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AIBU?

To find this quite sad?

28 replies

MovieQueen12 · 14/09/2022 12:22

That a woman can be single and live at home but will be judged. Yet if she meets a man she is seen as successful and high achieving because she is in a relationship and living with a man? Yet if she found herself single she would be back in her original position.
I say this because I know a lady who was 38 and in this exact position. She was judged a lot. Then she met someone and suddenly she was successful and accepted.
Aibu to think this is messed up ?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

76 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
41%
You are NOT being unreasonable
59%
nachoavocado · 14/09/2022 12:25

Do you mean living at home with parents?

10HailMarys · 14/09/2022 12:28

I think you're making massive generalisations there.

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 14/09/2022 12:29

On here, what you say happens a lot OP. I find it upsetting too. I have HFA and I was very, very concerned about having to live at home forever and not having a family when I was younger. Meeting my DH was very hard and I needed 'help' to understand flirting etc, I often think how depressed I would feel reading some threads on here judging those living at home back then Sad

MovieQueen12 · 14/09/2022 12:59

Yes, living at home with parents.
I just find it really sad. That a woman can be deemed as a spinster, loser, must be something wrong with her maybe autism because she lives at home and is single but as soon as she meets someone, she is successful and accepted. I have seen the judgements on here but also seen it offline many a time.

OP posts:
Ontheradar82167 · 14/09/2022 13:02

I disagree

Each person is an individual

If a person has a job, they have the option to move into a shared accommodation. Some of my friends have worked & been provided free accommodation with their jobs. Rent or buy

I know single people that live on benefits that live independently

I know people that lived with their elderly parents

Do what you want to !

Some people don't have the luxury of living with family & are forced to leave

MovieQueen12 · 14/09/2022 14:31

It's not always that straightforward though. If you work and have a certain amount of savings then you are not entitled to benefits. For many single working people on low wages, even renting is ridiculously expensive especially coupled with the energy rise.
I just find it sad how people who live at home are viewed but as soon as they meet someone they are no longer judged as they fit into societies idea of acceptable and normal way to be.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 14/09/2022 14:35

It sounds like you're surrounded by shitty people. I don't think this is a societal thing.

anotherbrewplease · 14/09/2022 14:38

Completely get what you’re saying. It’s true for either sex.

Underanothersky · 14/09/2022 14:38

Women are judged whatever they do

latetothefisting · 14/09/2022 14:45

I can sort of see your point but it's a bit of a straw man argument because it can be applied to pretty much any other circumstances.

E.g. if you don't have a job you're seen as a freeloading loser even if there may be very good reasons why you can't work, but by getting a job you're suddenly transformed into a productive member of society.

If you're a single mother you're judged even if the relationship broke down through no fault of your own. But stay with your partner and you don't get the same judgement, even if actually it would better for you and the kids to have split up.

If you don't have kids you're judged even though you either might not want them or be able to have them.

There are millions of other examples for anyone who deviates from the "norm" in any way. Which realistically is most of is in some way! I don't see why your single person living at home is more judged than any other else.

Also it isn't just a binary of living with parents and being single/living with partner. Lots of people are single but live alone. Some people are in relationships but haven't moved in together yet.

ignoring the relationship aspect, firstly for most people living separately from their parents, whether alone, with friends, or with a partner is more independent than still living with parents. So it's not an unfair judgement. Doesn't mean someone still living with their parents is necessarily immature but it is often a less independent option. Also its very rare for someone to still be living with their parents by their 30s, even now (think it's about 3% of women) so people will judge unusual situations, whatever they are.

MovieQueen12 · 14/09/2022 18:21

I'm in the south east area and if you're a single woman on low pay with health issues then you have no chance of buying. Lots of thirty somethings are still living at home.
I know people get judged whatever they do in life, especially women but I do think that it's sad that a lot of perceptions on someone changes once they get a partner.
My friend is a TA, was living at home at 38 with some health issues but definitely pulled her weight around the home. Bought all the food, great cook so cooked most nights etc but was constantly judged. She met a guy a few months back, just moved into his place and is now viewed a lot more favourably. I find that sad.

OP posts:
Choconut · 14/09/2022 18:28

It's worse for men though IMO, women view 30 year old men living with their parents with great suspicion, as if there must be something seriously wrong with them.

MovieQueen12 · 14/09/2022 19:00

Can only comment from my friends perspective. She was looked down upon and judged and now seen very differently. Just because she is in a relationship and they live together. I don't see that as success or a reason why people should start viewing her differently but that's been her experience

OP posts:
NovaDeltas · 14/09/2022 19:00

Living at home with the parents is the bit that's judged. At 38 that's Loser territory. She should have a place of her own. Preferably mortgaged.

Having a boyfriend or not isn't interesting at all. Being independent and not needing a man to gain housing is.

NovaDeltas · 14/09/2022 19:01

The health issues obviously change things a bit but she could still have been in a flatshare or something. She can live with the boyfriend so it's not like she needs her parents.

MovieQueen12 · 14/09/2022 19:04

Proving my point there @NovaDeltas .
Believe it or not single people on low wages with health issues can't easily go and get themselves a mortgage in the London and South East area. By your way of thinking, most of my friends without their husbands wouldn't have been able to get a mortgage alone either due to not earning enough. What losers we all are hey...

OP posts:
SallyWD · 14/09/2022 19:05

To be honest a man in his late 30s living with parents will often be seen as a sad loser too. It's not just women. I know a man who lived at home until 40 and then he got married. All of a sudden he was socially acceptable. I agree its sad - I see nothing wrong with living at home if all parties are happy with the arrangement.

user1471457751 · 14/09/2022 19:06

But @NovaDeltas didn't mention anything about buying a property. She talked about renting in a houseshare. And lots of people do that on low wages.

MsPincher · 14/09/2022 19:06

Women are generally judged much more favourably if they are in a relationship with a man. Live at home with your parents and don’t work - you’re a big loser. Same with a man and you’ve made it. I dunno why - there’s no difference. I think we still value women on their relationships rather than what they do.

MovieQueen12 · 14/09/2022 19:09

Agreed @MsPincher
I know women who don't work who live off their husbands and it's seen as acceptable.
Yet a woman living at home and working is seen as not.
It's like you say, we value women based on their relationships.

OP posts:
JamSandle · 14/09/2022 19:11

I really hate all the social judgements.

Not everyone aspired to the same things or wants the same life.

Things don't work out for everyone in the same way.

And many people are perfectly happy!

A good relationship or marriage is an amazing thing but it's not an accomplishment in my opinion.

Johnnysgirl · 14/09/2022 19:16

MovieQueen12 · 14/09/2022 12:59

Yes, living at home with parents.
I just find it really sad. That a woman can be deemed as a spinster, loser, must be something wrong with her maybe autism because she lives at home and is single but as soon as she meets someone, she is successful and accepted. I have seen the judgements on here but also seen it offline many a time.

What do you imagine people are judging; a woman living with her parents or a woman being single?
They're two completely different things. And nobody's business, really, either of them.

fairycakes1234 · 14/09/2022 19:24

NovaDeltas · 14/09/2022 19:00

Living at home with the parents is the bit that's judged. At 38 that's Loser territory. She should have a place of her own. Preferably mortgaged.

Having a boyfriend or not isn't interesting at all. Being independent and not needing a man to gain housing is.

@NovaDeltas So judgmental, and just proved the OP right

Howdoidothisanymore · 14/09/2022 19:35

They might be generalisations but that's because the OP is generally correct. People judge single women all the time.
Twice divorced (1 cheater 1 Dv) and then single is judged even more.
It sucks!

mamabear715 · 14/09/2022 19:41

I'm sure I've never judged a woman for being alone, & I've not felt judged these last 15 years since I've been widowed?
I'll tell you how I DO feel judged though - that businesses / healthcare / EVERYONE expects us all to have cars these days. Some of us - don't!

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