Aibu to contact my parents half sibling found on Ancestry?

Dnaditherer · 2022-09-16T18:04:43+00:00

As in the title really, my family and I have taken DNA tests and the results show a definite half sibling connected to my Mum. I’m all for contacting mums sibling on her behalf, as this is what she wants to do, but just thought I’d put it here first. In a nutshell, would you want to be contacted by a stranger on Ancestry if they were a very close match to you?

Leeds2 · 16/09/2022 19:07

I don't know anything about Ancestry, but I would assume that anyone who posted their details on there would want to be contacted?

Magnanimouse · 16/09/2022 19:10

If they put their details on Ancestry, then I think the answer is yes. I think the answer would be different if some great aunt had given you the name and address of the half-sibling and told you they didn't know.

I'm adopted. While I'd be fascinated to explore my ethnic heritage (some physical features don't quite fit with being White British), I don't have any particular wish to link in with my birth family and know that having that DNA on a database is an open invitation for people to contact me. Hopefully they realised this when they went on there!

IncompleteSenten · 16/09/2022 19:11

I would assume that since they went to the trouble of buying a DNA test and signing up that they'd be open to being contacted.
I'd give it a go

Happylittlethoughts · 16/09/2022 19:13

I did this for my FIL. On his paternal side the person matched hasn't seen the message as they've not been active. However, I did find him 2 half siblings on his Muns side and contact was made through the family tree they were noted on. They have since had a lovely meet . The siblings were unaware of his existence and it was a surprise... in 70s .

Butchyrestingface · 16/09/2022 19:14

Is this Ancestry.co.uk? I've just googled it and it's £10.99 and £19.99 a month (is that right??)

Too fucking right I'd want you to contact me. I'd want my phone to be pinging off the hook for £240.00 a year.

Sirzy · 16/09/2022 19:15

Your Mum is happy for you to do so. They have uploaded their results so I presume are looking for matches therefore I would.

Original poster

Dnaditherer · 16/09/2022 19:15

Leeds2 · 16/09/2022 19:07

I don't know anything about Ancestry, but I would assume that anyone who posted their details on there would want to be contacted?

I’m hoping so!

OP posts:

Original poster

Dnaditherer · 16/09/2022 19:17

Magnanimouse · 16/09/2022 19:10

If they put their details on Ancestry, then I think the answer is yes. I think the answer would be different if some great aunt had given you the name and address of the half-sibling and told you they didn't know.

I'm adopted. While I'd be fascinated to explore my ethnic heritage (some physical features don't quite fit with being White British), I don't have any particular wish to link in with my birth family and know that having that DNA on a database is an open invitation for people to contact me. Hopefully they realised this when they went on there!

I think it’s possible to find out about your ethnicity etc whilst keeping your DNA results private, so nobody would know. It’s worth finding out for definite.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dnaditherer · 16/09/2022 19:19

Happylittlethoughts · 16/09/2022 19:13

I did this for my FIL. On his paternal side the person matched hasn't seen the message as they've not been active. However, I did find him 2 half siblings on his Muns side and contact was made through the family tree they were noted on. They have since had a lovely meet . The siblings were unaware of his existence and it was a surprise... in 70s .

That’s a good result for your family 🙂
I guess I’m concerned that mums sibling won’t want to know, but as pp have said, I guess if people do tests they probably are open to the possibility of people contacting them.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 16/09/2022 19:22

We have just had this in my family. My children wanted to know what countries they were from which prompted my Mum to do it.

Which brought up a cousin match - who contacted her. My Great Grandfather left my Nan when she was 18 months and had five other siblings after that.

My Nan (who was the eldest) is dead so it all goes through my Mum.

It is though I have to say quite an emotional experience on both sides - particularly because my Nan is no longer with us. So I would do it but be aware of the emotions it can bring up.

That said it is a particularly harrowing story

Original poster

Dnaditherer · 16/09/2022 19:22

Butchyrestingface · 16/09/2022 19:14

Is this Ancestry.co.uk? I've just googled it and it's £10.99 and £19.99 a month (is that right??)

Too fucking right I'd want you to contact me. I'd want my phone to be pinging off the hook for £240.00 a year.

🤣 yes it is.

Although you don’t have to subscribe and pay to find out your matches. The only thing you can’t do unless you subscribe is delve into matches trees and do searches, but some people might not be bothered about that.

OP posts:

Blondeshavemorefun · 16/09/2022 19:25

Def contact

people are on there as they want to know

Original poster

Dnaditherer · 16/09/2022 19:26

Quartz2208 · 16/09/2022 19:22

We have just had this in my family. My children wanted to know what countries they were from which prompted my Mum to do it.

Which brought up a cousin match - who contacted her. My Great Grandfather left my Nan when she was 18 months and had five other siblings after that.

My Nan (who was the eldest) is dead so it all goes through my Mum.

It is though I have to say quite an emotional experience on both sides - particularly because my Nan is no longer with us. So I would do it but be aware of the emotions it can bring up.

That said it is a particularly harrowing story

That must’ve been hard for your family 💐

OP posts:

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 16/09/2022 19:28

No.

People buy these kits to find out about their heritage, their family tree going way back and so on.Most people don’t go on to ancestry in the belief they’re going to find out hard truths about their life. This is why these tests are so contentious, because there is potential to find out things which were best left.

Did your mum know she had half siblings?

Original poster

Dnaditherer · 16/09/2022 19:29

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 16/09/2022 19:28

No.

People buy these kits to find out about their heritage, their family tree going way back and so on.Most people don’t go on to ancestry in the belief they’re going to find out hard truths about their life. This is why these tests are so contentious, because there is potential to find out things which were best left.

Did your mum know she had half siblings?

No she had no idea at all.

OP posts:

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 16/09/2022 19:32

@Quartz2208 · something similar happened in my family. Not through ancestry, but because my dad wanted to find out more about his dad who disappeared when he was a teenager. He managed to trace him, he’s dead now, but he had remarried and had two more children.

That wasn’t necessarily unexpected, but one of my dad’s siblings contacted one of the half siblings, and neither they or their mother had had any idea he’d been married and had 5 other children. It got quite nasty in the end

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 16/09/2022 19:34

Then tbh I really wouldn’t.

I would go and look for them on social media etc though, and see what you can find out about them. It’s amazing what you can find out on the internet.

Quartz2208 · 16/09/2022 19:34

Its been completely worthwhile @Dnaditherer - it was my Mum and another cousin who got in contact and it has been easier for them.

It has been harder I think for the siblings - particularly as in our case my Nan is no longer there. Partly because it has solidified feelings for the Dad. From our perspective we always knew he had left and the chances were he had another family. Within that though one was adopted, two were left in a childrens home for a bit so it is quite unique.

For them it is the fact that he knew that they had another sibling but didnt ever tell them until it was too late. But it has I think been cathartic and helpful on both sides.

It still quite new (and obvs my Nan is no longer here) so no met up yet.

I would definitely do it - just be aware. I find it quite emotional sometimes and I am quite removed from it. We were contacted by the way and were definitely happy to e

Quartz2208 · 16/09/2022 19:39

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 16/09/2022 19:32

@Quartz2208 · something similar happened in my family. Not through ancestry, but because my dad wanted to find out more about his dad who disappeared when he was a teenager. He managed to trace him, he’s dead now, but he had remarried and had two more children.

That wasn’t necessarily unexpected, but one of my dad’s siblings contacted one of the half siblings, and neither they or their mother had had any idea he’d been married and had 5 other children. It got quite nasty in the end

Yes I think that is it - for us he was always the man who ran off and left my Nan and my Great Nan. My Nan then grew up being mixed race (he was Chinese) to a single Mum in the 1930s and that was a tough background. So our family view of him has never been great - and this actually has helped him become more human and understand it a bit more.

But for the siblings who knew him you can definitely see it is harder because they have different feelings and it has brought up anger (he did abandon most of them one way or another).

If your Mum didnt know @Dnaditherer then it might be quite tricky. Do you know where she is the younger or the older?

Bitwornout · 16/09/2022 19:40

Yes - I'd love it. You don't put your DNA results public if you don't want people to contact you. My DNA showed I am 18% German on my Mum's side yet we have no known German ancestry. One of my Mum's grandparents is not who we thought it was and we are desperate to find out what happened. So my mum and I would be thrilled if the German relatives got in contact. Go for it.

Original poster

Dnaditherer · 16/09/2022 19:43

Quartz2208 · 16/09/2022 19:39

Yes I think that is it - for us he was always the man who ran off and left my Nan and my Great Nan. My Nan then grew up being mixed race (he was Chinese) to a single Mum in the 1930s and that was a tough background. So our family view of him has never been great - and this actually has helped him become more human and understand it a bit more.

But for the siblings who knew him you can definitely see it is harder because they have different feelings and it has brought up anger (he did abandon most of them one way or another).

If your Mum didnt know @Dnaditherer then it might be quite tricky. Do you know where she is the younger or the older?

Show quote history

Mum is the younger one, my Grandad dies when she was a toddler, so we’ll never know what really happened regarding his previous family unless we do contact them.

OP posts:

KassandraOfSparta · 16/09/2022 19:47

Right few things before you plunge straight in and turn everyone's lives upside down.

How much do you know about centimorgans and cousin matching? Half sibling will have between 1160 and 2436 shared centimorgans. The lower end of that range could also be a half niece/nephew, half aunt/uncle, first cousin... Make absolutely SURE that you have your story straight. If more than one person has tested then that helps a lot to sort out the relationships. The Shared Centimorgan project is a useful tool : dnapainter.com/tools/sharedcmv4

Secondly, yes people are usually open to messaging on Ancestry. But proceed with caution. You have no idea about why this match has tested. She may have just done it for fun, or had a kit bought as a gift, without any indication whatsoever that there were skeletons in the cupboard. Also, many people sign up for an Ancestry account purely to do an Ancestry test and lose .interest. Not getting a reply to emails is very very common.

If you and your mother are certain of what is going on, I would advise a very neutral message to start with along the lines of "Hi, just done a test and you're coming high on my list of matches, would love to speak more and find out how we're connected" rather than "OMG you're my Mum's half sister".

Although the nicest outcome is that your mum's new sibling is delighted and everyone lives happily ever after, be prepared for the shutters to come down and people to not want to know. Relationships are complex

Gingerkittykat · 16/09/2022 19:49

I traced some biological relatives of my mum on Ancestry and only had two responses from the people I contacted. One man wrote back and said he thought the past should be left in the past but the two people I have had contact with have been great.

I'll warn you that you can only reply to private messages on Ancestry if you have a paid membership. You can still read your messages without paying so it is worth putting an email address/ link to social media in the message to increase the chances of you getting a response.

KassandraOfSparta · 16/09/2022 19:50

Butchyrestingface · 16/09/2022 19:14

Is this Ancestry.co.uk? I've just googled it and it's £10.99 and £19.99 a month (is that right??)

Too fucking right I'd want you to contact me. I'd want my phone to be pinging off the hook for £240.00 a year.

that's not all you're paying for though. Ancestry is one of the biggest genealogy sites and has digitised birth marriage and death records, censuses, passenger lists, voters lists, directories etc etc etc.

DNA is just a small part of what you get for your fee.

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 16/09/2022 19:54

Ancestry sounds like a licence to print money.

And IMO it’s only a matter of time before it emerges that they’ve been selling on DNA. Not a chance that I would send my DNA to a private company who are out to make money. No way.

It’s a scandal waiting to happen.