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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to talk about work sometimes with DP?

44 replies

Howthoughtful · 15/09/2022 08:42

Last night I was in the kitchen when DP came in and we started chatting about casual stuff (dinner, needing things from the shop etc). After a lull in the conversation I mentioned something about work, and DP immediately went to the freezer to get something out - he said he was “happy to talk” but was going to sort dinner out while chatting as he was starving (but didn’t respond to what I’d said).

he asked me if I wanted anything to eat, I said no as I wasn’t hungry, so he got himself a ready meal. As he was piercing the ready meal cover I mentioned the work thing again (someone is leaving and I’m a bit gutted about it) - he must have pierced the plastic 20/30 times really aggressively, and again didn’t respond.

I left it a while, and then said something along the lines of “I’m trying to talk to you but you’re not answering me” and he flipped out, told me he didn’t give a “fucking shit about my work” and “doesn’t want to keep hearing about it”.

This isn’t the first time he’s told me that he doesn’t care about hearing about work, so I’ve made an effort to not speak about it unless it’s relevant. The thing is I’ve recently been promoted and my job is fairly high stress (more so now I’m in a new role) and sometimes I just need someone to vent to. I can’t speak to anyone at work about is as a lot of my work friends have moved on. It’s gotten to the point that I have constant tension headaches from stress, although not sure if that’s work or home.

AIBU to want to chat about work sometimes with my partner? I know work talk can be really boring, but it would be nice to have someone to chat to about it occasionally that isn’t a work colleague. I’m more than happy to listen to DP when he talks about work and his awful manager, and give him as much advice as possible (including helping him fill out an application for a new role, and even write down some pointers for the interview questions).

Happy to be told I’m being completely unreasonable too, would be good to see if this is normal or not in other relationships.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 15/09/2022 08:45

Yanbu- he doesn’t care about you if he doesn’t want to hear about your work or your day yet expects you to fill out job applications for him - it shouldn’t be one way traffic op but you know this

YellowTreeHouse · 15/09/2022 08:49

There has to be more to this. Nobody freaks out over hearing about someone else’s work for no reason.

toooldtodate · 15/09/2022 08:51

Honestly.....my STBEXH was like this - it was a sign that he just wasn't interested in my life and the things that were important to me. Just another example of how one sided our marriage was. (And yes I also had to listen to him talk about his work and colleagues and show the appropriate amount of interest).

TimeAtTheBar · 15/09/2022 08:51

Is he in a job that he perceives as lower status than you? I’d bet my last fiver he is.

He’s jealous and has hurty man feels. Prat.

Original poster

Howthoughtful · 15/09/2022 08:52

@YellowTreeHouse he was hungry, so the nasty reaction could have came from being hangry. But whenever I talk about work I’ll get an eye roll and a sarcastic comment, so it’s definitely not a one off occurrence.

OP posts:

Flatandhappy · 15/09/2022 08:53

I can’t imagine living with someone (a) so bloody rude, (b) who is so uninterested in my life and (c) unwilling to give me some psychological support. It’s tempting to advise that the next time he talks about work tell him you don’t give a shit about his job so stop talking to you about it, the grown up way is to have a conversation with him on the lines of “when you tell me you don’t give a shit about my work and don’t want to hear about it I feel upset and unsupported”.

Shoxfordian · 15/09/2022 08:55

Are you more successful than him? Sounds like he resents you

Original poster

Howthoughtful · 15/09/2022 08:56

@TimeAtTheBar I think you’re right there! He works in customer service for a well known brand and does talk about how crap he thinks his job is. I think it’s fine! Some people just want a job that they can leave at work and not have to think about it at home, which I completely get. I’d never make him feel bad about what he does for work, if that’s what he wants to do and he’s happy then that’s perfect.

OP posts:

cheninblanc · 15/09/2022 08:58

It depends on how often you talk about it, do you repeat the same things and ignore any solution or advice given? My dh goes on and on, I'm bored of it, but anything I suggest to change or make it better is met with road blocks that aren't really blocks, so maybe this latest upset is a long line of it? I mentally switch off now but am interested in all other areas of his life! We have a lovely marriage but cannot bear the same conversations over and over about hours work

Original poster

Howthoughtful · 15/09/2022 09:01

@Shoxfordian I’d say so, but only over the past 3/4 years. Before then I worked in jobs similar to his. Not to get too deep but growing up i was raised by a single mother who did such an amazing job, but I want to be able to give my DD the things I never had growing up. So I changed careers and worked as hard as I could to further myself. I work in a recognised profession (nothing super fancy, but it’s a good stable job that I enjoy).

OP posts:

Welshrarebitontoast · 15/09/2022 09:03

This will escalate and you'll be in the horrible situation I'm in, so nip it in the bud now.

I have a very stressful job and work long hours. I have numerous deadlines that are difficult to meet and between December and March it is bedlam. I also have a significant commute.

Whenever i walk into the house after work, before i even get to take me coat off I get bounced on by husband immediately, whinging about his colleagues, what a shit day he's had, how awful everything is. He'll shout up the stairs after me if i need to run to the loo, follow me into the kitchen as i need to start making dinner and its just one long monologue barely drawing breath. I literally don't get two minutes to unwind from my own day but have to listen to every word he says.

Should i ever dare to open my mouth and say "I've had a shit day", he picks up the remote control turns the TV on and just stares at the screen.

Don't be as stupid as me.

You deserve better.

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 15/09/2022 09:06

Obvious arsehole who is jealous of your success compared to his. Probably not fixable. Is your DD his?

GiantTortoise · 15/09/2022 09:09

He sounds really unsupportive OP. It's completely natural to talk about something at work that's bothering you, like your colleague leaving - it's not like you were going on about some boring IT issue.

GeriSignfeld · 15/09/2022 09:10

It depends - do you regularly offload your day onto your partner & talk "at" them?
Need more context here

Deliaskis · 15/09/2022 09:10

Yeah, sounds like he can't stand that you have a more rewarding job/career than him, it bruises his masculine ego, and the fact that the woman he says he loves just wants a bit of a chat and support is far far less important than his masculine ego.

I'd be willing to bet that if/ when children are in the picture, he'll also still expect you to take the time off when they're sick etc, cos again, masculine ego is the most important thing of all and must be pandered to at all times.

Original poster

Howthoughtful · 15/09/2022 09:11

@MaybeIWillFuckOffThen yes she’s his (10 years old). It’s just odd because he’ll complain about his job, but he doesn’t want to look for anything else in a different industry. He was going to apply for a role in my place around 2 years ago, and I told him that I’d help with advice on how to answer and what the questions meant if he wanted me to. When it came to crunch time he “couldn’t be arsed” to apply for it.

OP posts:

Deliaskis · 15/09/2022 09:14

Sorry just realised you already have a DD, half my post not relevant then! Apologies.

Original poster

Howthoughtful · 15/09/2022 09:15

@GeriSignfeld i don’t think I talk at him, if it’s something really bothering me then I’ll want to talk it through and ask for advice on what to do. As he’s made it clear that he doesn’t want to hear about it I’ll try to keep it as a minimum and only talk about important things, like getting a promotion, someone leaving, absolutely awful day that made me cry because I’m so stressed etc. i definitely don’t give him a blow by blow of my entire day.

OP posts:

Original poster

Howthoughtful · 15/09/2022 09:19

I think what irritates me the most is that I earn the most and put more toward the bills (which is fair!) yet he’ll waste his money leaving me in the shit as he’s a gambler.

He doesn’t do any housework unless I specifically ask him, and then complains that I’m emasculating him. But if I want help I have to ask for it?! It doesn’t make sense! Doesn’t help with DD, he couldn’t even tell you her shoe size. Doesn’t fix things, doesn’t cook…there’s so much more that I won’t bore you all with, but after all I do it would be nice for him to listen to me when I really need it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Howthoughtful · 15/09/2022 09:20

And the obvious next question is “why are you still with him?” And I honestly don’t know. We’ve been together for so long that he’s all I know. In a perfect world he’d just be my friend and we could co-parent, but that would never happen.

OP posts:

KILM · 15/09/2022 09:21

Ooooh he handled this badly. I saw on another thread a while back talking about this someone suggest agreeing to 10 minutes each, if needed, so you both felt heard and it didnt go on forever if you both needed decompression time. Bit rigid but it might work. After you've pointed out to him how spectacularly fucking rude to you he was and how he cant expect you to listen to him if he wont do the same back.

KILM · 15/09/2022 09:23

Oh just read your last posts! Oh screw this guy. He doesnt respect you at all, expects you to be his maid and credit card? You deserve better than this. And your daughter does too.

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 15/09/2022 09:25

Well, first off I'd say it's pretty rubbish to be the venting receipeint for your partner's work stress all the time. DH goes through periods of doing it, and I try be supportive, but my god is it wearing sometimes. Constant droaning on about people and things I have no clue about and how stressful and shit everything is. I sometimes have to back away from it as it's really quite depressing and stressful for me. Of course we should be able to share things with our partners and have their support, but also they are not there for us to dump all our work crap on.

But, it does sound like there's more to it with your OH. He does seem resentful, and like there's a toxic vibe between the two of you. His reaction to your work story was pretty shitty and aggressive.

mountainsunsets · 15/09/2022 09:26

Why do posts like this always come with a massive drip feed? 🙄

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 15/09/2022 09:29

When you talk about work what kind of things are you saying? DH bores the crap out of me with this ridiculously low level detail about how he got a call from someone complaining about something and it all started because the first person he spoke to raised a job not a quote and if you raise a quote it will go to the approver but if you raise a job it will ..........

The story can last 10 mins and be summed up to 'first line are fucking up and causing complaints'.

When I've spent my whole day working and dealing with all the annoyances that come with work I just don't feel patient enough to listen to 10 mins of boring detail.

I do because he obviously needs to get it off his chest and I give the appropriate verbal nods and responses but I'm not interested in the conversation.

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