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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To live with my parents at 34?

42 replies

unicorndream · 14/09/2022 11:35

I left my husband due to reasons I wont go into last year when my youngest was a month old.
I moved in with my parents with my older child(5) and my baby.
I was humiliated living with my parents at this age and with children. Especially as he refused to let us have the house while we decide what's happening with it.
Now husband wants to try and make things work. The house since I left is now a STATE.
Yes it's cramped but actually.. I like living with my parents. The kids are happy, I obviously get help with housework and mum actually does all the cooking which I'm so so grateful for meaning I can focus on the kids more and not be stressing about the house. They don't ask for money as I hardly had any but I will insist on helping over winter.
I'm just not sure how I would afford my own place with things as they are at the moment.

I was devastated to leave my home but now I feel like I'm not sure I could go back.

OP posts:

Cosycover · 14/09/2022 11:47

It's just the pressure of made up rules we placed upon ourselves. If you are all happy with the arrangement then I don't see an issue at all. Do what works for you and who cares what anyone else thinks.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 14/09/2022 11:52

If you parents are also happy with the arrangement then ignore everyone else.

Rosesandstars · 14/09/2022 11:52

YANBU. Why should you move out just through embarrassment? You're a parent, it's not as though you never left home. I'm a similar age and had to move back through illness in my late 20s. I do feel embarrassed but I really think your situation is different and that most people won't even look down on you for just living in the same house as your parents.

Xmasbaby11 · 14/09/2022 11:55

Stay with your parents. It works for them and you.

Beamur · 14/09/2022 11:56

Stay where you are if everyone is happy (apart from DH) it's not unusual in many cultures to live in multi generational homes. If you all get on, it's loads cheaper to run one house than 2, kids get the benefit of more care and attention as there are more people to share the load.

PinkRiceKrispies · 14/09/2022 12:01

Oh ignore everyone else. It sounds best for you and your family and that's all that matters. Even if you were single with no kids and 34 it's nothing to be ashamed by. It's not easy making it alone now. If you have a loving and supportive family who you are all happy to live with then it sounds lovely. Also great for your little one to have so much family around.

ParentallyUnprepared · 14/09/2022 12:04

I wouldn't be entertaining the idea of going back to a man that let his kids get uprooted rather than inconvenience himself.

MagnoliatheMagnificent · 14/09/2022 12:13

It works for you, all parties are happy, why move? There are lots of reasons people do this, you are far from alone.
My eldest dd is 30 and lives with us. She has had some health issues and also she can't afford to move out. When the time is right, she will.
Ignore what other people say, do what is right for you and your family.

deedledeedledum · 14/09/2022 12:14

Bah, such a first world western thing. It's not at all odd to live in extended family groups. It's healthy if everyone is happy.

Wibbli · 14/09/2022 12:17

@unicorndream if your husband was so mean as to not let his wife and children stay in the house and has reduced it to a cesspit, I say stay clear of him and do not go back. It sounds like he wants you back to clean up! Stay with your parents if all involved are happy, settled and agreeable to it.

KalaniM · 14/09/2022 12:18

Multi generational living is actually my ideal. Sounds as though you have found something that really works.
about your mum doing all the cooking though…. Would she like a break sometimes? Could you do lunch on Sunday or something so she feels recognised and reciprocated?

Hermione101 · 14/09/2022 12:21

If it works for your parents and your kids, then stay there. What a gift for your children to get to have their grandparents right there. Who cares what anyone else says!

girlmom21 · 14/09/2022 12:24

If you're all happy there's no issue.
Certainly don't go back to him.

Breakfastisjustporridge · 14/09/2022 12:27

I think in those circumstances its adults sharing space, as long as everyone's happy with the arrangement and there's give and take from all sides it's fine.
It's only a problem imo when the child parent dynamic has been kept going and one side is overly dependent, like a fully grown adult incapable of taking care of their own basic needs or a parent that can't accept their child is a grown adult now.

MrsTimRiggins · 14/09/2022 12:28

Absolutely do not go back to your ex, that’s the most important thing. He sounds like a slobby, selfish bastard and you’re better off without him.
if it genuinely works living at your parents and they are definitely happy with the arrangement too, then stay put. Why change what works?

felulageller · 14/09/2022 12:29

Stay.

There are no prizes in life for making it harder for yourself.

MiauzenKatzenjammer · 14/09/2022 12:42

If everyone is happy with the arrangement, why change it?

Assuming that the house is owned rather than rented, I'd be inclined to crack on with the divorce, with a view to selling the house and getting your share of the equity.

Treacletoots · 14/09/2022 12:46

What @ParentallyUnprepared said.

I wouldn't be entertaining the idea of going back to a man that let his kids get uprooted rather than inconvenience himself

Why on earth are you considering going back to someone who is quote clearly controlling, selfish and abusive? You've escaped once. That's the hard part. See it through. There's nothing wrong with living with your family in circumstances like this.

Sapphire387 · 14/09/2022 12:46

Make sure you get what you're owed from the sale of the house!

Other than that, if you and your parents are all OK with the current arrangements, I can't see why you would need to change things.

Your (former) husband sounds like a dickhead.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 14/09/2022 12:47

Why wouldn't you like living with people who love and respect you, the people who are a shared support system that helps all of you.

I'm envious.

My parents are gone now and the house is being sold, it feels weird knowing I'll never have that safe haven to enjoy again.

Adult relationships between parents and children are fantastic if equally respected.

StarDolphins · 14/09/2022 12:49

I don’t think there’s anything at all wrong with this set up. Everyone is happy, you sound happier & there’s lots in the same situation- I’d say it was sensible of you if anything & certainly nothing to be embarrassed about.

KatySp · 14/09/2022 12:59

Live where you are happy. Life is too short to live miserably just because society says you should.

NKFell · 14/09/2022 13:06

YANBU at all! You all seem happy and that's wonderful.

I love spending time with my parents, as do my DC and if needed I wouldn't hesitate at moving in with them. How welcome we'd be is another matter 😉

10HailMarys · 14/09/2022 13:22

If it works for you all, there is absolutely nothing wrong with living with your parents! I think it's more common than people think. If you like being there, and your parents are happy to have you and the grandchildren around, great.

It might not be so feasible as the children get older and need more of their own space, but by the time they're a little bit older you'll be more on your feet financially I hope, and for now it seems like it's a good arrangement.

I also think that if you were the one who ended your relationship, and when your baby was a month old, then you probably had an extremely good reason for leaving and 'trying again' might not be wise? But that's obviously just my interpretation, without knowing the details. I'd be wary of 'trying again' with a man who would rather watch his children be turfed out of their home than let his wife stay in the house while a divorce went through.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/09/2022 13:30

You'd have to be insane to go back to a man who kicked his own children out of their home. History will repeat itself very quickly.

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