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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I bin these friends?

30 replies

JazbayGrapes · 16/09/2022 12:52

Maybe this will sound childish, but I am really about to throw my toys out of a pram. Please bear with me...
I am in this friendship group over a year, we celebrate each other's birthdays and other occasions with nice meals out. About once a month. So far I haven't let anyone down. But now my birthday is coming up. One by one, friends decline invitation as they have something else on. Yesterday, i get a call from a friend A (who i thought kinda close and also she takes charge of organizing things), she said not to take it personally, but this is just inconvenient, and she and others have other plans. How about we postpone it for a month or two when everybody feels up to it? In her words... "better things to do in September". So I called her a cow and told her not to bother to invite me when its her day. I will also have better things to do.
Later, I get a call from friend B (obviously contacted by the friend A), she apologises, and suggests we should meet up in a middle of a week in a pub instead. I said i will think about it. But i really don't feel like going anywhere now.
So...
IABU - i need to suck it up, nobody owes me a night out at this specific time, and just go to the pub with them when its more convenient.
IANBU - they really don't like me and i shouldn't bother with them either.

Side note: friend A asked me to help her with a little community project. I would have loved to, but now I don't think i want to devote any time or effort, if a night out is such a mission impossible.

OP posts:

imaginationhasfailedme · 16/09/2022 13:20

Hmmm, personally i fear you may have dropped the name calling a little early (Although I understand the reaction).
Maybe go quiet and see who gets in touch with an invite to your postponed celebrations? Or just whether you get contacted with something fun rather than helping out with a project.
Then go from there? It's not nice when you've put energy into planning things and not have the thoughtfulness returned.

Original poster

JazbayGrapes · 16/09/2022 13:23

Yeah, maybe "cow" was a bit harsh on my part, but "Better things to do"? I feel quite insulted. Then relegated to a pub out of pity.

OP posts:

dmask · 16/09/2022 13:26

This is why my friends and I do a doodle poll to get a date when we are all available. If one of my friends called me a cow because I had plans, I wouldn’t be friends with them anymore, let alone want to go to the pub with them.

MajorCarolDanvers · 16/09/2022 13:29

So I called her a cow and told her not to bother to invite me when its her day

Jeezo - are you teenagers?

Original poster

JazbayGrapes · 16/09/2022 13:35

are you teenagers?

feels like it. Like back in secondary school. Or maybe its just me. But I do give my time and effort for others. But when its my turn - obviously nobody can be arsed.

OP posts:

misskatamari · 16/09/2022 13:39

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. If they already have plans...they already have plans. Putting things off for a few months is pretty crap, but surely for things like this you have to accept that people either a) might not all be able to make it on the date you want or you b)find a date that suits everyone, which might not be when the actual birthday is.

I honestly can't imagine ever name calling one of my friends. On that I think you've been really out of line. It's also quite a lot, to have been friends with a group for a year and to already be so invested in celebrating everyone's birthdays etc. it's obviously a lovely thing, if you can get people together for special occasions, but I do think you may be blowing this out of proportion

Original poster

JazbayGrapes · 16/09/2022 13:56

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. If they already have plans...they already have plans.

Thing is - we plan these nights well in advance, like a month, to make sure nobody is on holiday or something. But this time - they all made other plans afterwards. Things like nights out by themselves. I wouldn't do this to people, but that's just me...
I feel personally hurt by A.

OP posts:

Surtsey · 16/09/2022 14:02

Just bin the ruddy lot of them, life's too short to have shitty friends.

Opaljewel · 16/09/2022 14:02

I would also be pissed off if I made an effort for everyone else and not one bothered for me.

Find better friends. I would and I have.

It's not childish to be wanted to be treated fairly and with respect.

frazzledasarock · 16/09/2022 14:08

I can completely see where you’re coming from on this.

I think friend A is frantically back peddling as she’s realised she’s just lost her dogsbody for the project you were going to help out in.

I’d dump the lot too. You’ve put in effort for them, this has been organised well in advance and they’re cancelling on you and saying they have better things to do! That’s not how you speak to or treat people you care about!

EscapeTheCastle · 16/09/2022 14:09

Did I understand correctly that they made plans after your date was arranged? Then yes, I don't blame you for being annoyed.
Also A actually used those words " better things to do" - no wonder you are upset.

Why is a pub in the week not ok? Is it very different from what you wanted to do?

ihatethefuckingmuffin · 16/09/2022 14:14

A was a cow. Better things to do, I would have called her worse tbh.
Delay a month or 2. Excuse will be oh it’s hallowe’en, bonfire night and need to cut back cost of living and Christmas.

I would do as a pp said. Stop contacting them and see if any of them bother.

And I wouldn’t be inclined to have a pity pub meet up.

Ineedsleepandcoffee · 16/09/2022 14:15

If there was something obvious this month that was making it difficult to attend I would maybe say go easy on then but it sounds like they have just made other random plans in preference, even though they knew the date?

MRSE20 · 16/09/2022 14:15

I’ve read many posts on here where there’s always one friend that is upset because the friend groups always contribute to their birthday gifts and now it’s their turn they got nothing or now it’s their turn and no one is bothering to go to the birthday meet up

I’ve been there myself where I’ve made effort for friends and when it’s my birthday they suddenly all can’t go. To me it became apparent on many times that I was the one always getting cancelled on but always made effort for them or watched them made effort for each other. We’re no longer friends. This was when I was 20 so I agree it is childish behaviour and you can do better than them.

If it’s a one off then maybe I’d give them benefit of the doubt, things do happen and maybe their reasons are valid.

Original poster

JazbayGrapes · 16/09/2022 14:16

Why is a pub in the week not ok? Is it very different from what you wanted to do?

We usually go to nice restaurants as a group. Not too expensive, but like Italian or Chinese. I have nothing against pubs, but on principle it feels cheap.

OP posts:

quietnightmare · 16/09/2022 14:16

How old are your friendship group? Maybe "nights out" are becoming a bit young for them ?

Givemesunshines · 16/09/2022 14:16

I wouldnt hold the better things to do comment against those who didnt say it.
To the one who said it , i would contact them amd address it.
If its an important date / occasion , i always sound people out..ie are u all free on a set date? As diaries can get filled .

Choconut · 16/09/2022 14:19

Yeah friend A doesn't sound great - better things to do than celebrate your birthday with you at any point during the whole month? Friend B sounds like she's trying though. I would go to the pub thing so as not to appear childish and see how it goes. After that maybe just see some of the group separately.

Howardsbend · 16/09/2022 14:23

I can see why it would be hurtful but you called her a cow, that might be your last opportunity to make a choice.

XmasElf10 · 16/09/2022 14:24

If they had all agreed to come and are now cancelling (as it sounds from your update) then yes I’d be pissed and a midweek pint is not the same as a nice relaxed weekend meal (that they’d all originally agreed to and which is what is normal for your friends). I think if you turn down the pub they’ll all feel uncomfortable and guilty which will turn to feeling grumpy with you (because you showed them up) and they’ll drift off. Wouldn’t bother me but I’m not keen on people generally and don’t put up with being made to feel shit.

Original poster

JazbayGrapes · 16/09/2022 14:33

How old are your friendship group? Maybe "nights out" are becoming a bit young for them ?

We're very mixed age. Our "nights out" -- usually a nice dinner, followed by cocktails. We're all women, but our men sometimes tag along. I think i will say yes to a pub, as i really don't want to completely fall out, but as for A, i will not bother that much with her anymore. We go back longer than the "group" so i thought our friendship was a bit more important. Obviously not.

OP posts:

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 16/09/2022 14:52

If they make an offer of the pub honestly I'd just say 'i have better things to do'. They aren't friends op, more likely users but you've never noticed.

Petesbowtie9 · 16/09/2022 14:53

Maybe they’ve organised a surprise outing/party?!

woodhill · 16/09/2022 14:58

Yes they have had a good time for their birthdays in the group but now it's your turn they can't be bothered so not very equal

nancydroo · 16/09/2022 15:10

Definitely do not bother with the project. Put as little effort into them as that do with you from now on. Yanbu

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