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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For struggling with DD's pregnancy (TW miscarriage)

39 replies

stressednupset · 14/09/2022 12:51

Name changed for this as sensitive.

DD17 found out she was pregnant around the time she left school summer just gone. Not ideal as she was 16, but we said we'd help her to make it work. She's now 22 weeks and just turned 17, baby due after Xmas.
I found out I was pregnant with baby number 6 (surprise baby as thought I had started menopause last year) in July. We were excited to be pregnant together. Sadly I lost the baby last week.
Now finding it hard to support my DD and see her pregnancy continue. I want to TTC again but don't think I can take the heartbreak and stats aren't good for pregnancies in your 40s!
Don't get me wrong I'm excited to be a gran for the first time but feels so bittersweet.doesn't help that I'm stressing over where we will all sleep as I have 4 kids in a 3 bed house (eldest lives with his gf, he has said DD is welcome to go there but she doesn't want to leave)
Aibu, please hand me a grip.

OP posts:
Original poster
stressednupset · 14/09/2022 13:12

Hopeful bump 😢

OP posts:
Pigsinmuck · 14/09/2022 13:15

It’s difficult as you are grieving but can you really manage another baby in the house you are in? It’s your life, but I wouldn’t be TTC in your situation.

Hopefully as time passes and you come to terms with your loss you will be able to support her more. She must be terrified and she really needs her mum.

Original poster
stressednupset · 14/09/2022 13:23

Pigsinmuck · 14/09/2022 13:15

It’s difficult as you are grieving but can you really manage another baby in the house you are in? It’s your life, but I wouldn’t be TTC in your situation.

Hopefully as time passes and you come to terms with your loss you will be able to support her more. She must be terrified and she really needs her mum.

I know you are right when you say this. It's a case of my head ruling my heart.
I am trying to support DD every way I can, I've even said I'll drop a day at work to look after baby so she can continue college

OP posts:
LiftyLift · 14/09/2022 13:42

Sorry for your loss.

Can’t you try to embrace your grandchild rather than trying to have another baby of your own? It doesn’t sound practical at all. It might also be a bit weird to have a child younger than your grandchild.

Ship · 14/09/2022 13:45

I’m really sorry for your situation, it must be very hard. I do think it would be hard if you tried again and had a baby in a house you’re saying definitely doesn’t have enough space. It would be really helpful for your daughter to have all of your focus and support when she has her baby. If I were you I wouldn’t ttc and would focus on my daughter and grandchild that really need me

Marvellousmadness · 14/09/2022 13:52

Put it in perspective. You had 5 kids already! You have been blessed.

You should be over the moon and have something in 5fold that other people might not even get to experience in 1fold

Your kid is having A BABY
You are going to have to help her as she herself is still a KID

And you dont even have room for the grandbaby in your house?! How did you think a new baby of yourself would fit in the picture. It wouldn't.

Sorry but this sounds like a blessing in disguise. And i only say that as youve already had five children.

Original poster
stressednupset · 14/09/2022 13:58

Thank you for the reality check I know deep down ttc isn't the right thing to do. Need to work out how we're going to sort bedrooms out as DD won't be able to share with her sisters anymore when she's had the baby.
I just feel so heartbroken thinking our babies could have grown up together.

OP posts:
Staygoldponyboystaygold · 14/09/2022 13:59

I understand, I have been through something similar. It’s tough, but it gets easier. Try to focus on becoming a Grandmother, I’m very jealous, I would love to be a young Grandmother.

Wouldloveanother · 14/09/2022 14:00

Im sorry for your loss OP. Try not to compare what might’ve happened in your pregnancy to your daughter’s. I also agree that with 5 children already, and very limited space, you’re really not in a position to ttc. Just look forward to being a granny and all the wonderful knowledge you have from your kids that you can use to help her.

Mummydoingmybest · 14/09/2022 14:02

stressednupset · 14/09/2022 12:51

Name changed for this as sensitive.

DD17 found out she was pregnant around the time she left school summer just gone. Not ideal as she was 16, but we said we'd help her to make it work. She's now 22 weeks and just turned 17, baby due after Xmas.
I found out I was pregnant with baby number 6 (surprise baby as thought I had started menopause last year) in July. We were excited to be pregnant together. Sadly I lost the baby last week.
Now finding it hard to support my DD and see her pregnancy continue. I want to TTC again but don't think I can take the heartbreak and stats aren't good for pregnancies in your 40s!
Don't get me wrong I'm excited to be a gran for the first time but feels so bittersweet.doesn't help that I'm stressing over where we will all sleep as I have 4 kids in a 3 bed house (eldest lives with his gf, he has said DD is welcome to go there but she doesn't want to leave)
Aibu, please hand me a grip.

Sorry for your loss.
But given there’s no room for you all as it is, why would you TTC again? Sounds like you have your hands full.

Whataretheodds · 14/09/2022 17:04

It has only been a week. Your hormones and emotions must be all over the place. Give yourself time to come to terms with the situation.

I agree with PP that you need to focus on your healing and looking after the 5 children you all have. They need you.

You warmed to the idea of this baby because it was happening and you had to get on board with making it work. Now the situation has changed and you have the opportunity to reconsider.

You don't have to make any binding decisions right now. Give yourself time to grieve.

Original poster
stressednupset · 14/09/2022 18:22

I know it's my heart ruling my head now and I am so lucky to have 5 beautiful children. I never dreamed I'd get so lucky as I have PCOS and was told if I ever wanted to conceive I'd need help. Luckily fell pregnant quickly nearly all the times.
It's just so hard walking round the pram shop with DD helping her choose a pram and car seat etc when I know I should be doing it for my baby too. Of course I don't let her see this.

Would a 6th baby really be such a bad idea ? We could try and swap houses (council) I suppose or see if we are entitled to a bigger house... but first I need to work out where DD and DGC will go!

OP posts:
forgotoldusername · 14/09/2022 19:43

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Peashoots · 14/09/2022 19:48

@forgotoldusername fuck off will you.

cobblerwobbler · 14/09/2022 19:51

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WhiteCatmas · 14/09/2022 19:51

I suspect a 6th baby would be a bad idea in your current circumstances. You’ll be able to better support the family you currently have. A cost of living crisis is coming, winter will be hard.

cobblerwobbler · 14/09/2022 19:52

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MissingNashville · 14/09/2022 19:55

I think this is a wind up.

MrsMidgeMaisel · 14/09/2022 19:56

MissingNashville · 14/09/2022 19:55

I think this is a wind up.

Agreed

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 14/09/2022 20:05

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Seriously?!

My parents instilled a love of learning in me and my sister, pushed us to achieve our best and get good jobs and they owned their own home. I still found out I was pregnant at 19.

Soubriquet · 14/09/2022 20:11

If it helps at all, my mum had a baby 6 months before my dd was born.

She also already had a grandchild 2 years earlier.

All the help my sister got, I got nothing because she was too busy with her own baby.

We don’t speak now for various reasons but my dd and her uncle didn’t grow up together at all.

Im sorry for your loss but it’s right to not ttc and support your dd and new grandchild instead

Soubriquet · 14/09/2022 20:12

MissingNashville · 14/09/2022 19:55

I think this is a wind up.

I didn’t till I saw the council house stuff Hmm

FlakeySalt · 14/09/2022 20:14

I really don’t mean to be insensitive and I am very sorry for your loss but had to reply when I read this-

I just feel so heartbroken thinking our babies could have grown up together.

I grew up with my niece. My sister had her at 17. My mother was 42 and had a surprise 5th baby (me!). My niece is a month older than me. She and my sister lives in my parents’ house.

It was awful. We’re not close at all. I always found our situation quite embarrassing and was teased in primary school for being an auntie.

It was a strange dynamic and one that caused a lot of issues. We’re both 44 now and not close. Perfectly civil, but that’s after years of hating being force to grow up together.

nakdlei · 14/09/2022 20:24

Sure 🙄

Original poster
stressednupset · 14/09/2022 20:54

It's not a wind up, apologies if it comes that way.
MNHQ can check my posting history I've been on here for years.

Just struggling with a conflict of my emotions. Trying to be there for DD.
I think me and DH will sleep in the living room so DD And baby can have our room.

Again sorry if I be upset anyone with this post.

OP posts: