Page 2 | Aibu to contact my parents half sibling found on Ancestry?

Dnaditherer · 2022-09-16T18:04:43+00:00

As in the title really, my family and I have taken DNA tests and the results show a definite half sibling connected to my Mum. I’m all for contacting mums sibling on her behalf, as this is what she wants to do, but just thought I’d put it here first. In a nutshell, would you want to be contacted by a stranger on Ancestry if they were a very close match to you?

KassandraOfSparta · 16/09/2022 19:56

That's fine, @GhostFromTheOtherSide. Nobody's asking you to.

But again, Ancestry is FAR MORE than DNA matching. Every genealogist, professional or amateur, will have used their records.

Original poster

Dnaditherer · 16/09/2022 19:57

KassandraOfSparta · 16/09/2022 19:47

Right few things before you plunge straight in and turn everyone's lives upside down.

How much do you know about centimorgans and cousin matching? Half sibling will have between 1160 and 2436 shared centimorgans. The lower end of that range could also be a half niece/nephew, half aunt/uncle, first cousin... Make absolutely SURE that you have your story straight. If more than one person has tested then that helps a lot to sort out the relationships. The Shared Centimorgan project is a useful tool : dnapainter.com/tools/sharedcmv4

Secondly, yes people are usually open to messaging on Ancestry. But proceed with caution. You have no idea about why this match has tested. She may have just done it for fun, or had a kit bought as a gift, without any indication whatsoever that there were skeletons in the cupboard. Also, many people sign up for an Ancestry account purely to do an Ancestry test and lose .interest. Not getting a reply to emails is very very common.

If you and your mother are certain of what is going on, I would advise a very neutral message to start with along the lines of "Hi, just done a test and you're coming high on my list of matches, would love to speak more and find out how we're connected" rather than "OMG you're my Mum's half sister".

Although the nicest outcome is that your mum's new sibling is delighted and everyone lives happily ever after, be prepared for the shutters to come down and people to not want to know. Relationships are complex

Yes she’s definitely a half sibling, my grandfathers name is listed on her small tree and we’ve eliminated any other possible relationship.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dnaditherer · 16/09/2022 20:04

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 16/09/2022 19:54

Ancestry sounds like a licence to print money.

And IMO it’s only a matter of time before it emerges that they’ve been selling on DNA. Not a chance that I would send my DNA to a private company who are out to make money. No way.

It’s a scandal waiting to happen.

What on earth would they want with people’s DNA?

OP posts:

YeOldeTrout · 16/09/2022 20:18

I did this, after discovering an uncle.

He wasn't happy to hear from me. He refused to share any info and didn't ask a single question, although (via his relative) I was told I could pass on medical information. About this time his half sister (age 65) was diagnosed with a cancer, but did that matter, when he had 6 siblings, and she was 60+? Did he really care? I had no sense what medical info he'd like to know.

He still hasn't removed his details from Ancestry.com so basically any of my ~15 cousins & my dad's siblings & my cousins' adult kids : could discover him and reach out & get rebuffed too. They could also google his unusual name & work out his birth origins. People are weird. Why not make his Ancestry details private??

I don't regret contacting him, though. I reasoned:

I can't know in advance if he prefers to have the info or not have it.

He's had 72 years of not having this information. If he'd prefer not to know, he's mostly benefited in his life from not knowing (for 72 years).

If he'd prefer to know, I'm giving him a great chance to finally learn more.

Original poster

Dnaditherer · 17/09/2022 09:40

YeOldeTrout · 16/09/2022 20:18

I did this, after discovering an uncle.

He wasn't happy to hear from me. He refused to share any info and didn't ask a single question, although (via his relative) I was told I could pass on medical information. About this time his half sister (age 65) was diagnosed with a cancer, but did that matter, when he had 6 siblings, and she was 60+? Did he really care? I had no sense what medical info he'd like to know.

He still hasn't removed his details from Ancestry.com so basically any of my ~15 cousins & my dad's siblings & my cousins' adult kids : could discover him and reach out & get rebuffed too. They could also google his unusual name & work out his birth origins. People are weird. Why not make his Ancestry details private??

I don't regret contacting him, though. I reasoned:

I can't know in advance if he prefers to have the info or not have it.

He's had 72 years of not having this information. If he'd prefer not to know, he's mostly benefited in his life from not knowing (for 72 years).

If he'd prefer to know, I'm giving him a great chance to finally learn more.

You see this is the kind of scenario that concerns me happening with my Mum, if I contact her sibling, will she also ignore my Mum?

Although Mum’s prepared for that possibility, I imagine she’ll still feel a bit rejected in some ways.
like you, I just don’t get why people would make their results public, but then ignore close matches.

Based on some people’s opinions, I will go ahead and contact this lady, as you never know she might welcome my getting in touch.

OP posts:

nachoavocado · 17/09/2022 09:44

KassandraOfSparta · 16/09/2022 19:47

Right few things before you plunge straight in and turn everyone's lives upside down.

How much do you know about centimorgans and cousin matching? Half sibling will have between 1160 and 2436 shared centimorgans. The lower end of that range could also be a half niece/nephew, half aunt/uncle, first cousin... Make absolutely SURE that you have your story straight. If more than one person has tested then that helps a lot to sort out the relationships. The Shared Centimorgan project is a useful tool : dnapainter.com/tools/sharedcmv4

Secondly, yes people are usually open to messaging on Ancestry. But proceed with caution. You have no idea about why this match has tested. She may have just done it for fun, or had a kit bought as a gift, without any indication whatsoever that there were skeletons in the cupboard. Also, many people sign up for an Ancestry account purely to do an Ancestry test and lose .interest. Not getting a reply to emails is very very common.

If you and your mother are certain of what is going on, I would advise a very neutral message to start with along the lines of "Hi, just done a test and you're coming high on my list of matches, would love to speak more and find out how we're connected" rather than "OMG you're my Mum's half sister".

Although the nicest outcome is that your mum's new sibling is delighted and everyone lives happily ever after, be prepared for the shutters to come down and people to not want to know. Relationships are complex

Great advice

Quartz2208 · 17/09/2022 10:40

I would say yes contact but be prepared even the outcome of being happy and willing to make contact it brings up lots of emotions and changes how you view people

For example in my case we realise my great Nan found him to get divorced in 1951 by that point he had another children and he knew where my Nan was. Both of them hid that for the remainder of their lives and that has even for me and I’m not that connected brought up emotions

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/09/2022 10:41

Sure, otherwise you wouldn’t be on it.

Long as your mum is up for it.

funnelfanjo · 17/09/2022 19:39

To give you a viewpoint from the other side. I do enjoy a bit of family history, and so (I thought) did my MIL. Until my MIL got a letter from someone who is trying to trace their birth father’s family. The content of the letter checks out, and it looks like the birth father was an uncle of my MIL from the details of what was in the letter and my MILs memories of her Uncle. I looked up the letter writer and they have an open tree on Ancestry with the same story of what they’re trying to achieve. Seemed totally legit to me and DH.

Sadly my MIL totally freaked out. DH and I had to talk her down from being convinced it was a scammer. We pointed out that the letter writer just wanted to know where they came from and that even just hearing MIL’s memories of their mutual granny would probably mean a lot to them. Unfortunately we got nowhere. I do feel for the letter writer as they’re old and not in the best of health and just want closure but MIL was adamant that she wanted nothing to do with them.

So I second the suggestion of a neutral message that @KassandraOfSparta wrote upthread. The ball is then in their court if they are open to contact. Please do prepare your mum to not take it personally if no contact is returned. Fingers crossed for you.

Original poster

Dnaditherer · 18/09/2022 07:58

funnelfanjo · 17/09/2022 19:39

To give you a viewpoint from the other side. I do enjoy a bit of family history, and so (I thought) did my MIL. Until my MIL got a letter from someone who is trying to trace their birth father’s family. The content of the letter checks out, and it looks like the birth father was an uncle of my MIL from the details of what was in the letter and my MILs memories of her Uncle. I looked up the letter writer and they have an open tree on Ancestry with the same story of what they’re trying to achieve. Seemed totally legit to me and DH.

Sadly my MIL totally freaked out. DH and I had to talk her down from being convinced it was a scammer. We pointed out that the letter writer just wanted to know where they came from and that even just hearing MIL’s memories of their mutual granny would probably mean a lot to them. Unfortunately we got nowhere. I do feel for the letter writer as they’re old and not in the best of health and just want closure but MIL was adamant that she wanted nothing to do with them.

So I second the suggestion of a neutral message that @KassandraOfSparta wrote upthread. The ball is then in their court if they are open to contact. Please do prepare your mum to not take it personally if no contact is returned. Fingers crossed for you.

I wonder if your MIL freaked out because the writer actually wrote to her home address (and so too close for comfort) instead of messaging her through the ancestry site?
Did they point out how they managed to get her address in the first place?

OP posts:

funnelfanjo · 18/09/2022 17:43

*wonder if your MIL freaked out because the writer actually wrote to her home address (and so too close for comfort) instead of messaging her through the ancestry site?

Did they point out how they managed to get her address in the first place?*

@Dnaditherer you are probably correct in that it’s getting a letter to her address that felt (literally) too close to home. The letter wasn’t addressed to her specifically, just to the “family of” and her maiden name. Im guessing the letter writer was using the old phone book directories that Ancestry has from the 1960s and/or electoral rolls from more recent times and taking a punt that the current residents of the house would at least be able to forward it on. Old school sleuthing. MIL hasn’t done DNA - in fact I don’t think she even has an active Ancestry account any more.