your son deserve you to be the best you can be, so I'd honestly think about giving it a go.

I pay a reduced rate with a BACP accredited therapist as I have a low income and many offer this too. It's easily the best money I've spent - to not wake every day gutted I'm still alive feels amazing.

I really hope you get to the bottom of this and begin to lead a fulfilling life for you and your son. All the best

I’m on setraline 100mg and I feel 150 would be better. What dosage are you taking? I upped mine from 50mg back in March to 100mg and within 3 days I noticed the bullshit noise in my head and thoughts were turned down almost muted. It’s great how it works

Thanks. Even reading the responses has made me well up. I've just always hated myself, from day one pretty much. And I don't even know why really.

I’ve been where you are and worse. Drink is not your friend or a good comforter. If you don’t try to get a grip and exercise some control over it then you will sink lower and lower. I did and I nearly lost everything.

you owe it to yourself to get professional help x

Actually when your youngest child is 3 is the peak for maternal loneliness and depression. I'm actually relieved, I was thinking he was 1. No, it gets better from here!

I started on 50mg of sertraline and it was incredibly effective. Then stopped taking the tablets, went back on 50mg and it didn't do much for me. Went up to 100mg and felt better again, but it still doesn't feel 100% effective. Perhaps I need to try 150mg?

@paisley256 I think you're right, perhaps I've never truly addressed the root cause as I can imagine it might be quite painful. I'm not in a position to pay for therapy unfortunately.

I was bullied a bit at school and I suppose that's always stayed with me. But I'm sure a lot of people have been and it hasn't affected them!

Do you think so? I was assuming that by the time my son was 3 I should have had ample opportunity to make lots of mum friends - and that hasn't happened for me (due to the social anxiety!)

Somewhere in youvthere is a little chick of light and hope or you would not of posted on here.
This could be your little one , your perants , remember they said they were proud of you , thats huge for many people.

Build on this, depending on the age of DC when you drop him off at school take to play date , go to nursery, take him to the park whatever it might be , smile at the next two people you see, you don't need to do anything more than that, the next time you go out smile at four people and say hello to one of them, then in a week's time say hello to a few more ask what their child's favourite toys or complain that your child will only eat x brand of food or whatever you feel like bringing up how many ducks you seen , what we are doing, why is that pigeon doing that , anything it doesn't matter just communicate, this doesn't need to be with the same people each time to get used to communicating with strangers and build on it slowly don't rush it but keep at it.
Eventually you will find it becomes a little easier and you can open up a little bit more with people you see on a semi-regular basis in the park, school , in the shops a friendship will build don't try and force yourself on to be a friend that comes across as being needy and can make people back off.

Above everything else you are definitely not a waste of space you are the most precious thing to your little one and to your parents and probably a lot more people than you actually realise I know it's difficult I've been there.
try and stay positive even if it's just for a few minutes at a time each day.

Here’s your list OP

1. bin the booze
2. ring doctors Tuesday attend apt get therapy
3. take son to park/walk/picnic Monday
4. get a diary to note feelings each night and reflect on good
5. turn negative self talk into positive- even if you don’t believe it- flip the words and repeat in your head - I love myself, I will be happy, I’m a badass
6. write some plans down for you and son
7. update us all xxx

Have you explored the possibility that there might be more to it than social anxiety? You say you are unable to connect to people. Has it always been like that?