To cut off friends and find new ones?

[coolaidUK]

I was 40 last Friday and my partner, mum and children made it a lovely night on my birthday, we had a great Saturday day finding a gorgeous new place to eat and went to a really fun day festival on Sunday, perfect!

Saturday night I had planned to have friends over to celebrate with a bbq. My oldest friend messaged on the Friday (my birthday) to say she assumed the bbq was off which I said yes so I'm thinking drinks, music and maybe some drunken twister haha. After all it was my 40th, bbq or not. She said she'll pass on that and all week has tried to arrange coming over as she's being "pulled in all directions" this week so needs to plan when she's seeing me.

I've gone back to college and I have a 3 month old so in the week is pretty much out for me (why I chose my birthday weekend for her to come over).

My other close friend booked a holiday for last weekend after saying she would be there for my birthday.

The third close friend cancelled saying she couldn't get a babysitter after me telling her so many times that my own 3 children would be here so just come on over with the kids.

Baring in mind these 3 people were supposed to be my bridesmaids and originally we had planned to go dress shopping on the Saturday but I've postponed it due to baby weight!

I don't know if maybe I've hung on to friendships for the wrong reasons or if I'm acting a bit like a spoilt brat by cutting them off for not coming to see me on my 40th?

I spoke to a guy in college about this and he said sometimes when you let friends go, as hard as it is for a little while with no close friends, you end up creating space for genuine people in your life - a kinda good way to think about it.

My oldest friend has been flakey for years and maybe it's the last straw here not sure, AIBU to just create that space for better friends?

I have other friends that came but these 3 were the closest to me and did mean a lot to me. Which is why I'm so upset by it I think.

But yes maybe not cut them off but like someone else suggested maybe instead of making efforts just treat them with the same importance they've treated me

They’re your ex best friends, I would be so hurt by their actions. They’re old friends that were very important to you once but it’s time you find your new crew

I think this is what's happening with my oldest friend mentioned in the post - not alcohol or anything like that but her flakiness.

I'm in a whatsapp group with the oldest friend and one girl left yesterday as the oldest friend isn't attending her wedding.

Oldest friend is blaming 'mercury retrograde' this week for other friends overreaction - which I'm staying out of because you can't piss 2 people off in a week for being flakey then blame mercury retrograde - there's such a thing as taking responsibility for how you're treating people.

So I don't think it's personal to me I think she's being flakey with everyone and our other friend has had enough. I don't want to be that person giving her a load of chances so I think I'm done too

Thanks. Think this is the way to go

I did the same to a few friends last year. Slightly different situation but I always instigated meet ups, birthdays, etc. Everyone was always up for it, but at the last minute most would pull out. I was always left feeling like absolute shit, the food and drink that got wasted, the time and effort.

I decided to just stop making plans, and we are now coming up to 3 months of no contact! Sad really, and it hurts. But I have discovered the people who really do want to spend time with me, and it’s a nice feeling.

OP I hope you had an amazing 40th ❤️

I think your partner is right. Whilst I’m sure your college mate’s heart is in the right place, he does sound a bit like he’s overdosed on the self-help books and positive thinking memes. Real life isn’t always so easy and, unless you want to make a point of dropping these friends in the hope they’ll come running for forgiveness, I’d just be a bit more realistic about how much time you all have for one another. You don’t need to ditch old friends to find new ones.

@BroomHandledMouser I'll take a leaf out of your book. I'm glad you've found people who slow you they care.

Thank you yes the rest of my birthday was lovely ❤️

@coolaidUK Thing is as well, your reaction is totally justified. You love these people and you want them to make an effort, I get it.

I always remember being told that you can never control other peoples actions, but you can control your own.

You sound like a caring person OP, don’t let it make you feel like shit. Head up, tits out (joke) and concentrate on those who value you x

It sounds like you've changed plans a bit too?

Overall though I agree, when you let friends go others appear. My main freindship group really disappointed me in the days before DH funeral and let me down with some small things they'd agreed to do on the day. They all had their reasons and they were only small things but it hurt at the time and I didn't want to be around them.

I didn't cut them off as such, but I have stepped back and as if by magic have become closer to some other "acquaintances" and my social life has never been so busy.

You seem to have a lot going on right now. You are 40, back at college have a young baby and are planning a wedding. Maybe that just puts you at a different stage of life? I appreciate it's not nice when friends are flakey especially when a date had been in the calendar for a long while but if you won't be calling them out on it then I'd just let it go and dial down your interactions.

Another thing is that people can be funny about milestones and 40 is a big one. Most people have their shit together by then but it sowlunds like some of your friends might find it hard to celebrate when you've got lots of new, exciting things going on in your life.

I think your friends have been a bit shit and I can't totally understand why you are upset and hurt.

But is your post here about the single friend who lives with parents and works part time? I wonder if she's having a bit of a not quite mid life crisis at the moment? She's nearly 40? Single, no kids, living at home and her mates are getting married, having kids, in their own homes etc. Maybe she's struggling with that? Obviously she should tell you honestly if that's the case, rather than being flakey and dropping out of things, but just wondering if there could be another side to it? Of course if she's consciously made those choices and is very happy with them, that's different too.

@Notjusta her and her boyfriend are looking for somewhere to move in together at the moment. She's a little anti marriage so that isn't really an issue and they've spoken about babies and that's in the plan after they've moved in together. So her life is moving forward, she's back with her parents as she sold her old house and moved in with them until her and her boyfriend can find somewhere suitable (he house shares so couldn't move in with him)