To want to talk about work sometimes with DP?

[Howthoughtful]

Last night I was in the kitchen when DP came in and we started chatting about casual stuff (dinner, needing things from the shop etc). After a lull in the conversation I mentioned something about work, and DP immediately went to the freezer to get something out - he said he was “happy to talk” but was going to sort dinner out while chatting as he was starving (but didn’t respond to what I’d said).

he asked me if I wanted anything to eat, I said no as I wasn’t hungry, so he got himself a ready meal. As he was piercing the ready meal cover I mentioned the work thing again (someone is leaving and I’m a bit gutted about it) - he must have pierced the plastic 20/30 times really aggressively, and again didn’t respond.

I left it a while, and then said something along the lines of “I’m trying to talk to you but you’re not answering me” and he flipped out, told me he didn’t give a “fucking shit about my work” and “doesn’t want to keep hearing about it”.

This isn’t the first time he’s told me that he doesn’t care about hearing about work, so I’ve made an effort to not speak about it unless it’s relevant. The thing is I’ve recently been promoted and my job is fairly high stress (more so now I’m in a new role) and sometimes I just need someone to vent to. I can’t speak to anyone at work about is as a lot of my work friends have moved on. It’s gotten to the point that I have constant tension headaches from stress, although not sure if that’s work or home.

AIBU to want to chat about work sometimes with my partner? I know work talk can be really boring, but it would be nice to have someone to chat to about it occasionally that isn’t a work colleague. I’m more than happy to listen to DP when he talks about work and his awful manager, and give him as much advice as possible (including helping him fill out an application for a new role, and even write down some pointers for the interview questions).

Happy to be told I’m being completely unreasonable too, would be good to see if this is normal or not in other relationships.

FGS, get rid of this loser. You have outgrown him.

And there it is.....

This is not just about talking about work OP.

He is a waste of space. On all counts.

Me and DP have different types of job - think police Officer Vs shop worker. We listen to each other for 5 to 10 minutes a day allowing us both to chill out at the end of each day. It's not hard.

Sorry about the drip feed. I wasn’t going to bring it up to be honest as it didn’t seem relevant to the post (as that’s more my feelings than his) but the more I think about it the more annoyed I get!

The conversations don’t drone on, it’ll be more a case of “my manager wants me to create xyz by the end of the month, but I don’t know how to use that software and I’m panicking”.

I just thought of all people your partner will be the one person who has your back and listens to you when you need someone to talk to.

So to clarify

*You pay the lions share of the bills/household costs.
*You do all of the cooking/cleaning/DIY whilst he does none.
*He's rude to you.
*He doesn't care enough about you to talk about things important to you like your job but he makes you listen to him rambling on about stuff important to you.
*He's jealous of you and doesn't support you in your successes.
*He'a a gambler.

What's the point of him in your life?;is he father of the year and has a golden penis?

He thinks you asking him to do his share in the house is 'emasculating him' 🙄

In fairness, Listening to someone venting can be draining

The drip feed clearly shows that he is feckless. Why do you want to be with him??

Your op is one tiny symptom of a much bigger problem.

Do you think you're in the wrong for being negatively affected by a "partner" who has no respect for you, no interest in you, and doesn't pull his weight in your shared life?

Even your comment about just being friends who co-parent as an alternative - I quite happily listen to my friends talking about work (without expecting them to act on my advice, sometimes people just need to air things), he would not even do that for you.

Is he even being a good friend to you?

He's lazy, jealous, a poor parent and a gambler.

Really don't understand why you're still with him

My dh runs a business I'm in a much lower role however he can ask me what I think about something and vice versa / irs about being engaged in one another's lives and interested

My DP is the reason my career has developed as much as it has in the past 18 months. He works in a totally different industry and capability to me, but his support, advice and experience help me regularly. I've just started a new role and he was helping me get to grips with some of my new project until past 11pm last night.

Honestly, what you have right there with you is not even baseline acceptable, never mind ideal. Ditch him and find yourself able to cope with work and life so much more easily straight away.

You'd prefer to be just friends and co-parent. That's your answer. The fact that you needed to question whether you're being unreasonable by complaining is a sign your self esteem is worn away.

Stop doing some of the chores. Let them build up and see what he does. Treat yourself and daughter to Deliveroo (doesn't have to be unhealthy). Hire domestic help if husband doesn't step up. He spends his money on gambling so you can spend extra money too!

Confide in a trusted friend/family member and get their support to leave him for a MUCH better life.

this is how I feel exactly.

Then you added that he is a gambler and doesn't lift a finger round the house.

Honestly? He is a useless lump taking up space and emotional energy!

Part of the reason ex DP is an ex
constantly shut me down over anything conversation wise that didn’t interest him but expected me to listen to minute details of his work, hobbies and interests and even remember something minor from years ago

I’m hoping this isn’t real because the prognosis is miserable.

Your partner is jealous and resentful of your success. You started on much the same level and now you have outstripped him. He saw how hard you worked to do it, he doesn’t have either the energy or the brain power to do the same. And he must hate it when you offer to help him with applications!

And then you add in all the other stuff. Gambling is a place where he escapes from his perceived failure as ‘head of the household’. It will only get worse as he seeks to punish you for growing beyond him.

Up to you whether you want to live your life like this …

Why do these posts never include how much of shit person DH is on top of the issue in the OP. It's gone from just an issue about him not listening to him being a gambler, lazy, jealous. Just leave him, don't try work out a relationship with these people they are not worth it and they won't change.

Jesus what an awful person he is. Please don't stay with a man like this when you have a daughter, think of all the low expectations she's internalising.

Well this is the real issue isn't it.

As an aside my DH talks about work a lot and inwardly I'm always screaming I don't give a shit. If its something he needs support with or needs some emotional support as stressed then of course I genuinely listen and do what I can. But general work chat especially after I've been at work all day I really don't give 2 hoots about.