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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask a mum I’ve only just met for a coffee?

79 replies

mum2225 · 14/09/2022 22:30

I met a lovely mum this morning at a playgroup whose son is similar age (3.5 yrs) to mine. I really liked her, am feeling lonely (we’ve just moved to a new area) and am keen to make friends, but my DH thinks it’s too soon to invite her over for a coffee/playdate. If I see her again, would it be weird to invite her over? We only chatted for a couple of minutes and I don’t want to seem too pushy or desperate! What would you do?

OP posts:
SD1978 · 15/09/2022 06:58

I'd do a park date first. An interaction with someone briefly at a group toddler event is vastly different to a 1 on 1. For both of you. Much easier to head off with no insult from a public meet up if either of you aren't really enjoying it.

Blueblell · 15/09/2022 07:00

See if she wants to meet with the kids at the park or soft play or somewhere the kids can play and you can chat over a coffee. I made a good friend like this many years ago and even though the kids turned out to have different interests as they have got older we have always stayed friends.

Anothernosebleed · 15/09/2022 07:05

Do it, I did! I met a mum at a group last week (its a very small SEN group with only three children in attendance that started last week). We clicked, I added her on Facebook then and there so I could send her a link to some equipment that might be useful for her DC. Then at this weeks group I suggested that next week we go for a coffee after the group and she was all for it!

Will also invite the dad of the other child there next week :)

Firecat84 · 15/09/2022 07:06

I'd be delighted to be invited over to another mum's house for a coffee - just go for it! She's probably super bored of the park.

imisscashmere · 15/09/2022 07:06

I’ve exchanged phone numbers with quite a few mums after meeting in parks and chatting just a few minutes. Almost always the other person has suggested it, but it’s been kind of obvious the conversation was leading there… it’s how stay at home parents / mums on maternity leave make friends and get some adult contact in!

One of the people I met this way is now a very close friend of mine.

So no, I don’t think it’s weird at all.

Snowpaw · 15/09/2022 07:09

Most of the mum friends I have came from one or both of us making ourselves vulnerable early on and just diving in with an invitation to hang out / meet for a play etc. bite the bullet and go for it!

Mardyface · 15/09/2022 07:19

I don't think it's weird at all. As others say, the park is more casual. You want to make friends with people who are open to new friendships so if she thinks it's too much maybe she's not one to be friends with anyway.

I'm interested as to why your H is advising you to wait though. Is he shy or unforthcoming? Is he at work while you're at home so doesn't understand you don't make easy casual relationships without having to ask like yours can at work? Or does he know something about you we don't and has he good reason for this advice?

TenoringBehind · 15/09/2022 07:26

Not weird at all. Just do it!

georgarina · 15/09/2022 07:34

I would do a casual 'We'll be back here at X time,' and ask to swap numbers. Bit more casual and then you could ask when you see each other again.

crochetmonkey74 · 15/09/2022 07:37

Do it. My much missed best friend became my best friend as on our first day at our new workplace she said "do you want to come to my house for tea next week?"
We had met for about 10 mins and had a little chat.

sandgrown · 15/09/2022 07:46

I saw a lady at baby clinic and we chatted every week and often walked part way home together . After a few months she asked me what I did during the day . I would have been happy to meet but I was returning to work the following week . I think it must have taken courage to ask me and I always feel bad I didn’t take her number and try and arrange something for weekend . Chat to her again OP and if you still like her ask if she like to meet at the park or somewhere rather than home to start with .

Somethingsnappy · 15/09/2022 08:11

I've just moved house, and on my first day picking the kids up from their new school, another mum who I'd been chatting to for five minutes asked if I'd like to meet up for a playdate. I was a bit surprised, but we've met up a few times now and get on very well. It's nice.

giveitawhirl · 15/09/2022 08:24

I’d get to know her to the point you consider each other ‘friendly acquaintances’ before inviting her over. Otherwise it comes across as desperate.

Ariela · 15/09/2022 08:25

I would say to her '(my child) and (your son) seem to get on so well, would you both like to come over for coffee one day next week? ' Or 'meet at xx park - we can grab a coffee in the coffee shop' - or whatever.

Delatron · 15/09/2022 08:34

I think sometimes you just click with people! She probably thinks you’re lovely too. I would chat again next time at playgroup then just ask.

Snog · 15/09/2022 08:36

Yes, this is how people make friends!
It may or may not work out on this particular occasion but if you live your life like this you will make some nice friends I'm sure.

If someone has a nice vibe I often ask if they'd like to go for a coffee (I don't have young children anymore). People usually say yes.

Delatron · 15/09/2022 08:38

And I also think it’s more forthright people like you make friends more easily. I’m very grateful for the few Mums I met at playgroups who took the initiative and invited me over for coffee - I can be a bit shy so if they hadn’t….they all became great friends. People can largely tell within a few minutes of chatting whether they’d get on/like each other. Like speed dating!

MsTSwift · 15/09/2022 08:39

A friendly chap came over to me in a coffee shop and said his wife was also pregnant with a toddler too. I was sitting alone new in town so we awkwardly swapped numbers at his insistence! I texted her we went to a playgroup together- 16 years later she’s still a dear friend.

blinkingheckthisishard · 15/09/2022 08:45

One of my best friends is a mum I met at a playgroup. We hit it off straight away. Our friendship grew gradually, but as we liked each other we definitely made more of an effort to go to the playgroup each week so we could catch up.

After a few weeks we exchanged numbers and met up at a park with the kids. After that it was play dates round each other's houses.

Now we've got a solid friendship we ditch the kids and go out for dinner instead. Much more civilised!

OooohAhhhh · 15/09/2022 08:50

Not at all. I moved into a new area with 0 friends, I got talking to a lovely lady at the park, chatting for half hour or so. I asked for her number as we was leaving, we exchanged numbers & now see each other regularly.

Pinkishpurple · 15/09/2022 10:08

I did this loads when my children were little. I found other mum's really receptive and i made some fab friends. Lots of mums are lonely and just waiting for someone to say something x

HelloDaisy · 15/09/2022 10:45

One of my dearest friends did the same when our dc were at playgroup together. 19 years later we are still great friends and I’d be lost without her…

girlfriend44 · 15/09/2022 11:34

You wouldn't do this with a random man you'd just met so what's the difference.
If your children spend all their time fighting over toys you won't get much chat and coffee in anyway

Definitely pace it, don't rush it.
If its meant to be it will wait.

SunshineLoving · 15/09/2022 11:38

I don't think it's weird at all to ask now. I've had plenty of people over the years (not saying I'm some kind of incredible social butterfly, I'm definitely not) invite me out/to their house after a conversation or two. And I don't mean romantically.

That's how you make friends. It'll be much easier to get to know each other away from the group and your DC can play at your house while you chat.

SarahAndQuack · 15/09/2022 12:26

girlfriend44 · 15/09/2022 11:34

You wouldn't do this with a random man you'd just met so what's the difference.
If your children spend all their time fighting over toys you won't get much chat and coffee in anyway

Definitely pace it, don't rush it.
If its meant to be it will wait.

That's an odd way to look at it IMO. We live in a presumptively heterosexual society; you wouldn't ask a man you'd just met back to your house because it could be construed as a come-on.