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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cut off friends and find new ones?

37 replies

coolaidUK · 16/09/2022 08:15

I was 40 last Friday and my partner, mum and children made it a lovely night on my birthday, we had a great Saturday day finding a gorgeous new place to eat and went to a really fun day festival on Sunday, perfect!

Saturday night I had planned to have friends over to celebrate with a bbq. My oldest friend messaged on the Friday (my birthday) to say she assumed the bbq was off which I said yes so I'm thinking drinks, music and maybe some drunken twister haha. After all it was my 40th, bbq or not. She said she'll pass on that and all week has tried to arrange coming over as she's being "pulled in all directions" this week so needs to plan when she's seeing me.

I've gone back to college and I have a 3 month old so in the week is pretty much out for me (why I chose my birthday weekend for her to come over).

My other close friend booked a holiday for last weekend after saying she would be there for my birthday.

The third close friend cancelled saying she couldn't get a babysitter after me telling her so many times that my own 3 children would be here so just come on over with the kids.

Baring in mind these 3 people were supposed to be my bridesmaids and originally we had planned to go dress shopping on the Saturday but I've postponed it due to baby weight!

I don't know if maybe I've hung on to friendships for the wrong reasons or if I'm acting a bit like a spoilt brat by cutting them off for not coming to see me on my 40th?

I spoke to a guy in college about this and he said sometimes when you let friends go, as hard as it is for a little while with no close friends, you end up creating space for genuine people in your life - a kinda good way to think about it.

My oldest friend has been flakey for years and maybe it's the last straw here not sure, AIBU to just create that space for better friends?

OP posts:
pictish · 16/09/2022 08:22

You don’t have to cut them off, just lower your expectations and create more room in your life for other people. Match their effort with your own.

NancyVicious · 16/09/2022 08:25

Honestly, by our age everyone has a lot of responsibilities whether it be children, work, study. I struggle to attend things like this because I'm so wiped out after a long week working and get only a few hours with my partner and children at the weekend. It's just part and parcel of being older, I don't see any friends for my own birthday unless we are working together that day

Original poster
coolaidUK · 16/09/2022 08:27

NancyVicious · 16/09/2022 08:25

Honestly, by our age everyone has a lot of responsibilities whether it be children, work, study. I struggle to attend things like this because I'm so wiped out after a long week working and get only a few hours with my partner and children at the weekend. It's just part and parcel of being older, I don't see any friends for my own birthday unless we are working together that day

I'd accept this if they all had children. My oldest friend lives at home with her parents, works part time work no responsibilities. Plus wants to see me on her terms this week. Feels a bit odd when this day had been set aside for months due to the bridesmaid shopping

OP posts:
Original poster
coolaidUK · 16/09/2022 08:28

pictish · 16/09/2022 08:22

You don’t have to cut them off, just lower your expectations and create more room in your life for other people. Match their effort with your own.

That's my other halfs suggestion too. Think I'm just a bit pissed off so feelings a bit reactionary right now

OP posts:
Original poster
coolaidUK · 16/09/2022 08:30

NancyVicious · 16/09/2022 08:25

Honestly, by our age everyone has a lot of responsibilities whether it be children, work, study. I struggle to attend things like this because I'm so wiped out after a long week working and get only a few hours with my partner and children at the weekend. It's just part and parcel of being older, I don't see any friends for my own birthday unless we are working together that day

Also both my other friends committed to bridesmaids shopping this day too but as soon as the shopping was off and just my birthday celebrations decided to book a holiday with her other mate

OP posts:
ClaryFairchild · 16/09/2022 08:30

Well, you could cut them off temporarily, and then when you don't feel as hurt anymore go down the "giving less of a damn about them" route.

GoneWithTheWine1 · 16/09/2022 08:30

I think asking one friend to bring her kids completely changed the dynamic how can you all get drunk and have a good time when there's DC to look after and see too. So in that sense I understand.

As you get older you have more responsibility and less time for fun, I wouldn't drop them completely but maybe find some more friends.

Newgirls · 16/09/2022 08:33

I think the changing plans probably confused matters

lots of people without kids go away in sept as prices are cheaper

so they were a bit rubbish but it seems a shame not to cut them off. Definitely make more mates and maybe let these ones invite you to something and take it from there

Strugglingtodomybest · 16/09/2022 08:34

I agree with Pictish. There's no need to cut them off completely.

I think making space for new friends would be a good move though, I'd be upset if the person I consider my closest friend didn't make an effort of my 40th (and I don't normally celebrate my birthday much, but the 40th is a big one!).

NoDairyNoProblem · 16/09/2022 08:37

You seem to be looking at their lack of effort, changing plans etc… but not your own.

Dress shopping postponed, they will still be going with you in the future so Saturday was now an extra day.
BBQ changed to drunken twister… that wouldn’t be my idea of fun either in all honesty.

I would get a date for dresses in the diary and take it from there.

StopFeckingFaffing · 16/09/2022 08:39

It sounds like the flakiness goes both ways. You cancelled the BBQ but expected them to turn up anyway and cancelled dress shopping due to weight gain.

If plans are fluid then it makes it easier for people to drop out so I think you need to accept some of the blame

ThisUserNameIsAvailableOk · 16/09/2022 08:43

Drunken twister is probably the clincher. I wouldn't want to do that at all, a bbq yes. Drunken twister with lots of kids, not really.

I think you should've stuck to the shopping and bbq plan! The holiday one can't be helped, you wouldn't begrudge a friend a holiday for a bbq you cancelled anyway would you?!

Original poster
coolaidUK · 16/09/2022 08:45

StopFeckingFaffing · 16/09/2022 08:39

It sounds like the flakiness goes both ways. You cancelled the BBQ but expected them to turn up anyway and cancelled dress shopping due to weight gain.

If plans are fluid then it makes it easier for people to drop out so I think you need to accept some of the blame

Bbq was off due to weather, doesn't mean coming over is off because the menu has changed?

OP posts:
mybest · 16/09/2022 08:47

Drunken twister would be my idea of hell, maybe that’s why they cancelled

PangoPurrl · 16/09/2022 08:56

Just wanted to post to say I hear you OP, a lot of the replies sound like they've come from your 'friends'!! I'm assuming you know these people very well, due to the lengths of your friendships, so therefore you haven't been at all flaky in the suggested changes to original plans. The point seems to be that these are supposed to be close friends, getting together for your 40th meant something to you, but they've used the tiniest excuses to bail on you. I'm really sorry this has happened, and am happy that your family stepped up so it hasn't been all bad. Stepping back sounds like a good plan, hopefully they'll all realise they've been a bit slack and will find ways to show they care soon.

YouAreNotBatman · 16/09/2022 08:56

Have you been waiting for an excuse to drop them?

Because it comes off like that.

Life happens and it wasn’t a big, important party, just a bbq.
Not all adults take birthdays seriously.

Luredbyapomegranate · 16/09/2022 08:58

pictish · 16/09/2022 08:22

You don’t have to cut them off, just lower your expectations and create more room in your life for other people. Match their effort with your own.

Exactly. No need for drama.

Original poster
coolaidUK · 16/09/2022 08:59

mybest · 16/09/2022 08:47

Drunken twister would be my idea of hell, maybe that’s why they cancelled

It's been a past time of ours at all our birthdays

OP posts:
hellosunshineagainxxx · 16/09/2022 09:01

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Its your 40th, if they can't even spare a couple of hours for you when its been planned for ages they aren't prioritising you or your relationship. Me and my best friends all have young kids but we still make the effort for big birthdays and celebrations.

Original poster
coolaidUK · 16/09/2022 09:01

ThisUserNameIsAvailableOk · 16/09/2022 08:43

Drunken twister is probably the clincher. I wouldn't want to do that at all, a bbq yes. Drunken twister with lots of kids, not really.

I think you should've stuck to the shopping and bbq plan! The holiday one can't be helped, you wouldn't begrudge a friend a holiday for a bbq you cancelled anyway would you?!

Drunken twister is kinda what we've always done at all our birthdays for years - the one friend that has kids has them as teens like me and they've been able to join in for years too. Adults just have a drink.

The only difference this year is that I have a 3 month old so my partner would stay sober so I can have a drink on my 40th

OP posts:
GroggyLegs · 16/09/2022 09:03

I don't think it's unreasonable to be upset that your closest friends dropped out of your party last-minute. I agree a change in menu doesn't mean the whole day is off.

But YABU to flip to cutting them off. Just find some additional friends.

Original poster
coolaidUK · 16/09/2022 09:04

PangoPurrl · 16/09/2022 08:56

Just wanted to post to say I hear you OP, a lot of the replies sound like they've come from your 'friends'!! I'm assuming you know these people very well, due to the lengths of your friendships, so therefore you haven't been at all flaky in the suggested changes to original plans. The point seems to be that these are supposed to be close friends, getting together for your 40th meant something to you, but they've used the tiniest excuses to bail on you. I'm really sorry this has happened, and am happy that your family stepped up so it hasn't been all bad. Stepping back sounds like a good plan, hopefully they'll all realise they've been a bit slack and will find ways to show they care soon.

Thanks.

I'm quite a committed person in all my relationships and even when the baby was 2 weeks old I had already when pregnant bought my oldest friend her card and pressie and at 2 weeks old it was mine and my baby's first outing to go to my friends 39th birthday get together for an hour. She seemed really appreciative but can't come over for my 40th because the weather meant the bbq was off - it just seems one sided the friendship so I think backing off to make room for healthier friendships that's a 2 way street will be my way forward, thank you

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 16/09/2022 09:07

I would be disappointed too - a 40th birthday is a milestone, even if there isn't a massive party, and it sounds like your friends just couldn't be arsed to go, for reasons that were not compelling.

I wouldn't cut them off, because I don't agree that having no friends makes it easier to find new ones - on the contrary, I think it raises red flags for potential new friends. Keep your current friends on the back burner and see them occasionally, but be clear in your mind that those friendships have gone a stale and you are actively seeking new friendships.

Dillydaffy · 16/09/2022 09:08

I cut off a very old friend (childhood) because she is an alcoholic and her toxicity was destroying so much in our friendship group. It was really really really hard. But I don’t regret it for one moment and I wouldn’t want her in my life now as she continues to behave in the way she did when we were last friends 20 years ago. Other friends of ours who didn’t make such a clean cut continue to suffer and give her ‘one more chance’ but she never changes.

Original poster
coolaidUK · 16/09/2022 09:10

hellosunshineagainxxx · 16/09/2022 09:01

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Its your 40th, if they can't even spare a couple of hours for you when its been planned for ages they aren't prioritising you or your relationship. Me and my best friends all have young kids but we still make the effort for big birthdays and celebrations.

Exactly this.

There's a girl that I'm friends with but we haven't been friends for long, she has a 4 year old and she came no problem.

I attended my oldest friends birthday for an hour when the baby was 2 weeks old (she's now 3 months). We only stayed for an hour because of her age and I was knackered but I made the effort for my friend.

I think people are so keen to use children as an excuse and only 1 of those 3 people in the post have children anyway.

Which is also not the point as my own children were here and other people's children so it's not an excuse. Life happens of course but it's not only marriage type relationships that take work and commitment in my opinion - friendships don't just magically last without 2 way effort

OP posts: